fridge, but just as I opened the door there was a text ping. Talitha grabbed it. A self-satisfied smirk spread across her immaculately made-up features.
‘Now, Bridget,’ she said sternly, watching the confusion of feelings on my face, ‘you have to be brave and get back in the saddle, for everyone’s sake, including . . .’ She nodded in the direction of upstairs.
Ultimately, Talitha was right. But it couldn’t have gone more disastrously wrong with Leatherjacketman. As she herself said, as we sat on my sofa in the bloody aftermath:
‘It’s all my fault. I forgot to warn you. When you come out of a long relationship, the first one is always the worst. There’s too much hanging on it. You think you’re going to be rescued. Which you’re not. And you think they’re the barometers of whether you’re still viable. Which you are, but they’re not going to prove that to you.’
I broke every single one of the Key Dating Rules with Leatherjacketman. But, in my defence, at that point, I didn’t know that the Dating Rules even existed.
HOW NOT TO DO DATING
Wednesday 12 September 2012
133lb (lost 2lb through texting thumb-action), minutes spent fantasizing about Leatherjacketman 347, number of times checked for texts from Leatherjacketman 37, texts from Leatherjacketman 0, number of times checked Unexploded Email Inbox from Leatherjacketman even though Leatherjacketman does not have email address 12 (insane), total cumulative minutes late for school runs 27.
2.30 p.m. Mmm. Just back from lunch with Leatherjacketman in Primrose Hill. He was looking even more like a car-advert man, in a brown leather jacket this time, and aviator shades. It was an unseasonably warm, bright autumn day, the sky blue, the sun shining, so we could sit outside at a pavement cafe.
FINE
I love him. I love him.
NOT FINE
He’s about my age and divorced with two kids. And he’s called Andy – such a cool name.
ANDY??
As I sat down at the table, he took off his shades. His eyes were like pools. Pools of pale, pale water like a tropical sea . . .
DO NOT GET CARRIED AWAY
. . . only brown. I love him. The Dating Gods have smiled down on me.
TRY TO RETAIN SOME VESTIGE OF OBJECTIVITY
He REALLY understands the problems of single parenting. He said things like ‘How old are your kids?’
All through lunch felt like some dangerously aroused puppy who was going to start shagging his leg.
DO NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS OR FANTASIZE
It’ll be so great having sex together on Sunday mornings, I was thinking, then breakfast together with all the kids – laughing, moving in together, selling both our places and getting a house they can all walk to school from. Just as I was thinking, ‘. . . then we could just have one car and not have an issue with the parking permits,’ he interrupted: ‘Do you want a coffee?’
I blinked at him, disorientated, teetering on the brink of saying, ‘Do you think we could manage with just the one car?’
ON THE FIRST DATE: LET HIM PAY
When the bill came, I made a terrible fuss about getting my credit card out and saying, ‘No, let me,’ and ‘Shall we split it?’
‘I’ll get it,’ he said, looking at me in a funny way – maybe he already knew he loved me too?
RESPOND TO WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, NOT WHAT YOU WISH WAS HAPPENING
After lunch, I couldn’t bear it to end, and suggested we go for a walk on the Hill. It was so lovely. When we got to his car, I was hopingagainst hope that he was going to kiss me again but he just gave me a quick peck on the cheek and said, ‘Take care.’
I panicked. ‘Do you think we should see each other again?’ I blurted out.
Maybe it was a bit forward but THINK it was completely fine.
IT WASN’T
‘Sure,’ he smirked. ‘I was just waiting for you to run off screaming.’ Then he smiled his crinkly car-advert smile and got into the car.
He’s so funny!
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DISRUPT YOUR LIFE OR EQUILIBRIUM
Oh, look, this
‘Now, Bridget,’ she said sternly, watching the confusion of feelings on my face, ‘you have to be brave and get back in the saddle, for everyone’s sake, including . . .’ She nodded in the direction of upstairs.
Ultimately, Talitha was right. But it couldn’t have gone more disastrously wrong with Leatherjacketman. As she herself said, as we sat on my sofa in the bloody aftermath:
‘It’s all my fault. I forgot to warn you. When you come out of a long relationship, the first one is always the worst. There’s too much hanging on it. You think you’re going to be rescued. Which you’re not. And you think they’re the barometers of whether you’re still viable. Which you are, but they’re not going to prove that to you.’
I broke every single one of the Key Dating Rules with Leatherjacketman. But, in my defence, at that point, I didn’t know that the Dating Rules even existed.
HOW NOT TO DO DATING
Wednesday 12 September 2012
133lb (lost 2lb through texting thumb-action), minutes spent fantasizing about Leatherjacketman 347, number of times checked for texts from Leatherjacketman 37, texts from Leatherjacketman 0, number of times checked Unexploded Email Inbox from Leatherjacketman even though Leatherjacketman does not have email address 12 (insane), total cumulative minutes late for school runs 27.
2.30 p.m. Mmm. Just back from lunch with Leatherjacketman in Primrose Hill. He was looking even more like a car-advert man, in a brown leather jacket this time, and aviator shades. It was an unseasonably warm, bright autumn day, the sky blue, the sun shining, so we could sit outside at a pavement cafe.
FINE
I love him. I love him.
NOT FINE
He’s about my age and divorced with two kids. And he’s called Andy – such a cool name.
ANDY??
As I sat down at the table, he took off his shades. His eyes were like pools. Pools of pale, pale water like a tropical sea . . .
DO NOT GET CARRIED AWAY
. . . only brown. I love him. The Dating Gods have smiled down on me.
TRY TO RETAIN SOME VESTIGE OF OBJECTIVITY
He REALLY understands the problems of single parenting. He said things like ‘How old are your kids?’
All through lunch felt like some dangerously aroused puppy who was going to start shagging his leg.
DO NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS OR FANTASIZE
It’ll be so great having sex together on Sunday mornings, I was thinking, then breakfast together with all the kids – laughing, moving in together, selling both our places and getting a house they can all walk to school from. Just as I was thinking, ‘. . . then we could just have one car and not have an issue with the parking permits,’ he interrupted: ‘Do you want a coffee?’
I blinked at him, disorientated, teetering on the brink of saying, ‘Do you think we could manage with just the one car?’
ON THE FIRST DATE: LET HIM PAY
When the bill came, I made a terrible fuss about getting my credit card out and saying, ‘No, let me,’ and ‘Shall we split it?’
‘I’ll get it,’ he said, looking at me in a funny way – maybe he already knew he loved me too?
RESPOND TO WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, NOT WHAT YOU WISH WAS HAPPENING
After lunch, I couldn’t bear it to end, and suggested we go for a walk on the Hill. It was so lovely. When we got to his car, I was hopingagainst hope that he was going to kiss me again but he just gave me a quick peck on the cheek and said, ‘Take care.’
I panicked. ‘Do you think we should see each other again?’ I blurted out.
Maybe it was a bit forward but THINK it was completely fine.
IT WASN’T
‘Sure,’ he smirked. ‘I was just waiting for you to run off screaming.’ Then he smiled his crinkly car-advert smile and got into the car.
He’s so funny!
DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DISRUPT YOUR LIFE OR EQUILIBRIUM
Oh, look, this
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