Chasing Clovers by Kat Flannery Page A

face appeared in her mind.
    " Traitor," she said to her midsection.
    How was she supposed to keep her distance from him when her body longed for his touch? She knew that sooner or later they would have to consummate their marriage, and the thought frightened her to death .
    How am I going to explain why I 'm not a virgin? What would his reaction be? She didn't want to know.
    She 'd keep her distance from him. Since her body couldn't be trusted, it was up to her mind. She snorted, and quickly covered her mouth so she didn't wake the children. She was being ridiculous. John didn't want her. He still loved his wife, and he made it quite clear that no one could, or would, take her place. She let out a long sigh. She didn't deserve a man like John, and she sure didn't deserve his children. Her eyes strayed to the girl. Especially her.
    Livy 's vision blurred. She blinked to stop the tears from falling. She didn't deserve anyone's love, not after letting her own sweet Emma die. Her heart ached accompanying the dull pain that never seemed to go away. When she'd fallen off the horse, a part of her wished she'd take her last breath and die. And if she believed in God anymore, she would have asked Him to make it so. But He never answered her prayers before, why would He start now?
    She laid her head back against the headboard. Her soul longed for comfort. Someone to tell her things will get better. Strong arms to hold her while she sobbed and grieved for Emma. John . He couldn't begin to understand how she felt. She didn't know why her mind kept straying to him.
    Must be from the kiss this morning .
    " Humph." How could a single kiss change the way she felt about him? Could she have feelings for him?
    She sat up. Where did that come from? She wasn't even thinking about love. She wasn't able to give it and denied her soul the permission to receive it. God had taken that away from her when He'd taken Emma. She was incapable of giving love to anyone ever again. It was never going to happen. The consequences of such an act could only end with her getting hurt, and she'd had enough of that to last a life time.
    Her heart sank. The one time in the last year she'd felt safe was when she'd woken in John's arms. Instead of relishing in it, she'd cast him out. Afraid.
    Emily started to cry as she woke from her nap. She couldn't console her, instead she pretended to sleep.
    You are pathetic. She 's a child—a baby.
    She wanted to help her, comfort her, and almost had, when Ben woke and went to sit with his sister until she settled down. Eyes still closed, she heard Ben take hi s sister out of the room.
    Livy 's hands sought out the blanket on either side of her, and she grasped the quilt in tight fists. She was a horrible person, and right now she didn't even like herself. How did she get to be so cruel, so spiteful? She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, disgusted. The child had done nothing to her, and yet she couldn't even wipe a few tears.
    Who are you kidding? You can 't even look at her. Why? What had that sweet child done to deserve such a thing? Her stomach turned.
    Whenever the girl was near her, she turned into an insensitive person. She didn't care whether she'd hurt the child or not. She blamed her for being alive. For being able to skip, run, and laugh. For being flesh and blood. Emma didn't have those things―never would―and she was angry. So angry. She squeezed the blanket harder. Emma didn't deserve to die. She should be alive! She should be alive!
    The panic came, like she knew it would, and she welcomed it. Her chest tightened the pain crawled up, slow and heavy. She let the tears fall. Hands still fisted, she allowed the pain to consume her, knowing what would come next. Her lungs burned as her breathing came in short, rapid breaths. Gasping for air, she still refused to stop the panic attack. She let out a loud, sorrowful groan and ground her teeth together.
    " Come, damn you. Take me." She willed her body to give