Beware of God by Shalom Auslander Page A

him. More likely, she just thought it was a Bible.
    God smacked his Palm Pilot angrily and threw it onto the table. “Piece of shit,” he said loudly.
    Deutsch smiled and tried to direct God’s attention toward Goldsmith.
    â€œWe want your business,” continued Goldsmith, “not just for the revenue, but because we truly want you to succeed.”
    He loathed himself. He loathed every last cell in his body.
    God was still grumbling about the Palm Pilot.
    â€œWhy is every fucking thing those fucking Japs make such a piece of shit? Why?”
    Everyone laughed.
    â€œWe’re going to show you a range of ideas,” Goldsmith soldiered on, “and I want to emphasize that these are just ideas, just works in progress.”
    â€œYou mean they suck?” God quipped. “What are you, a fucking Jap now?”
    Everyone laughed.
    Even Goldsmith laughed.
    Goldsmith laughed and laughed, long after everyone else had stopped. “Everything’s funny when you’re paying the bills,” Goldsmith laughed, and then he laughed some more.
    â€œI’m not paying your bills,” God said coldly.
    Everyone laughed.
    If there was a third thing that Goldsmith had learned after thirty years in the advertising business it was that sometimes, with some clients, “fuck you” is a valid answer.
    â€œFuck you,” Goldsmith said.
    Nobody laughed.
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    Â·Â·Â·
    T HE account was eventually awarded to Ogilvy and Mather. The contact report made no mention of the incident. “Client was appreciative of the effort the agency clearly made on His behalf, but Client wondered if the Client’s needs demanded an agency of a more established nature.”
    Everyone at GDM agreed that God would have made a terrible client. Very P&G.
    Procter & Gamble. A notoriously difficult client.
    â€œLet’s just focus on the Nike pitch,” said Deutsch.
    A few days later, Goldsmith called the team into his office. A producer in L.A. owed him a favor and he held in his hand the Ogilvy rough cut of God’s new commercial.
    We open on God in a field, He’s making the flowers bloom! We cut to God in a forest, making the birds sing! We cut to God in a hospital, bringing babies into the world!
    They’re all the same.

Smite the Heathens, Charlie Brown
    C HARLIE B ROWN , walking down the street.
    He is wearing his baseball cap and is smiling.
    He meets Linus.
    Charlie Brown says: There’s something magical about the very first baseball game of the season.
    Linus says, “Schulz died last night.”
    â€œGood grief,” says Charlie Brown.
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    L INUS and Charlie Brown, walking down the street.
    Linus says, “Last night someone spray-painted a giant pumpkin on our front door.”
    Linus says, “This morning I prayed to the Great Pumpkin to protect us from the rioting Schulzians.”
    Charlie Brown asks, “How’s Lucy taking it?”
    Lucy strolls over.
    â€œNEVER AGAIN!” she shouts, flipping the boys upside down.
    Linus says, “Personally.”
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    C HARLIE B ROWN , sitting in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.
    Sally asks, “Are we Schulzian or Pumpkinite?”
    Charlie Brown says, “We’re Schulzian.”
    Charlie Brown says, “Schulzians believe in a Creator who writes and draws us every single day …”
    Charlie Brown says, “… while Pumpkinites, like Linus and Lucy, believe in the Great Pumpkin who flies around and rewards his believers on Halloween.”
    Charlie Brown says, “But ultimately, belief should be a personal choice.”
    â€œWhich one gets more vacation?” asks Sally.
    Charlie Brown rolls his eyes.
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    C HARLIE B ROWN and Linus, standing behind the old stone wall.
    Linus ducks.
    Snoopy and Woodstock stroll over. Snoopy wears a beret and carries a rifle on his shoulder. Snoopy’s shirt reads: SCHULZ IS THE LORD .
    Snoopy and Woodstock