against you?”
“You, of all people, are the only person I want to touch me! It’s not personal. You know that. We’ve talked about it. Sex with me isn’t good. It’s impersonal. It’s quick, with no affectionate cuddling before or after. It’s… just body parts slamming together, Christina. Touching in the least way they can. You figure it out.”
“But…”
“Drop it.”
“No. I can’t believe how I could not know.”
“Because I don’t tell you.”
“When do you do it?”
“When I sneak off to fight usually. Chicks chase champions. End of story.”
“It’s so cold, so callous sounding. That’s what you really want?”
No, I want you. But I can’t say that to her. I want her big eyes looking at me, all dewy and soft and in love. But I can’t because I just don’t think I can give anything back to her. I can’t be even a fraction of what she needs and wants and expects. She knows she’s worth love and respect and care, but mostly, affection. I can’t give her the one thing that would make her the happiest. She can’t handle it if I have sex with her and refuse to show her any affection. That’s what I did with the other girls. It was simply sex and nothing more. Not even a kiss on the cheek! It was merely the act of removing only the clothes that absolutely needed removal, and hoping the girl wanted what she claimed she did. Yeah, not exactly what I would ever choose for Christina.
I’m a jerk, an ass, and a total bastard. I know that. I always have been as far back as I can remember. Remember my brother, Derek, the used-to-be drug dealer? He was never like me. He is the nice one. The decent one. The one who genuinely cares for other people. I never possessed an ounce of guilt, or a conscience. The only reason I have what little bit I do now is truly because of Christina. If she hadn’t taken me in as her friend in the first few days I was here, I’d have never stayed. I would have never given Lindsey and Noah a chance. I’m a better guy now than I would have been had I not stayed, but not by much. And I’m not nearly the person Christina believes me to be, and therefore, the rest of our extended family believes. See the gross factor? Our family. What’s really weird is: I see her little sisters as pesky, younger cousins. I actually get there with them, and do think of them as my related family. I tease and annoy them; but I would hurt anyone who tried to hurt them. But Christina? I never got there with her. I can’t consider her my cousin .
But I think she does, and has from the start.
Right now, she’s looking at me as if I just announced how much I enjoy killing the neighborhood cats. I shake my head and try to smile. “I don’t like any of them. I like you.”
She lets out a breath. “I was so mad at you. Why did you call my dad?”
Because I can’t stand for you to be used by a guy like me. That’s a really shitty, two-faced way to treat her, isn’t it? I know it too. I know it’s wrong, but something inside me can’t allow her to be as bad as I am.
“Will made me promise to look out for you. I was simply doing that.”
“I’m allowed to have boyfriends! I’m eighteen. I can do what I want with them. Isn’t it a totally stupid double standard you can do it, but I can’t?”
“Yeah. Completely. But I, most likely, won’t get hurt. You will. Come on, Tiny, you wear your heart on your sleeve. You can’t handle what you were setting yourself up for. You can’t even handle me not wanting to hug you. You can’t fuck some random guy and not feel like total shit about it.”
She’s staring at me with her mouth open. I look right at her. My eyes are cold and my face is blank. Master. I am the master of it.
“Am I supposed to thank you?”
“Yeah. Maybe. It kept you from getting hurt.”
“Screw you, Max,” she snarls at me. She jumps to her feet and I glance up, shocked. She never yells at me. But the way her sweet voice tries to sound so badass,
“You, of all people, are the only person I want to touch me! It’s not personal. You know that. We’ve talked about it. Sex with me isn’t good. It’s impersonal. It’s quick, with no affectionate cuddling before or after. It’s… just body parts slamming together, Christina. Touching in the least way they can. You figure it out.”
“But…”
“Drop it.”
“No. I can’t believe how I could not know.”
“Because I don’t tell you.”
“When do you do it?”
“When I sneak off to fight usually. Chicks chase champions. End of story.”
“It’s so cold, so callous sounding. That’s what you really want?”
No, I want you. But I can’t say that to her. I want her big eyes looking at me, all dewy and soft and in love. But I can’t because I just don’t think I can give anything back to her. I can’t be even a fraction of what she needs and wants and expects. She knows she’s worth love and respect and care, but mostly, affection. I can’t give her the one thing that would make her the happiest. She can’t handle it if I have sex with her and refuse to show her any affection. That’s what I did with the other girls. It was simply sex and nothing more. Not even a kiss on the cheek! It was merely the act of removing only the clothes that absolutely needed removal, and hoping the girl wanted what she claimed she did. Yeah, not exactly what I would ever choose for Christina.
I’m a jerk, an ass, and a total bastard. I know that. I always have been as far back as I can remember. Remember my brother, Derek, the used-to-be drug dealer? He was never like me. He is the nice one. The decent one. The one who genuinely cares for other people. I never possessed an ounce of guilt, or a conscience. The only reason I have what little bit I do now is truly because of Christina. If she hadn’t taken me in as her friend in the first few days I was here, I’d have never stayed. I would have never given Lindsey and Noah a chance. I’m a better guy now than I would have been had I not stayed, but not by much. And I’m not nearly the person Christina believes me to be, and therefore, the rest of our extended family believes. See the gross factor? Our family. What’s really weird is: I see her little sisters as pesky, younger cousins. I actually get there with them, and do think of them as my related family. I tease and annoy them; but I would hurt anyone who tried to hurt them. But Christina? I never got there with her. I can’t consider her my cousin .
But I think she does, and has from the start.
Right now, she’s looking at me as if I just announced how much I enjoy killing the neighborhood cats. I shake my head and try to smile. “I don’t like any of them. I like you.”
She lets out a breath. “I was so mad at you. Why did you call my dad?”
Because I can’t stand for you to be used by a guy like me. That’s a really shitty, two-faced way to treat her, isn’t it? I know it too. I know it’s wrong, but something inside me can’t allow her to be as bad as I am.
“Will made me promise to look out for you. I was simply doing that.”
“I’m allowed to have boyfriends! I’m eighteen. I can do what I want with them. Isn’t it a totally stupid double standard you can do it, but I can’t?”
“Yeah. Completely. But I, most likely, won’t get hurt. You will. Come on, Tiny, you wear your heart on your sleeve. You can’t handle what you were setting yourself up for. You can’t even handle me not wanting to hug you. You can’t fuck some random guy and not feel like total shit about it.”
She’s staring at me with her mouth open. I look right at her. My eyes are cold and my face is blank. Master. I am the master of it.
“Am I supposed to thank you?”
“Yeah. Maybe. It kept you from getting hurt.”
“Screw you, Max,” she snarls at me. She jumps to her feet and I glance up, shocked. She never yells at me. But the way her sweet voice tries to sound so badass,
Similar Books
