Chart Throb by Ben Elton

make his point.
    ‘I feel I need to show the public more of the real me,’ he said.
    ‘The real you?’ Calvin enquired.
    ‘Yes. I think the public’s ready for it.’
    ‘Ready for it?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘The real you?’
    ‘That’s right. I get a lot of comments. You know, feedback.’
    ‘Asking to see the real you?’
    ‘Well, more of it. You know, people say that they want to see me really, really . . . show them, to really show them . . .’
    ‘The real you.’
    ‘Yes.’
    Calvin squeezed his lemon wedge over his oysters. ‘Oh . . . Sorry, mate. Never could aim a lemon.’
    ‘That’s all right,’ said Rodney, wiping juice from his eye.
    Calvin chewed an oyster and quaffed deeply at his wine, letting Rodney stew for a while.
    ‘So, Rodney,’ he said finally. ‘Exactly which bit of the real you do you think the public’s missing out on?’
    ‘The tough bit. The two-fisted, straight-talking hard man with the rapier-sharp putdowns bit.’
    ‘Wow. Big bit.’
    ‘I feel I’ve become bland.’
    ‘You’ve become bland?’
    Whatever Calvin might have meant by his heavy intonation, Rodney chose to ignore it.
    ‘Yes, always being so nice. I think it’s getting boring,’ he said, developing his argument.
    ‘Isn’t it nice to be nice?’
    ‘Well, you certainly don’t seem to think so, Calvin, with your worldwide Mr Nasty franchise.’
    ‘You know, good cop, bad cop and all that, with Beryl in the middle. It’s the classic judging line-up. Worked for Pop Idol , worked for American Idol , worked for X Factor and it works for us.’
    ‘I’ve been looking at old tapes. They used to ring the changes a bit. Louis Walsh used to get to be mean occasionally on X Factor. They did a whole episode based around it.’
    ‘That was before the formula got absolutely nailed. We nailed it. We don’t deviate. That’s why we’re number one now.’
    ‘Well, anyway. I don’t think it’s you and me with Beryl in the middle. I think it’s you and Beryl with me on the periphery.’
    ‘I see.’ Calvin chewed thoughtfully for a moment. ‘And you think the answer is for you to be mean?’
    ‘Well, sometimes yes. I mean last series I was pretty much always nice. I just want to vary it a bit, you know, surprise people. Shake things up.’
    ‘You think you could pull it off?’
    ‘Of course I can, I’m creative, a songwriter, I did lyrics. I’m good with words.’
    ‘I remember – Sex baby. Sex baby. Saturday night. Yeah. Ooh baby. Ah baby. Saturday night.’
    ‘Exactly. Number four in Belgium. I’m good , Calvin, really and I want to do more of the putdowns. I’ve been writing some. I’m quite pleased with them . . . “If you were any flatter, darling, we could use you as a coffee table.”’
    There was a pause. Calvin looked at Rodney, his face a blank.
    ‘I’m sorry?’ he said finally.
    ‘What?’
    ‘I don’t understand what you’re saying, what do you mean use me as a coffee table?’
    ‘Not you.’
    ‘You just said you could use me as a coffee table.’
    ‘Not you.’
    ‘Who?’
    ‘One of the contestants.’
    ‘Which contestant?’
    ‘Any contestant, a hypothetical one. That was one of my putdowns.’
    ‘What was?’
    ‘“If you were any flatter we could use you as a coffee table.” Flatter. Singing flat. It’s a joke.’
    Calvin paused for a moment, clearly working the idea through in his head.
    ‘Oh, I see ,’ he said finally. ‘Well, good luck, mate.’
    ‘Umm, thanks.’
    The two men ate in silence, with Rodney trying to work out whether he had made any progress. Calvin decided to change the subject. He had not intended to bring up his plans for Rodney’s ex-girlfriend over dinner but as he could think of nothing else to say he did it anyway.
    ‘I’m bringing Iona back, by the way.’
    Rodney choked on his wine.
    ‘Please don’t tell me you’re surprised.’
    To Calvin it was the most obvious move in the world. So much drama, so much tension. The encounter