Bloodsucking fiends by Christopher Moore

that held Bummer and Lazarus. "And I should be off before the men revolt from hunger."
    "Me, too, I guess." Tommy stood and made as if to shake hands, then bowed instead. "Thanks for the company."
    The Emperor winked, spun on one heel, and started to lead his troops away, then stopped and turned back. "And, son, don't touch anything with an edge while you're in the building? Scissors, letter openers, anything."
    "Why?" Tommy asked.
    "It's the shape of the building, a pyramid. They'd rather people not know about it, but they have a full-time employee who just goes around dulling the letter openers."
    "You're kidding."
    "Safety first," the Emperor said.
    "Thanks."
    Tommy took a deep breath and steeled himself for his assault on the Pyramid. As he walked out of the sun and under the massive concrete buttresses, he could feel a chill through his flannel shirt, as if the concrete had stored the damp cold of the night fog and was radiating it like a refrigerator coil. He was shivering by the time he reached the information desk. A guard eyed him suspiciously.
    "Can I help you?"
    "I'm looking for the Transamerica personnel department."
    The guard made a face as if Tommy had been dipped in sewage. "Do you have an appointment?"
    "Yes." Tommy waved Jody's papers under the guard's nose.
    The guard picked up a phone and was punching numbers when a second guard came up behind him and took the receiver. "He's fine," the second guard said. "Send him up."
    "But -"
    "He's a friend of the Emperor."
    The first guard hung up the phone and said, "Twenty-first floor, sir." He pointed to the elevators.
    Tommy took an elevator to the twenty-first floor, then followed the signs until he found the right department. An officious-looking older woman told him to have a seat in the reception room, she would be right with him. Then she took great pains to act as if he had been sucked off the planet.
    Tommy sat on a black leather sofa that sighed with his weight, chose a magazine from the black stone coffee table, and waited. During the next hour he read a household-hints column ("Coffee grounds in that cat box will fill your house with the delightful aroma of brewing espresso every time kitty heeds the call"); an article on computer junkies ("Bruce has been off the mouse for six months now, but he says he takes life one byte at a time"); and a review of the new musical Jonestown ! ("Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as Jim Jones.") He borrowed some whiteout from the officious-looking woman and touched up the finish on his sneakers, then dried them under a halogen reading light that looked like a robot's arm holding the sun. When he started pulling cologne sample cards out of GQ and rubbing them on his socks, the woman told him he could go on in.
    He picked up his shoes and walked into the office in his stocking feet. Another officious-looking woman, who looked remarkably like the first officious-looking woman, down to the little chain on her reading glasses, had him sit down across from her while she looked at Jody's papers and ignored him.
    She consulted a computer screen, tapped on a few keys, then waited while the computer did something. Tommy put his shoes on and waited. She didn't look up.
    He cleared his throat. She tapped on the keys. He reached down, opened his suitcase, and took out his portable typewriter. She didn't look up. She tapped and looked at the screen.
    He opened the typewriter case, rolled a piece of paper in the machine, and tapped on a few keys.
    She looked up. He tapped a few more keys. "What are you doing?" she asked. Tommy tapped. He didn't look up.
    The woman raised her voice. "I said, what are you doing?"
    Tommy kept typing and looked up. "Pardon me, I was ignoring you. What did you say?"
    "What are you doing?" She repeated.
    "It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world