Chocolate Reality by Steena Holmes

of us, or any other lady is our church for that fact, would have offered to throw this party had we found out. Actually, I think Nancy would have loved to have thrown a huge shower for her son and his fiancé.” Pastor Joy told me.
    “In all honesty, it was spur of the moment decision. Jude stopped over unannounced and told me the news. I was a bit shocked and over reacted. Tracey came over for our girls’ night and because I had been embarrassed to how I reacted to his news, I just blurted out that I would throw the party.” I admitted to the group.
    “But, the more I think about it, the better it sounds to me. If I throw this party, then everyone will realize that I’m not pining over my ex fiancé and that I’m okay with him getting married. Everyone knows how much I love to throw parties, so no one should think twice about this, right?” I asked, sincerely hoping for their agreement.
    There was a moment of silence around the table. I started to doubt that I would receive their agreement.
    “Wynne, honey. Are you serious?” asked Joan.
    “I thought I was.” I answered a bit hesitantly. The way the ladies were staring at me began to cause a little bit of worry to seep into my mind.
    “Wynne, we were there, remember, when you broke down sobbing because he up and left you at the church alone. We’ve been there when you have been angry with God because you thought He wasn’t hearing your heart’s cry. We heard you when you told us of your secret hope that if Jude was ever to come back to town you might get back together with him.” A sad smile crossed Judy’s face. “You can’t fool us honey, no matter how hard you try.”
    “I know. But obviously its God’s will for me to be alone right now. Otherwise Jude would have come back sooner and without a fiancé in tow. I have to accept that. I have to accept that there is a strong probability I will be single for the rest of my days. I might not like the idea, doesn’t mean I have to hide from it though, right?” I asked her.
    Why is it everyone seems committed to making me face my deep issues with this whole Jude/engagement party blow up?
    “Just because Jude obviously isn’t the one for you, that doesn’t mean God wants you to be single for the rest of your life. Look at me, I didn’t get married until I was thirty-five.” Pastor Joy admitted. “God has just been preparing you, getting you ready so that when that perfect man does come along, there will be nothing holding you back.”
    I now she was trying to encourage me but for a pep talk - it sucked.
    “Don’t you think that by throwing this party, it shows that I have moved on with my life? I really don’t think this was such a bad idea. It’s just one friend throwing another friend an engagement party. What’s so wrong with that?” I asked them with a hint of desperation to my voice.
    Tracey hands me another chocolate turtle and pushes my coffee cup closer to my hands.
    “There’s nothing wrong with a mere friend throwing another friend a party. But when it’s an ex fiancé throwing the party then it looks like she is trying really hard to prove not only to herself, but also to the rest of the world that she has really moved on with her life.” Tracey responded. I give her points for trying to butter me up first with chocolate though.
    I took a deep sigh. I never could hide anything from these ladies, and I’m not about to start trying now. I might as well admit the truth, open myself up completely, and trust that they will still love me enough in the end to help me plan this party.
    “Okay. I admit that I have some issues, and I admit that offering to throw this party probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. I’ll admit that I probably still have some feelings left for Jude. But, and this is a big but, I don’t love him anymore nor am I jealous that he is getting married and I’m not.” I exclaimed to the group.
    They all stared at me with their eyebrows raised. I guess