Closed Doors by Lisa O'Donnell

the graveyard anyway.
    Getting to the berry patch means walking through the entire scheme and I feel stupid wearing the yellow T-shirt all of a sudden and hope no one sees me, but everyone sees me and I’m holding two baskets like a girl. Granny made me.
    Dirty Alice and Marianne see me, but they don’t say anything because Granny would give them a right telling-off. Also Marianne would be scared I’d tell everyone she showed me her fanny. Then I see Aidan Greer and he says nothing either because he knows I’ll kick his arse next time I see him if he does.
    Ma looks good swinging a basket, she looks happy. The scars are healed on her face although you can still see a little red ripple above the left side of her lip. I should be glad she can smile again but I know inside she is still sad. I don’t like the sad inside her. I’m scared of it. I remember how it screamed about the place and couldn’t sleep.
    I wonder about the other night when Tricia came over and talked like mad about Suzanne Miller. Tricia said it was all people were talking about. Granny didn’t even look up from her tea and now I know why.
    ‘The community centre is running self-defence classes so we can kick the shit out of anyone trying to attack us,’ said Tricia, smoking.
    ‘Wouldn’t help,’ Ma said to her.
    ‘It would fucking help me. I’d fight to the death,’ she told Ma. I know now this must have made Ma feel horrible, as if she didn’t fight him enough when he hurt her in the park.
    ‘If a big man came at you, Tricia, you would turn to water and the only thing you would be thinking is “Don’t kill me.” You wouldn’t be fighting anyone.’ Granny finished her cigarette and put the kettle on for more tea.
    ‘Well, all the women on this island are terrified and all the men are walking them everywhere for safety. It’s some big thing in town.’
    I wonder how bad my ma must have felt about her saying that and I start to hate Tricia all over again.
    So many things start to make sense to me now and it makes me mad. I thought I was the one keeping a big secret for them about a stupid flasher when all the time they were the ones keeping a big secret from me.
    ‘Rosemary is doing well,’ says Granny to Da one night but that was before I knew what they were talking about.
    ‘Be better if she could sleep without the pills,’ says Da.
    ‘What do you want from the girl?’ snips Granny. ‘After what she’s been through it’s a wonder she hasn’t downed the whole bottle.’
    ‘What a thing to say, Ma,’ says Da.
    ‘It’s the truth. She’s got strength and if I didn’t know better I’d say you were scared of it,’ says Granny.
    Granny says all kinds of things to Da and I wonder how he can stand it, she can be fairly rude, but Da can be rude back. I can’t be anything to Granny or I’d get skelped. I wonder if it was like this when Da was wee. I wonder what kind of things he dared to say to Granny then. I bet he didn’t say a word, but now he says a ton of them.
    We pick berries until my arms are sick of being scratched.
    ‘Are we done yet?’ I ask.
    ‘Nearly done,’ says Ma.
    ‘We should go soon,’ says Da. ‘I don’t like the look of those clouds.’
    Ma picks loads of berries but she also keeps eating them and it drives Granny mad.
    ‘You’ll get a gut ache if you’re not careful, Rosemary,’ Granny says. Ma rolls her eyes to heaven.
    Da hardly picks any. He just sits on a patch of lazy grass with Frankie and reads his paper. One time he goes to the graveyard to get the water and Granny is furious and then the rain comes.
    ‘Here it comes,’ says Da. ‘Let’s get going.’
    It starts to thunder in the distance and then clouds start to spit at us.
    That’s when Granny sees the car. A hearse. Long and black and with other cars trailing behind it.
    ‘Oh Jesus. A funeral. That’s all we need and here we are picking berries and stealing dead people’s water. It’s a cursed day.’
    ‘Only for the poor