goateed version of me
vanished, and I was left to see clearly the ramifi cations of what I
had done. And I didn’t feel happy about it. I didn’t feel anything
except sick with guilt and fi lled with remorse. This wasn’t at all
—-1
—0
—+1
S 83 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 83
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 83
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
the way that I had wanted any of it to happen— or how I thought
I would feel when it did. As I looked at Hallie, her face pale and
her shoulders hunched, I fi nally realized the extent of what I’d
done to her, and to Karen.
Hallie looked up and met my gaze, and I could see that her
eyes were puffy. I reached for the door handle, then paused. What
would I say to her? What could I say?
I opened my mouth, but then closed it again. Hallie looked
right at me for a long moment, then turned her head away. I knew
this was my chance to apologize, but how could I even begin?
Also, I knew if I did confess, I would be in so much trouble. But
should I just own up, now that I’d realized how empty this vic-
tory felt? Before I could make a move, my dad pushed open the
door and walked down the steps between us, his face pale and his
eyes red. He gave Hallie a quick hug, then got into the car.
He started the engine and backed down the driveway, and I
felt like I was fl eeing the scene of the crime. Hallie glanced back
at us, and she seemed incredibly small, sitting on the steps of her
rental house. She looked at us— it seemed like she was looking right
at me— until we turned the corner and she disappeared from view.
O O O
I knew what I’d done to Karen and Hallie— but it wasn’t until a
few days later that I saw what I’d also done to my father. The
happy, ice- cream- eating, novel- writing guy was gone. He now only
-1—
left the house to go teach his workshop classes, spending the rest
0—
of the time either in bed or staring out the window.
+1—
S 84 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 84
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 84
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
His computer sat untouched in the study, which made it eas-
ier for me to go in and take back my notebook. But when I opened
the drawer where I’d hidden it, the notebook wasn’t there.
I didn’t let myself panic at fi rst, just made myself methodi-
cally search the desk, then my room, even though I knew the note-
book wasn’t there— I’d shoved it into the desk after sending the
fraudulent e-mail. I knew I had. Inside the notebook was every
detail of a summer’s worth of plots to make Hallie miserable.
Every terrible thing I had done was inscribed in it.
So where was it?
I suddenly remembered my dad carry ing the box of Karen’s
things to give back to her. He might have found the journal and
thought it was Hallie’s; after all, it was the same as mine. Had I
just accidentally told her everything I had done to her this sum-
mer? Had I just inadvertently confessed everything?
I tried to fi ght back my rising panic and tell myself that it
didn’t matter. The damage was done— did it really make a differ-
ence if Hallie knew it was me who was behind it?
As I shut the drawer of the desk, I made a promise to myself. I
would apologize to Hallie and Karen. And I would work as hard
as I could to keep this monstrous, evil side of myself— a side I had
never before fathomed the existence of— at bay. And that some-
how, someday, I would make things right.
O O O
—-1
I looked up at the moon over the beach and hugged my knees
to my chest. Much as I might have wished for one, the story
—0
—+1
S 85 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 85
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 85
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
didn’t have a happy ending. When I returned to Connecticut, I
found out that my mom had met Walter over the summer, and
they were already pretty serious. As soon as I heard my mother
going on about Pacifi c breeding grounds and the different kinds
of casting techniques, I had a feeling there
vanished, and I was left to see clearly the ramifi cations of what I
had done. And I didn’t feel happy about it. I didn’t feel anything
except sick with guilt and fi lled with remorse. This wasn’t at all
—-1
—0
—+1
S 83 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 83
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 83
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
the way that I had wanted any of it to happen— or how I thought
I would feel when it did. As I looked at Hallie, her face pale and
her shoulders hunched, I fi nally realized the extent of what I’d
done to her, and to Karen.
Hallie looked up and met my gaze, and I could see that her
eyes were puffy. I reached for the door handle, then paused. What
would I say to her? What could I say?
I opened my mouth, but then closed it again. Hallie looked
right at me for a long moment, then turned her head away. I knew
this was my chance to apologize, but how could I even begin?
Also, I knew if I did confess, I would be in so much trouble. But
should I just own up, now that I’d realized how empty this vic-
tory felt? Before I could make a move, my dad pushed open the
door and walked down the steps between us, his face pale and his
eyes red. He gave Hallie a quick hug, then got into the car.
He started the engine and backed down the driveway, and I
felt like I was fl eeing the scene of the crime. Hallie glanced back
at us, and she seemed incredibly small, sitting on the steps of her
rental house. She looked at us— it seemed like she was looking right
at me— until we turned the corner and she disappeared from view.
O O O
I knew what I’d done to Karen and Hallie— but it wasn’t until a
few days later that I saw what I’d also done to my father. The
happy, ice- cream- eating, novel- writing guy was gone. He now only
-1—
left the house to go teach his workshop classes, spending the rest
0—
of the time either in bed or staring out the window.
+1—
S 84 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 84
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 84
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
His computer sat untouched in the study, which made it eas-
ier for me to go in and take back my notebook. But when I opened
the drawer where I’d hidden it, the notebook wasn’t there.
I didn’t let myself panic at fi rst, just made myself methodi-
cally search the desk, then my room, even though I knew the note-
book wasn’t there— I’d shoved it into the desk after sending the
fraudulent e-mail. I knew I had. Inside the notebook was every
detail of a summer’s worth of plots to make Hallie miserable.
Every terrible thing I had done was inscribed in it.
So where was it?
I suddenly remembered my dad carry ing the box of Karen’s
things to give back to her. He might have found the journal and
thought it was Hallie’s; after all, it was the same as mine. Had I
just accidentally told her everything I had done to her this sum-
mer? Had I just inadvertently confessed everything?
I tried to fi ght back my rising panic and tell myself that it
didn’t matter. The damage was done— did it really make a differ-
ence if Hallie knew it was me who was behind it?
As I shut the drawer of the desk, I made a promise to myself. I
would apologize to Hallie and Karen. And I would work as hard
as I could to keep this monstrous, evil side of myself— a side I had
never before fathomed the existence of— at bay. And that some-
how, someday, I would make things right.
O O O
—-1
I looked up at the moon over the beach and hugged my knees
to my chest. Much as I might have wished for one, the story
—0
—+1
S 85 T
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 85
105-56018_ch01_3P.indd 85
10/2/13 7:32 AM
10/2/13 7:32 AM
didn’t have a happy ending. When I returned to Connecticut, I
found out that my mom had met Walter over the summer, and
they were already pretty serious. As soon as I heard my mother
going on about Pacifi c breeding grounds and the different kinds
of casting techniques, I had a feeling there
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