Brain Droppings by George Carlin Page A

items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doo-fuses new gizmos.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie.
    piog,ammir>g flaw, many computer calculations,
Tun t « ai and pensions, will oe throw o», by ,he
of 1 yL 2000. It’s because many computer programs
”as, two digits for calculating years. It will cos,
rj-^’oobilll dollars to correct ,,smiS,a,e.rm
    glad., like anything that causes trouble.
    except rage, because it takes strength to show soft
    mide. Then they kill someone.
    e: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground.
ancestors for eternity.
h0 are all these people whose eyeglasses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious Hold your glasses, or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals.
    IO2
    rain d…» o p p…I..« 9 …»
GEORGE C A R L I N
    housework/homework
houseboy/homeboy
housebreaker/ho mewrecker
housekeeper/homemaker
    That thing you live in? Is it a house, or is it a hom&? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses.
    Most people don’t mind if you put ‘em in a house. But under no circumstances do they want you to put ‘em in a home, Unless it’s a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy h^use. A happy house is one that’s just been cleaned and painted. You’d be happy, too.
    The madam Polly Adler once said, “A house is not a home.” Of course, she meant a whorehouse is not a home. And it’’s not; no one would ever go to a whore home. Except a really old whore. That’s where they go: The Old Whore’s Home.
    orrosiTE-sAHE-orrosiTE
    Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports ifans say “turf” when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is; very valuable. I’ll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn’t care ieSs. Same difference. By the way, is it “from here on in” or “from he:re on out”?
    X Palsable celery
X The Arionese Syberation Limby
X Footday Night Monball
X Daise Don’t Please the Eatsies
X A knocknical techout
X The New Bork Yockerknickers
X Beach the Combdanner
X Sylstoner Vallest
X Cronker Waltite
X The Unington of Washiversity
X Third Enkinders of the Close Count
X Kind Enclosures of the Third Count
X The Inhuldable Crelk
X Circy Flython’s Pything Montus
X The Delaseverty Sixenty Philyers
    GEORGE CARL I N
WHAT’S nr norivATion? <
    What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I’m not sure motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
HE 6E0R0E CAR1II
BOOKQUI
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Offer #2: ADVICE AND SEIE-HELP TITLES
Where to Go for a Free Fuck
    Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway X You Give Me Six Weeks and I’ll Give You Some Bad Disease X Why You Should Never Mambo with a Policeman X The Stains in Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future X Earn Big Money by Sitting in Your Car Trunk
    brain droppings
«£ Where to Take a Short Woman
    ; Gave Up Hope and It Worked Just Fine
    Why You Should Never Yodel During an Electrical Storm
    Fill Your Life with Croutons
** 5u Ways to Screw Up Before Breakfast
% I Suck, You Suck
X Reorganizing Your Pockets
X Where to Hide a Really Big Snot
X Why You Must Never Give Yourself a Neck Operation
X The Wrong Underwear Can Kill
X Now You Can Cure Cancer