table to get our stuff in a panic. I was hyperventilating and I didn't know why. My past started crashing down on top of me along with the knowledge that my music was taken from me.
We got out the back fire door and I leaned with my back against the concrete wall behind the Ballyhoo and slid down to sit on the cold pavement. Sandra looked almost panicked. “Are you OK Penny? I'm so sorry about that! It was my fault for getting us too close to the stage. I'm so stupid!”
This snapped me out of my panic and I actually yelled at her. I know I shouldn't have but what she said just made me so mad, and I shouldn't take my fear, panic, and frustration out on her. “Don't ever fucking say that again Sandra! You are not stupid! The only thing stupid is you saying that you are! Do you understand me?”
I stopped and closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath, calming myself down. “I'm sorry Sandra. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on you.” I stood and looked in her watering eyes. “Right about now, you are the only good thing in my life.” Then I looked where I had been sitting. “I know what you mean about the cold seeping in now. That was frigid!”
She had tears flowing down her cheeks and I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, lingering for a second or two. “Let's go home.” She smiled and wiped her face with her sleeve then nodded.
We made our way around to the front parking lot and to her car in silence. When we were pulling out of the parking lot, she was staring intently at the road without speaking. I didn't know what to do so I just reached my hand out and opened it over the center console. Without looking, she lowered her right hand to mine and I clasped it, lacing our fingers.
I could see and feel her finally relax and the tiniest of smiles flirted around on her face as she stared straight ahead. I couldn't convince my lips not to answer with a tiny smile of my own.
After a minute of this extremely intimate, comfortable silence, she gently spoke, “That was so pretty and upbeat, not like your other songs. The ones at the hospital were fun as well.” She left it at that and our comfortable silence continued all the way home. Home? I have no home.
The dogs were happy to see us.
Then she handed me a nightshirt and got on her cellphone. “Hi Jane. I'm home. What? No... no that wasn't Penny's fault. It was Lori... no... Penny almost kicked her butt but Minnie came. I was... oh... OK. I'll tell her. Love you bunches too. Goodnight Jane.”
She looked over at me sheepishly. “Jane says thank you.” Then she ran blushing into her room with the cloud of dogs at her feet.
I folded out the bed and laid down and pulled the covers up over me. Daisy came padding out of Sandra's room and jumped up on my chest and just stared at me. I started scrubbing her ears. I found the silence odd. After a minute, Daisy got on my pillow beside my head and curled in. I listened to the silence.
I wasn't thinking. That is odd for me, so I forced myself to think about the hectic day and everything again came crashing down on me at once. The heartbreak of seeing people that have basically been forgotten by the world, the small amount of food we were able to provide. The children in the hospital. I smiled for a second but then realized that a lot of the ones I met were dying. How is the fucking world fair? Why would the universe do that to those children? I hate this world, all there is here is pain.
I thought of Yvette and I realized I was silently crying and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I hurt so bad inside. I just wanted it all to stop. Then I heard light footsteps coming down the hall. I didn't look up, I tried to stop my body from shaking with the tears but I couldn't. Then Sandra wordlessly joined me on the bed, I turned away from her, hiding my shame.
She just wrapped an arm around my
We got out the back fire door and I leaned with my back against the concrete wall behind the Ballyhoo and slid down to sit on the cold pavement. Sandra looked almost panicked. “Are you OK Penny? I'm so sorry about that! It was my fault for getting us too close to the stage. I'm so stupid!”
This snapped me out of my panic and I actually yelled at her. I know I shouldn't have but what she said just made me so mad, and I shouldn't take my fear, panic, and frustration out on her. “Don't ever fucking say that again Sandra! You are not stupid! The only thing stupid is you saying that you are! Do you understand me?”
I stopped and closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath, calming myself down. “I'm sorry Sandra. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on you.” I stood and looked in her watering eyes. “Right about now, you are the only good thing in my life.” Then I looked where I had been sitting. “I know what you mean about the cold seeping in now. That was frigid!”
She had tears flowing down her cheeks and I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, lingering for a second or two. “Let's go home.” She smiled and wiped her face with her sleeve then nodded.
We made our way around to the front parking lot and to her car in silence. When we were pulling out of the parking lot, she was staring intently at the road without speaking. I didn't know what to do so I just reached my hand out and opened it over the center console. Without looking, she lowered her right hand to mine and I clasped it, lacing our fingers.
I could see and feel her finally relax and the tiniest of smiles flirted around on her face as she stared straight ahead. I couldn't convince my lips not to answer with a tiny smile of my own.
After a minute of this extremely intimate, comfortable silence, she gently spoke, “That was so pretty and upbeat, not like your other songs. The ones at the hospital were fun as well.” She left it at that and our comfortable silence continued all the way home. Home? I have no home.
The dogs were happy to see us.
Then she handed me a nightshirt and got on her cellphone. “Hi Jane. I'm home. What? No... no that wasn't Penny's fault. It was Lori... no... Penny almost kicked her butt but Minnie came. I was... oh... OK. I'll tell her. Love you bunches too. Goodnight Jane.”
She looked over at me sheepishly. “Jane says thank you.” Then she ran blushing into her room with the cloud of dogs at her feet.
I folded out the bed and laid down and pulled the covers up over me. Daisy came padding out of Sandra's room and jumped up on my chest and just stared at me. I started scrubbing her ears. I found the silence odd. After a minute, Daisy got on my pillow beside my head and curled in. I listened to the silence.
I wasn't thinking. That is odd for me, so I forced myself to think about the hectic day and everything again came crashing down on me at once. The heartbreak of seeing people that have basically been forgotten by the world, the small amount of food we were able to provide. The children in the hospital. I smiled for a second but then realized that a lot of the ones I met were dying. How is the fucking world fair? Why would the universe do that to those children? I hate this world, all there is here is pain.
I thought of Yvette and I realized I was silently crying and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I hurt so bad inside. I just wanted it all to stop. Then I heard light footsteps coming down the hall. I didn't look up, I tried to stop my body from shaking with the tears but I couldn't. Then Sandra wordlessly joined me on the bed, I turned away from her, hiding my shame.
She just wrapped an arm around my
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