Bite Me by Christopher Moore

message.”
    “Yeah, you said to call if anything weird happened,” said Troy Lee.
    “Actually, we said not to call us,” said Cavuto.
    “Really? Whatever. Anyway, the Emperor came banging on the store windows last night all freaked out about vampire cats.”
    “Did you see them?”
    “Yeah, there were shitloads. And I don’t know how you’re going to take them down. That’s why it’s pretty obvious that it’s the Apocalypse.”
    Clint, the born-again, now looked up. “I figure that the number of the beast is a number of how many. So, there were like six hundred sixty-six at least.”
    “Although it was hard to count,” said Drew. “They were in a cloud.”
    Rivera looked to Troy Lee for explanation.
    “It was like they’d all gone to vapor, like we saw the old vampire trying to do that night we blew up his yacht. Except they were all merged into one, big-ass vampire cloud.”
    “Yeah, it started coming into the store, even with the door locked,” said Jeff, now at the foul line, sinking his fourth swish in a row.
    “How’d you stop it?” Cavuto asked.
    “Wet towel under the door,” said Barry. “It’s what you do when you’re smoking weed in a hotel and you don’t want everyone calling security. You’re always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.”
    “Skills,” said Drew, a little glassy-eyed now.
    “But, if not for the wet towel, it was the Apocalypse,” said Troy Lee. “Clint is looking in the book of Revelation for the part about the towel now.”
    “I hope it’s like Thunder Dome Apocalypse,” said Jeff. “Not zombies trying to eat your brain Apocalypse.”
    “I’m pretty sure it’s going to be, city-wiped-out-by-vampire-cats Apocalypse,” said Barry. “You know, just going on what we know.”
    “It’s not the Apocalypse,” said Cavuto.
    “So, what happened?” Rivera asked. “The cloud just went away?”
    “Yeah, it sort of distilled to a big herd of cats and they went running every which way. But what do we do tonight if it comes back? The Emperor led it right to us.”
    “Where is the Emperor?”
    “He went off this morning with his dogs. Said he thought he knew where the prime vampire cat might be and that he and the men would dispatch it and save his city.”
    “And you let him?”
    “He’s the Emperor, Inspector. You can’t tell him shit.”
    Rivera looked at Cavuto. “Call dispatch to post a bulletin to call us if anyone sees the Emperor.”
    “We’re not getting off work today, are we?” said Cavuto.
    “Take an Apocalypse day,” said Barry. “Woo-hoo! Apocalypse day!”
    Troy Lee’s grandma fired off a barrage of Cantonese to her grandson, who replied with the same. The old woman shrugged and looked up at Cavuto and Rivera and spoke for about thirty seconds, then went and took the ball from Jeff, then shot a complete air ball, at which everyone cheered.
    “What? What?” said Cavuto.
    “She wanted to know what Barry was woo-hooing about, so I told her.”
    “What did she say?”
    “She said no big deal. They had vampire cats in Beijing when she was a girl. She said their shit is weak.”
    “She said that?”
    “The idiom is different, but basically, yeah.”
    “Oh good,” said Cavuto, “I feel better.”
    “We need to find the Emperor,” Rivera said.
    Cavuto pulled the car keys out of his jacket. “And pick up our Apocalypse jackets.”
    “What about us?” asked Lash.
    Rivera didn’t even look back when he said, “You guys have more experience fighting vampires than anyone on the planet…”
    “We do, don’t we?” said Troy Lee.
    “Oh, we are so fucked,” said Lash.
    “That’s sad,” said Drew, repacking the bowl of the bong. “Really sad.”
    THE EMPEROR
    Darkness. He waited a moment, listening to his pulse beat in his ears before striking another match. “Courage,” he whispered to himself, a mantra, an affirmation, a sound to keep him from jumping out of his own skin