Castle Perilous by John Dechancie

short, semihysterical giggle. “Just call me Samantha.”
    â€œYeah, and I’m Darin. And this is all a TV sitcom.”
    She laughed, tilting her head to his shoulder. “Now, if I could only wiggle my nose.”
    â€œTry it.”
    She did it, and they laughed.
    Snowclaw had already wolfed down most of the kwalkarkk. “Anybody want these little ribs here — what’re these from, a bird, or what?”
    â€œGo ahead,” Gene said, still laughing.
    Snowclaw picked up the plate, flipped the spare ribs into the air and caught them in his mouth. He crunched and chewed clinically. “Not bad,” he pronounced. “Kinda tasteless, though. Hey, are you guys gonna eat any of this?”
    â€œOh, help yourself, Snowclaw,” Linda said, recovering from the giggling bout. “If I get hungry, I’ll just go poof and conjure up a cheeseburger or something.”
    â€œIs that what this is?” Snowclaw asked. He popped the Big Mac into his maw, gave it three perfunctory chews, gulped it down, then tilted his head back and upended the box of fries into his wide-open jaws.
    â€œLet’s go, Emily Post,” Gene told him, walking arm in arm with Linda out the door.
    â€œBe right with you, Darin!”
    Â 
    â€œAre we lost again?”
    Gene looked around. “Oh, hell, I guess — ”
    They heard pounding feet. Three castle guards rushed out of a crossing corridor and double-timed it away from them down the hall. One of the Guardsmen looked back, giving Gene’s uniform the eye. But he didn’t stop.
    â€œLooks like something’s up,” Gene said. “I wonder what.”
    Linda said, “Well, there’s a war going on outside.”
    â€œYeah, a siege. I wonder what happens if the besiegers win — happens to us, I mean?”
    â€œWe can hide.”
    â€œLet’s hope.”
    They walked on down the corridor. Along the wall here and there were empty niches and alcoves. Arches swept across the hallway at even intervals, supported by massive columns to either side. One door led through to a spiral staircase. They came to the intersecting corridor and stopped.
    â€œWhich way, gang?” Gene asked.
    â€œI think we’ve been here before,” Snowclaw said. “I smell you guys.”
    â€œYou’re no rose petal yourself, kid,” Gene retorted.
    â€œI didn’t say you stank,” Snowclaw said, sounding a little miffed, “now did I? It’s just that I’ve got a good nose, and you hairless types have a distinctive smell.”
    â€œJust kidding, Snowclaw. I can’t say you have any sort of scent at all. Humans don’t have a well-developed olfactory sense.”
    â€œOlwhatory?”
    â€œSmell, smell. Anyway, I apologize. I didn’t know you were sensitive.”
    â€œOh, it’s all right. For some reason I’m edgy.” Snowclaw sniffed the air. “Don’t know what it is.”
    Suddenly the floor began to vibrate and a low, growling rumble came from what seemed like the entire structure of the keep.
    Linda clutched at Gene’s sleeve. Gene took her hand and pulled her back down the hall, ducking into a nearby alcove. “Come on, Snowclaw!”
    Snowclaw crowded in with them.
    About five seconds later the alcove began quickly to rise.
    â€œWhoa!” Gene yelled, poking his head out the opening. “Hey, we’re — ”
    Snowclaw yanked him back just as the thick stone edge of the ceiling — and the floor above — swept past. “You’d look funny without a head.”
    â€œThanks. Sorry, that was stupid.”
    Another floor went by, then another. Then the moving alcove slowed. A fourth cross-section of stone slid down across the opening, coming to a stop at a level smoothly flush with the floor of the alcove.
    â€œIs this lingerie, do you think?” Gene asked.
    The three jumped out.
    Linda marveled, “A stone