It was harder to hear them from Dora’s room.
“Remember when we used to build forts in Mom and Dad’s bedroom?” I asked. “We’d use all the blankets and all the pillows, and we’d crawl around on the floor and pretend to get lost?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“That was fun,” I said.
“Uh-huh.”
“We used to do a lot of that stuff.” I wondered if she had fallen back to sleep. “I tried to kiss Jimmy today,” I said.
“Ew?” Dora turned over so she was facing me. In the dark she looked different. Her face had changed; it was full of shadows. “What do you mean, ‘tried to’?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t want to do it,” I said. “He wouldn’t kiss me back. I think I probably did it wrong.”
“Maybe you should practice,” Dora said. “I used to practice on my hand. Like this.” She made a fist and held it toward me in the dark. “My hand used to like it,” she said. “No complaints, anyway.” She lifted her head off the pillow. “Do you need me to kick Jimmy’s ass for you?”
“No,” I said. “Thanks.”
“Because I’m willing to,” Dora said. “I would do it for you.”
I could hear our parents coming upstairs. “I wish you had told me when it started, Dora.”
She lay back down.
I pulled a strand of her hair from my mouth. Our faces were inches apart on the pillow.
“You used to tell me things,” I said. “We used to talk. I wish you had told me.” I picked up her skinny arm and draped it over my shoulder. “Everything’s going to be okay,” I said. “We can still trust each other.”
Dora’s feet were as cold as ice. The bed was too small for two people, but she didn’t tell me to leave and go back to my room.
55
Dora’s friends Kate and Lila sat down next to me in the cafeteria. “We came to talk to you,” Kate said. “To the little sister.” She sipped from a plastic water bottle.
“Can I have your carrot sticks?” Lila asked.
I handed them over. There was an awkward silence.
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Lila said. “But did Dora get in trouble last weekend?”
“For what?” I asked.
Kate took another swig of her water. “She said she was grounded.”
“She wasn’t grounded.” I threw the rest of my lunch away. “She was with you guys.” I looked at Kate. “She was at your house on Saturday.”
Kate twisted the lid back onto her bottle of water. “I don’t know whose house she was at,” she said. “But it wasn’t mine.”
56
On my way back to class I left a sticky note on Dora’s locker.
Fqkpi mi? Doing ok?
On my own locker, an hour later, I found her answer:
Uvqr uyrafgle og.
Stop watching me.
57
“You’re particularly quiet today,” the Grandma Therapist said.
I sagged down in her chair. I liked her chair; there were all different ways a person could sit in it.
“Are you getting enough sleep?”
I didn’t answer.
“We’ll need to talk about that,” she said. “But what have you been thinking about and feeling this past week?” She waited. She seemed to have the ability to wait forever. Wasn’t she concerned that my parents were paying for these empty minutes?
I thought about the different things I could tell her: that I had tried to kiss Jimmy, that my parents barely noticed me anymore, that our lives at home revolved around making sure Dora took her pills and went to school, and that we gauged her mood almost every minute of every day.
“I like your office,” I said.
“Thank you.” The Grandma Therapist nodded. “What else are you thinking?”
“I’m not sure yet.” I felt a few invisible doors begin to open, as if someone were tugging at my skin. “Sometimes I wonder,” I said.
“What do you wonder?”
The room was so quiet I could hear the ticking of the clock.
“Sometimes when I think about Dora I wonder, you know—” I felt my pulse beating in my throat. “I wonder what I’m supposed to
do
with it.” I looked around her office—the lamp, the rug, the bookshelf,
“Remember when we used to build forts in Mom and Dad’s bedroom?” I asked. “We’d use all the blankets and all the pillows, and we’d crawl around on the floor and pretend to get lost?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“That was fun,” I said.
“Uh-huh.”
“We used to do a lot of that stuff.” I wondered if she had fallen back to sleep. “I tried to kiss Jimmy today,” I said.
“Ew?” Dora turned over so she was facing me. In the dark she looked different. Her face had changed; it was full of shadows. “What do you mean, ‘tried to’?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t want to do it,” I said. “He wouldn’t kiss me back. I think I probably did it wrong.”
“Maybe you should practice,” Dora said. “I used to practice on my hand. Like this.” She made a fist and held it toward me in the dark. “My hand used to like it,” she said. “No complaints, anyway.” She lifted her head off the pillow. “Do you need me to kick Jimmy’s ass for you?”
“No,” I said. “Thanks.”
“Because I’m willing to,” Dora said. “I would do it for you.”
I could hear our parents coming upstairs. “I wish you had told me when it started, Dora.”
She lay back down.
I pulled a strand of her hair from my mouth. Our faces were inches apart on the pillow.
“You used to tell me things,” I said. “We used to talk. I wish you had told me.” I picked up her skinny arm and draped it over my shoulder. “Everything’s going to be okay,” I said. “We can still trust each other.”
Dora’s feet were as cold as ice. The bed was too small for two people, but she didn’t tell me to leave and go back to my room.
55
Dora’s friends Kate and Lila sat down next to me in the cafeteria. “We came to talk to you,” Kate said. “To the little sister.” She sipped from a plastic water bottle.
“Can I have your carrot sticks?” Lila asked.
I handed them over. There was an awkward silence.
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Lila said. “But did Dora get in trouble last weekend?”
“For what?” I asked.
Kate took another swig of her water. “She said she was grounded.”
“She wasn’t grounded.” I threw the rest of my lunch away. “She was with you guys.” I looked at Kate. “She was at your house on Saturday.”
Kate twisted the lid back onto her bottle of water. “I don’t know whose house she was at,” she said. “But it wasn’t mine.”
56
On my way back to class I left a sticky note on Dora’s locker.
Fqkpi mi? Doing ok?
On my own locker, an hour later, I found her answer:
Uvqr uyrafgle og.
Stop watching me.
57
“You’re particularly quiet today,” the Grandma Therapist said.
I sagged down in her chair. I liked her chair; there were all different ways a person could sit in it.
“Are you getting enough sleep?”
I didn’t answer.
“We’ll need to talk about that,” she said. “But what have you been thinking about and feeling this past week?” She waited. She seemed to have the ability to wait forever. Wasn’t she concerned that my parents were paying for these empty minutes?
I thought about the different things I could tell her: that I had tried to kiss Jimmy, that my parents barely noticed me anymore, that our lives at home revolved around making sure Dora took her pills and went to school, and that we gauged her mood almost every minute of every day.
“I like your office,” I said.
“Thank you.” The Grandma Therapist nodded. “What else are you thinking?”
“I’m not sure yet.” I felt a few invisible doors begin to open, as if someone were tugging at my skin. “Sometimes I wonder,” I said.
“What do you wonder?”
The room was so quiet I could hear the ticking of the clock.
“Sometimes when I think about Dora I wonder, you know—” I felt my pulse beating in my throat. “I wonder what I’m supposed to
do
with it.” I looked around her office—the lamp, the rug, the bookshelf,
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