that time, Sandy.”
I nudged my glasses up my nose, reminding myself that there was no use crying about the past. Gripping my fingers, I kept my eyes focused on the dark brown swirl in the carpet.
“I never hid anything from Jack. When he came home that Sunday, he saw the empty beer bottles and the pizza box, and I told him that Jason had stayed over on the couch. Elaina, Jason’s ex, had really broken his heart. He needed me, and I wanted to be there for him.”
“This is what you told Jack?” Dr. Adams clarified.
“Yes. Jason used the fire escape in our bedroom to come in. For no reason, really, other than just to be… himself. He’s fun, and spontaneous, and I’ve always loved that about him.”
She smiled.
“Anyway, it’d been raining, and Jason’s boots had left muddy footprints near the window. I’d been bent over the carpet, cleaning when Jack came home. The fact that he was in our bedroom infuriated him.”
I felt my pulse flutter, and I took a deep breath.
“I understood that. I told him that I was sorry, and there was no reason for him not to use the front door. He was just being his dorky self. I made a joke out of it, and that only made Jack angrier, I think,” I reasoned. “I wasn’t thinking of his feelings or respecting his space. So we started arguing. At first I was apologetic, and when he wasn’t responding to that, I became defensive. Because I really hadn’t done anything to deserve the way he was screaming at me,” I exhaled the words in one breath, my stomach fighting a surge of nausea.
“Let’s stop there for just a moment,” Dr. Adams suggested, her pen working twice as fast as it had been before. “Tell me a little more about Jason. Tell me why he makes you smile so big.”
Inevitably, I smiled again, my breaths coming a little easier. “Jason… is everything.”
The words came out before I could think about them.
She arched her manicured eyebrows, her golden-brown bob framing her petite face. “Everything?”
“He stopped Jack from… from continuing to hurt me, this last time. And he stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. He came over every night, to my parent’s house, and ate dinner with us that first week. And then…,”
I drifted into silence, and Dr. Adams widened her smile, encouraging. “And then?”
“I moved in with him.” I covered my face with my hands.
“Are you happy with your decision to move in with him?” She asked.
I nodded without looking at her.
“Jason sounds wonderful,” she concluded, reaffirming what I already knew while offering me reassurance that it was okay to feel what I was feeling.
“He is.”
She only smiled in return.
“And without getting into detail,” she went on, “Jack struck you, and then raped you after finding Jason’s footprints by the window, am I correct?”
“I had already told him Jason was over. Jack was furious that he’d come in through our bedroom window.”
I hated- loathed - the defensive tone that my voice took on.
She noted something in her folder.
“Yes, he hit me, across my left eye. And then he bent me over the back of the couch. The first time he’d done it, I’d been drinking, and it didn’t hurt as much. That time…” I stopped, thinking about the way he’d just kicked my legs open and shoved inside of me. I had still been reeling from the blow to my cheek, and so angry, scared and hurt. That moment, I lost every shred of trust I’d ever had in him.
I tried to take a deep breath, but the next one came too fast. I gripped my fingers, attempting to breathe evenly.
“Okay,” Dr. Adams leaned forward, and as I blinked through the tears I realized that she was offering me a tissue. “Honey, at any point, if you’d like for your mother to come in with you, that’s just fine,” she coaxed.
“I’m thirty-four years old,” I sniffed, dabbing at my eye s under my glasses. “My mom knows too much as it is.”
“Let’s stop here.” S he nodded,
I nudged my glasses up my nose, reminding myself that there was no use crying about the past. Gripping my fingers, I kept my eyes focused on the dark brown swirl in the carpet.
“I never hid anything from Jack. When he came home that Sunday, he saw the empty beer bottles and the pizza box, and I told him that Jason had stayed over on the couch. Elaina, Jason’s ex, had really broken his heart. He needed me, and I wanted to be there for him.”
“This is what you told Jack?” Dr. Adams clarified.
“Yes. Jason used the fire escape in our bedroom to come in. For no reason, really, other than just to be… himself. He’s fun, and spontaneous, and I’ve always loved that about him.”
She smiled.
“Anyway, it’d been raining, and Jason’s boots had left muddy footprints near the window. I’d been bent over the carpet, cleaning when Jack came home. The fact that he was in our bedroom infuriated him.”
I felt my pulse flutter, and I took a deep breath.
“I understood that. I told him that I was sorry, and there was no reason for him not to use the front door. He was just being his dorky self. I made a joke out of it, and that only made Jack angrier, I think,” I reasoned. “I wasn’t thinking of his feelings or respecting his space. So we started arguing. At first I was apologetic, and when he wasn’t responding to that, I became defensive. Because I really hadn’t done anything to deserve the way he was screaming at me,” I exhaled the words in one breath, my stomach fighting a surge of nausea.
“Let’s stop there for just a moment,” Dr. Adams suggested, her pen working twice as fast as it had been before. “Tell me a little more about Jason. Tell me why he makes you smile so big.”
Inevitably, I smiled again, my breaths coming a little easier. “Jason… is everything.”
The words came out before I could think about them.
She arched her manicured eyebrows, her golden-brown bob framing her petite face. “Everything?”
“He stopped Jack from… from continuing to hurt me, this last time. And he stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. He came over every night, to my parent’s house, and ate dinner with us that first week. And then…,”
I drifted into silence, and Dr. Adams widened her smile, encouraging. “And then?”
“I moved in with him.” I covered my face with my hands.
“Are you happy with your decision to move in with him?” She asked.
I nodded without looking at her.
“Jason sounds wonderful,” she concluded, reaffirming what I already knew while offering me reassurance that it was okay to feel what I was feeling.
“He is.”
She only smiled in return.
“And without getting into detail,” she went on, “Jack struck you, and then raped you after finding Jason’s footprints by the window, am I correct?”
“I had already told him Jason was over. Jack was furious that he’d come in through our bedroom window.”
I hated- loathed - the defensive tone that my voice took on.
She noted something in her folder.
“Yes, he hit me, across my left eye. And then he bent me over the back of the couch. The first time he’d done it, I’d been drinking, and it didn’t hurt as much. That time…” I stopped, thinking about the way he’d just kicked my legs open and shoved inside of me. I had still been reeling from the blow to my cheek, and so angry, scared and hurt. That moment, I lost every shred of trust I’d ever had in him.
I tried to take a deep breath, but the next one came too fast. I gripped my fingers, attempting to breathe evenly.
“Okay,” Dr. Adams leaned forward, and as I blinked through the tears I realized that she was offering me a tissue. “Honey, at any point, if you’d like for your mother to come in with you, that’s just fine,” she coaxed.
“I’m thirty-four years old,” I sniffed, dabbing at my eye s under my glasses. “My mom knows too much as it is.”
“Let’s stop here.” S he nodded,
Similar Books
