Blue Heaven by Joe Keenan Page B

And I've even enjoyed those-but from a distance. Which is how you should enjoy them, too."
    "Are you through scolding me?"
    "No. I doubt I ever will be."
    "So, what should I do about this wedding?"
    "I have no idea."
    "You don't?"
    "How could I? It all depends on things you don't know yet. Mainly the Cellinis. Are they mafiosi or aren't they? If they are, you're going to pull out immediately. I'm not suggesting, I'm commanding. You'll pull right out and from there on avoid Gilbert like the plague, because if you don't I'll go straight to Gilbert's mother and tell her everything."
    "You wouldn't!"
    "You know very well I would. I won't let you get yourself killed over a few thousand dollars."
    "But what if they're harmless?"
    "If they're harmless I don't see where I come into it. I'll recommend you get out of it because it's dishonest and not likely to work, and you'll ignore me as usual and go ahead and do it. Right?"
    I conceded the point.
    "But you wouldn't blow the whistle?"
    "No. I only butt in when there are lives at stake."
    "You really think it won't work?"
    "I'm not saying it couldn't, but honestly! All those lies! It would take a genius just to keep track of them never mind keeping everyone believing them all. And Moira. Do you really trust her even for a minute?"
    "Well, gee," I said weakly, my head spinning from this onslaught of realism. "We are all in it together."
    "Philip, you idiot, she's defrauding her own mother, her stepfather, her trust officer, her in-laws and her best friends. You think she draws the line at cheating you?"
    "She's not paying me. My part comes out of Gilbert's share. He'd never cheat me."
    "Yes, but who's to say Moira isn't planning to cheat him? Please, dear, for my sake, walk away. Even if they're not all Mafia. There's a very small chance you'll make some easy money and a very large chance you'll be terribly embarrassed, if not actually sued. If not actually killed."
    "Claire, instead of telling me how rotten my chances are why don't you help me improve them?"
    She arched her back slightly and pursed her lips as though she'd just spotted roaches in her silverware drawer.
    "You know better than to ask me to participate in some silly hoax!"
    "But I want my computer!" I whined. "Think how much faster we'd get a show written if I had a word processor!"
    "Or a shred of discipline."
    She had me there, of course, but I did my best to look surprised and injured and after a moment she sighed heavily and bent just a hair.
    "Philip, to be honest, there's a part of me that would like nothing more than to see you pull this off. You've gone to bat for Gilbert dozens of times and never gotten a thing for your trouble. It's high time you did."
    "Then help me out! You don't have to do anything. Just consult. I'll Jell you what's going on and you tell me what we're doing wrong-"
    "Now, just stop it-"
    "Claire, who's really getting swindled? Maddie and Tony are rich as shit. And as far as the money Moira gets from the duchess, it's the same money she'll get when her mother kicks off anyway!"
    "Philip! These are rationalizations!"
    "And damn fine ones, too! C'mon, Claire, I'm just asking for your opinions. You're the sharpest person I know. You're so good at figuring people out-how they'll behave in a situation, what they're really thinking when they say one thing and mean another."
    I knew if there was any hope of enlisting her this was the way to do it. Claire, though she denies it hotly, is extremely vain about her intellect, as well she should be. She's the only person I've ever met who can solve those maddening London Times crossword puzzles. You know, the ones where the clue is "hat for a princess?" and the correct answer is "carburetor." She can't resist a challenge. If she could be induced to view the situation not as an ethical but as an intellectual problem, the Byzantine complexities of which could only be solved by her awesome perspicacity, I'd be in business.
    "Please! You said it would take a