Beware of God by Shalom Auslander Page B

leave.
    Linus stands up.
    â€œGood grief,” says Charlie Brown.
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    S NOOPY sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter. Woodstock sits on Snoopy’s shoulder.
    Charlie Brown strolls over.
    Snoopy hands him a page.
    Charlie Brown reads: “The only final solution is to kill all the Pumpkinites as they have killed Schulz our Lord.”
    Charlie Brown looks up at Snoopy.
    â€œMein Kampf,” says Snoopy.
    Woodstock starts shouting loudly and waving his red pen.
    â€œMein editor,” says Snoopy.
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    S NOOPY sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter.
    Snoopy types: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
    Snoopy thinks.
    Snoopy thinks.
    Snoopy thinks.
    Snoopy writes: “Because of the lousy Pumpkinites.”
    Snoopy smiles.
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    L UCY holds the football for Charlie Brown.
    Lucy says, “There’s so much hatred and animosity in this world.”
    Charlie Brown runs toward the football.
    Lucy says: “Maybe one day, in some distant utopian future, we can stop this hideous cycle of violence once and for all.”
    Lucy pulls the ball away and Charlie Brown falls flat on his back.
    â€œThat’s a beautiful sentiment,” says Charlie Brown.
    â€œI’m a beautiful person,” says Lucy.
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    L UCY leans against Schroeder’s piano as Schroeder plays.
    Lucy says, “Before we get married, you should know that I don’t believe in Schulz. I’m devoutly Pumpkinite.”
    Schroeder says, “I don’t believe in either Schulz or the Great Pumpkin. I believe that our purpose on Earth is an inner journey of exploration and honesty not an outward journey of conquest and domination.”
    Schroeder goes back to playing his piano.
    Lucy says, “I don’t believe in Schulz, either.”
    Schroeder rolls his eyes.
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    C HARLIE B ROWN and Linus, standing behind the old stone wall.
    Charlie Brown says, “My religion is baseball. My church is the pitcher’s mound.”
    Charlie Brown says, “The moment a team steps onto that mystical field, all differences between them are forgotten. It is no small miracle but that for one small moment, nine different people become as one.”
    Snoopy strolls over to Linus. He is carrying a baseball bat over his shoulder.
    Snoopy smashes Linus in the head.
    Charlie Brown says, “Good grief.”
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    C HARLIE B ROWN , standing outside Snoopy’s jail cell.
    Snoopy says, “On the contrary—I plead guilty!”
    Snoopy says, “I am a soldier in the army of Schulz, and I shall proudly smite the nonbeliever wherever he may be.”
    Charlie Brown says, “If you plead not guilty we can be home in time for dinner.”
    Snoopy’s ears stand straight up.
    Charlie Brown and Snoopy, walking home. Snoopy thinks: Even zealots get the munchies.
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    L UCY and Linus, walking down the street. Linus’s head is wrapped in a bandage.
    They meet Charlie Brown and Snoopy.
    Lucy says, “We refuse to play on a baseball team with Snoopy.”
    Snoopy says, “I refuse to play on a baseball team with them.”
    Nobody says anything.
    Charlie Brown says, “Hatred is something everyone can agree on.”
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    C HARLIE B ROWN , slumped down in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.
    Charlie Brown says, “I give up. Maybe we should all just stay apart. Maybe we should all just build our walls and fences and defend them night and day with our barbed wire and guard dogs. Why should I be the only one who cares? So what if I never see or speak to another Pumpkinite for the rest of my life? What do I care?”
    Sally asks, “All the Pumpkinites?”
    Charlie Brown says, “All the Pumpkinites.”
    â€œEven the Little Red Haired Pumpkinites?” asks Sally.
    â€œAauugghh!” screams Charlie Brown.
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    C HARLIE B ROWN , walking across the lawn.
    He meets Snoopy, who carries a rifle over his shoulder and