Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren't Being Fooled by Jennifer Freyd, Pamela Birrell
Authors: Jennifer Freyd, Pamela Birrell
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Hendrik introduced various types of compelling evidence, including testimony that the minister had sexually abused his grandson and eyewitness testimony to one of the incidents of sexual abuse of Hendrik himself.
What happened to Hendrik was a terrible trauma. It was also a huge betrayal. We wondered about his family context. Perhaps that would help us better understand his story. We asked Hendrik, “Do you remember your relationship with your parents and family members when you were six to eight years old? What sort of parents and family did you have?”
Hendrik responded,
There were seven children in my family, twenty-year age difference from oldest to youngest. I am the third to the youngest. We grew up on a farm—Father was very busy trying to make ends meet. My mother had recurring problems with depression for much of her life as I was growing up as a child. She spent a couple spans of several months hospitalized for this depression and some smaller periods as well. The longer spans occurred prior to my abuse (the minister had knowledge of when she was hospitalized). As children, we were always concerned about her health/well-being. During my six- to eight-year-old period, I was concerned about my mother's well-being. We had a fairly good relationship, but at times I felt more like a caretaker for her, instead of vice versa.
My father was generally very quiet, and overall, we didn't communicate about our problems or what was going on with us. He would often get very quiet and not talk for few days—I thought then that he was angry during these times. He never hurt me directly, and generally he was always good to me. He did, though, sexually abuse/hurt some of my sisters to varying degrees (in the same general time period)—part of which I had some knowledge of as a child.
We asked Hendrik to tell us more about his father's sexual abuse of his sisters.
[With] my sister Patty, it involved only attempted inappropriate touching and did not go any further—he attempted to remove undergarments. He stopped when she resisted. I did not know about this until this issue was brought up in the family ten years ago. My father has admitted such, and it seems like it was no more than this incident, and my sister Patty has been open about it.
My sister Jane was abused to a much greater degree, involving intercourse. What I knew predated what happened to me by a short time (age ages five to six or so). I think the only thing that I knew at the time was that he hurt her in bed together. My father has admitted to abuse, although not entirely to that degree. I know that it was not an isolated incident and probably occurred mostly when my mother was hospitalized. I do not know for certain when it started or over how long a period of time. I was quite young at the time and really don't remember any specific clues, other than what I mentioned above. I know that she saw a physician, and when she was bit older, I always remember my father being very concerned (overly) she was going to be pregnant—but at the time I thought he was relating to her dating. My oldest sister remembers Jane coming to her saying something about him trying to touch her and that she had gone and talked to him after that incident.
My sister Jane had an eating disorder that started after the abuse ceased (bulimia), which is something I also suffered with for a period.
Hendrik described being sexually abused by someone he had reason to trust: the minister in his church. He also described a family in which sexual abuse was rampant. Hendrik was betrayed by both his church and his family, and for a long time he forgot all of these betrayals.
Betrayal trauma theory was first created to account for massive forgetting and unawareness of this sort. The core idea is that forgetting and unawareness help the abuse victim survive. The theory draws on two facts about our nature as social beings and our dependence and reliance on others.
What happened to Hendrik was a terrible trauma. It was also a huge betrayal. We wondered about his family context. Perhaps that would help us better understand his story. We asked Hendrik, “Do you remember your relationship with your parents and family members when you were six to eight years old? What sort of parents and family did you have?”
Hendrik responded,
There were seven children in my family, twenty-year age difference from oldest to youngest. I am the third to the youngest. We grew up on a farm—Father was very busy trying to make ends meet. My mother had recurring problems with depression for much of her life as I was growing up as a child. She spent a couple spans of several months hospitalized for this depression and some smaller periods as well. The longer spans occurred prior to my abuse (the minister had knowledge of when she was hospitalized). As children, we were always concerned about her health/well-being. During my six- to eight-year-old period, I was concerned about my mother's well-being. We had a fairly good relationship, but at times I felt more like a caretaker for her, instead of vice versa.
My father was generally very quiet, and overall, we didn't communicate about our problems or what was going on with us. He would often get very quiet and not talk for few days—I thought then that he was angry during these times. He never hurt me directly, and generally he was always good to me. He did, though, sexually abuse/hurt some of my sisters to varying degrees (in the same general time period)—part of which I had some knowledge of as a child.
We asked Hendrik to tell us more about his father's sexual abuse of his sisters.
[With] my sister Patty, it involved only attempted inappropriate touching and did not go any further—he attempted to remove undergarments. He stopped when she resisted. I did not know about this until this issue was brought up in the family ten years ago. My father has admitted such, and it seems like it was no more than this incident, and my sister Patty has been open about it.
My sister Jane was abused to a much greater degree, involving intercourse. What I knew predated what happened to me by a short time (age ages five to six or so). I think the only thing that I knew at the time was that he hurt her in bed together. My father has admitted to abuse, although not entirely to that degree. I know that it was not an isolated incident and probably occurred mostly when my mother was hospitalized. I do not know for certain when it started or over how long a period of time. I was quite young at the time and really don't remember any specific clues, other than what I mentioned above. I know that she saw a physician, and when she was bit older, I always remember my father being very concerned (overly) she was going to be pregnant—but at the time I thought he was relating to her dating. My oldest sister remembers Jane coming to her saying something about him trying to touch her and that she had gone and talked to him after that incident.
My sister Jane had an eating disorder that started after the abuse ceased (bulimia), which is something I also suffered with for a period.
Hendrik described being sexually abused by someone he had reason to trust: the minister in his church. He also described a family in which sexual abuse was rampant. Hendrik was betrayed by both his church and his family, and for a long time he forgot all of these betrayals.
Betrayal trauma theory was first created to account for massive forgetting and unawareness of this sort. The core idea is that forgetting and unawareness help the abuse victim survive. The theory draws on two facts about our nature as social beings and our dependence and reliance on others.
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