Black Tide by Del Stone

college professors to include their assistants on field studies.’
    Her head wobbled back and forth, and I could imagine her eyes rolling in the sockets. ‘I’m not exactly an expert on dinoflagellates. You could have asked a dozen other more qualified people to help, and you know I wouldn’t have been bothered. I don’t even know why I’m your assistant. I’d be much better suited to Dr. Purdy …’
    â€˜I thought you wanted a diversified study base,’ I offered weakly.
    She sighed. ‘Let’s just be honest. We may not live through the night, so let’s be very, very honest …’
    â€˜We’re not going to die tonight …’
    â€˜Whatever,’ she answered dismissively. ‘I’d like to know the real reason.’
    I fought for breath. I had never spoken about this with her, not any of it, and now I wasn’t sure I even felt the same as before. Much had changed in the past two days. Too much for words.
    â€˜Be honest,’ she reminded me.
    I didn’t want to be honest. I wanted to tell her another lie. Too much was at stake now, and when I began to enumerate to myself everything I would risk by telling the truth, the words just tumbled out.
    â€˜I wanted to be with you. Alone.’
    She turned to me, her expression neutral. ‘You wanted to have sex with me?’
    The words stung. Spoken with such lack of decoration, such blunt certainty, they robbed the whole concept of its subtextual beauty. I felt my face growing hot, and I was hopeful she couldn’t see me.
    â€˜It wasn’t just a sexual thing,’ I murmured, ashamed. ‘It was you. I wanted to be with you.’
    She didn’t say anything for a long moment, and the light had grown so dim I couldn’t make out her expression. But after that long pause she said, ‘I knew that.’
    The hole inside me deepened, if that were possible. It felt as though every molecule of my body were being drawn into it so that I heard her only dimly over the roar of my own heartbeat. A mad pulsing commenced in my temples, a heavy thud that sent shockwaves rippling across my body.
    â€˜That’s why you shouldn’t turn on the light. That’s why I should be dragged off into the water.’
    I shook my head, more delirious than confused. ‘What are you talking about?’
    â€˜That’s why I asked Scotty to come.’
    I knew that already. I told her.
    â€˜I don’t want you to think I hate you,’ she blurted, ignoring what I’d just told her. She had become a pale hobgoblin in the maroon twilight. ‘I just … I just didn’t feel the same way about you. And I wanted Scotty there.’
    I couldn’t think of anything to say except, ‘I’m sorry.’
    â€˜It’s not that I think you’re too old, or unattractive,’ she amplified. ‘I just … I was wrapped up in Scotty. I was taken. You see?’
    Neither one of us spoke for a long time. The night settled in around us. There were no bugs – my Karenia negre had apparently done them in too. We sat there in the cool dark.
    My feelings were … I don’t know. I felt hollow inside, and cold to the bone. A kind of revelation was settling in. Every person experiences a moment in his life when he finally understands in a way that the protective coating on the psyche cannot deflect that he is fallible, and mortal. It’s a condition that neither education nor intellect can deny. I had committed mistakes that for all my life I’d held other men in my circumstances accountable for, and now I didn’t want to admit the same for myself. I always seemed to disappoint myself.
    â€˜Are we evil people, Fred?’ Heather asked, her voice perversely innocent. ‘All the manipulating and conniving – does that make us evil?’
    â€˜You’re not evil,’ I told her.
    â€˜And you?’
    â€˜I don’t know.’ I