got over you eventually.” Claire rose and turned up the thermostat on the convection heater, then curled up at the other end of the couch, pulling a mohair throw over her legs. “Nate, I always wondered.… Did the fact that Steve and I were going through a bad patch for a couple of years scare you off matrimony? Is that why you got cold feet?”
“Partly,” he admitted. Talking about something else calmed him. “Seeing how deployment could rock a strong marriage like yours, I figured I didn’t stand a shit-show of making one work. But there was something missing with Bree.” He shrugged. “An easiness, maybe. We both had to try too hard.”
Okay, he was in control now. Time to shut up with the confidences.
“If it’s any consolation, she’s happy now, married to a great guy.”
He’d shut up after saying one more thing. “I’m sorry it affected your friendship with her.”
“She didn’t understand SAS brotherhood,” she said. “I could hardly bar you from our house.”
That stung him into a reply. “What are you talking about? You frosted me for at least a year.”
“Well, you deserved it! Breaking off an engagement over the phone. What were you thinking, Nate?”
“That if I knew I couldn’t marry her, I should tell her right away.” He still saw nothing wrong with that. Nate waited for Claire to explain it to him.
“Hopeless,” she said, which was no help at all. “Next time you want to break someone’s heart, run tactics by me first, will you?”
He folded his arms. “There won’t be a next time. I’ve decided I’m not marriage material.”
“But you wanted a family.”
What he wanted and what he deserved had split irrevocably. Nate deflected. “What was it with you and Steve? You had a new baby, a new house.… Everything should have been terrific.”
Claire looked skeptical. “You mean he didn’t tell you?”
“Only that you were unreasonable, irrational and bossy as hell.”
She laughed. He’d always been able to make her laugh. “In those early years it felt as if Steve had four other wives, all of whom could read him better than I could. It’s easy to get insecure when you’re knee deep in nappies and your big advantage over the buddies—sex—gets jumbled in with housework and mortgages. All the exciting, adventurous stuff happened with his unit.”
“Not true. Most of our patrols were monotonous as hell.” Long days spent in a blistering-hot truck, lurching over featureless desert and everyone stinking to high heaven because they hadn’t washed in a month. Each man’s quirks magnified by weeks of living in each other’s pockets.
As the boiling kettle whistled and shut off, he said, “The only drama came if you were taking a shift as a motorcycle outrider and had to outrun an Afghan dog.… Those things are a cross between a hyena and a mule. Or an axle breaking and having to reweld it in forty-degree heat.”
“C’mon, Nate,” she challenged. “Steve said there was no rush that matched the rush after combat.”
“It’s what we were trained for, Claire. We wanted to use our skills.” He fell silent a moment. “And an IED can nullify all that. Anyone can fill a pressure cooker with fertilizer and diesel and wire it to a couple of AA batteries. They’re one of a terrorist’s most effective weapons because they pin life or death to a roulette wheel of random luck.... They’re frickin’ perfect.”
Nate became aware of Claire as she hugged her knees, and was stricken. “God, I’m sorry.” He should have quit while he was ahead.
“And you go half-crazy reimagining a different outcome,” she said quietly. “If it exploded a few meters to the left, maybe the injuries wouldn’t have been fatal. If only there’d been someone else’s truck in the lead, because in the initial grief you’re willing to sacrifice a stranger’s loved ones for your own.”
She smoothed out the mohair over her knees. “If the convoy had left earlier, or
“Partly,” he admitted. Talking about something else calmed him. “Seeing how deployment could rock a strong marriage like yours, I figured I didn’t stand a shit-show of making one work. But there was something missing with Bree.” He shrugged. “An easiness, maybe. We both had to try too hard.”
Okay, he was in control now. Time to shut up with the confidences.
“If it’s any consolation, she’s happy now, married to a great guy.”
He’d shut up after saying one more thing. “I’m sorry it affected your friendship with her.”
“She didn’t understand SAS brotherhood,” she said. “I could hardly bar you from our house.”
That stung him into a reply. “What are you talking about? You frosted me for at least a year.”
“Well, you deserved it! Breaking off an engagement over the phone. What were you thinking, Nate?”
“That if I knew I couldn’t marry her, I should tell her right away.” He still saw nothing wrong with that. Nate waited for Claire to explain it to him.
“Hopeless,” she said, which was no help at all. “Next time you want to break someone’s heart, run tactics by me first, will you?”
He folded his arms. “There won’t be a next time. I’ve decided I’m not marriage material.”
“But you wanted a family.”
What he wanted and what he deserved had split irrevocably. Nate deflected. “What was it with you and Steve? You had a new baby, a new house.… Everything should have been terrific.”
Claire looked skeptical. “You mean he didn’t tell you?”
“Only that you were unreasonable, irrational and bossy as hell.”
She laughed. He’d always been able to make her laugh. “In those early years it felt as if Steve had four other wives, all of whom could read him better than I could. It’s easy to get insecure when you’re knee deep in nappies and your big advantage over the buddies—sex—gets jumbled in with housework and mortgages. All the exciting, adventurous stuff happened with his unit.”
“Not true. Most of our patrols were monotonous as hell.” Long days spent in a blistering-hot truck, lurching over featureless desert and everyone stinking to high heaven because they hadn’t washed in a month. Each man’s quirks magnified by weeks of living in each other’s pockets.
As the boiling kettle whistled and shut off, he said, “The only drama came if you were taking a shift as a motorcycle outrider and had to outrun an Afghan dog.… Those things are a cross between a hyena and a mule. Or an axle breaking and having to reweld it in forty-degree heat.”
“C’mon, Nate,” she challenged. “Steve said there was no rush that matched the rush after combat.”
“It’s what we were trained for, Claire. We wanted to use our skills.” He fell silent a moment. “And an IED can nullify all that. Anyone can fill a pressure cooker with fertilizer and diesel and wire it to a couple of AA batteries. They’re one of a terrorist’s most effective weapons because they pin life or death to a roulette wheel of random luck.... They’re frickin’ perfect.”
Nate became aware of Claire as she hugged her knees, and was stricken. “God, I’m sorry.” He should have quit while he was ahead.
“And you go half-crazy reimagining a different outcome,” she said quietly. “If it exploded a few meters to the left, maybe the injuries wouldn’t have been fatal. If only there’d been someone else’s truck in the lead, because in the initial grief you’re willing to sacrifice a stranger’s loved ones for your own.”
She smoothed out the mohair over her knees. “If the convoy had left earlier, or
Similar Books
