was, it
was clear that we were both taking stock of what just happened. I doubted very much
that was the first time he’d ever come having sex with a woman, but I certainly
wasn’t going to admit that was the first time for me. I knew my expression was
partly because of that, but looking at him with the passion now gone, knowing
that I had literally just poured everything out on him, I was mortified. I felt
so exposed, and I had nowhere to hide. I couldn’t even hide behind the haze of
alcohol.
I stumbled off of him and started grabbing at my clothes, hastily
putting them on.
“Stephanie?”
I looked over my shoulder to regard him still sitting on the couch, my
juices all over him, then sniffled, and used the back of my arm to try to wipe
some of the snot off of my face while I tried to dress. With drunken sex, I
never had to face the reality until the morning after. But this, this was
staring me right in the face, literally.
“Stephanie?” he asked again, a little more insistently.
“Dr. Rosenberg” I started to say.
“Jesus fucking Christ, my name is Brad. And after what we just did, it
would be nice if you could call me that.”
I took a long look at him and just shook my head and rolled my eyes. I
couldn’t allow myself to believe that I could possibly hurt this man’s
feelings. Men didn’t feel. Not like women did. And even if they did, Dr.
Rosenberg wasn’t one of those men. He couldn’t be. So I chose to chalk his tone
up to him being a jerk and me being a fool. I’m not sure what it was that
attracted me to him, but whatever it was would have to be over and done with.
He was toxic. He was bad for me. What we were doing was wrong. And for the
first time ever, I finally felt connected to a man I’d just fucked.
CHAPTER 10
Neither Barb nor I realized that the chemo was cumulative, so with each
session, her side effects were that much worse. She was so weak, so fatigued,
so sick feeling that she could barely get out of bed. My routine taking care of
her, her animals and her house continued. It no longer felt temporary. It
became my new normal. And I was feeling more and more like I was hanging on by
just a thread. I had no emotional or physical reserves and thought that Marty
wasn’t far off. One strong wind and I just might crumple.
I suppose it was good that once again, I didn’t have a moment to really
think about much anything, because whenever I did have the tiniest bit of time
to let my mind wander, it drifted back to what I’d done with Dr. Rosenberg and
how amazing it felt. I don’t know if it was because of my fragility due to my
mom’s disease, I’m sure that must have had something to do with the fact that
I’d finally let some of my walls down. What I couldn’t figure out was why the
hell I would let them down with someone like him. Then again, Marty had started
softening me up too and perhaps I’d simply made the mistake to open myself up
to someone like Dr. Rosenberg instead of someone safe like Marty.
While this week was Barb’s week off from chemo, she had to go back to
the hospital to get her drain internalized. Once again, we were back at the
hospital, answering the same questions, even seeing some familiar faces. As I’d
guessed earlier, this type of familiarity wasn’t comforting. And what was
supposed to be an outpatient procedure turned into admitting my mother once
again due to complications. Apparently, while removing the drain, they nicked
her hepatic artery. It sounded like a bad joke but the crusted blood that was
still on parts of her arm and gown made it clear, this was no joke.
She was still groggy as we were getting her settled yet again in a
hospital room when Dr. Rosenberg stopped in.
“Stephanie.” He acknowledged me coolly. No matter, the flush in my
cheeks was enough to warm the entire room. I hated that with him, I was unable
to hide my surprise and embarrassment. I didn’t expect to see him here.
“I heard about what happened while I
was clear that we were both taking stock of what just happened. I doubted very much
that was the first time he’d ever come having sex with a woman, but I certainly
wasn’t going to admit that was the first time for me. I knew my expression was
partly because of that, but looking at him with the passion now gone, knowing
that I had literally just poured everything out on him, I was mortified. I felt
so exposed, and I had nowhere to hide. I couldn’t even hide behind the haze of
alcohol.
I stumbled off of him and started grabbing at my clothes, hastily
putting them on.
“Stephanie?”
I looked over my shoulder to regard him still sitting on the couch, my
juices all over him, then sniffled, and used the back of my arm to try to wipe
some of the snot off of my face while I tried to dress. With drunken sex, I
never had to face the reality until the morning after. But this, this was
staring me right in the face, literally.
“Stephanie?” he asked again, a little more insistently.
“Dr. Rosenberg” I started to say.
“Jesus fucking Christ, my name is Brad. And after what we just did, it
would be nice if you could call me that.”
I took a long look at him and just shook my head and rolled my eyes. I
couldn’t allow myself to believe that I could possibly hurt this man’s
feelings. Men didn’t feel. Not like women did. And even if they did, Dr.
Rosenberg wasn’t one of those men. He couldn’t be. So I chose to chalk his tone
up to him being a jerk and me being a fool. I’m not sure what it was that
attracted me to him, but whatever it was would have to be over and done with.
He was toxic. He was bad for me. What we were doing was wrong. And for the
first time ever, I finally felt connected to a man I’d just fucked.
CHAPTER 10
Neither Barb nor I realized that the chemo was cumulative, so with each
session, her side effects were that much worse. She was so weak, so fatigued,
so sick feeling that she could barely get out of bed. My routine taking care of
her, her animals and her house continued. It no longer felt temporary. It
became my new normal. And I was feeling more and more like I was hanging on by
just a thread. I had no emotional or physical reserves and thought that Marty
wasn’t far off. One strong wind and I just might crumple.
I suppose it was good that once again, I didn’t have a moment to really
think about much anything, because whenever I did have the tiniest bit of time
to let my mind wander, it drifted back to what I’d done with Dr. Rosenberg and
how amazing it felt. I don’t know if it was because of my fragility due to my
mom’s disease, I’m sure that must have had something to do with the fact that
I’d finally let some of my walls down. What I couldn’t figure out was why the
hell I would let them down with someone like him. Then again, Marty had started
softening me up too and perhaps I’d simply made the mistake to open myself up
to someone like Dr. Rosenberg instead of someone safe like Marty.
While this week was Barb’s week off from chemo, she had to go back to
the hospital to get her drain internalized. Once again, we were back at the
hospital, answering the same questions, even seeing some familiar faces. As I’d
guessed earlier, this type of familiarity wasn’t comforting. And what was
supposed to be an outpatient procedure turned into admitting my mother once
again due to complications. Apparently, while removing the drain, they nicked
her hepatic artery. It sounded like a bad joke but the crusted blood that was
still on parts of her arm and gown made it clear, this was no joke.
She was still groggy as we were getting her settled yet again in a
hospital room when Dr. Rosenberg stopped in.
“Stephanie.” He acknowledged me coolly. No matter, the flush in my
cheeks was enough to warm the entire room. I hated that with him, I was unable
to hide my surprise and embarrassment. I didn’t expect to see him here.
“I heard about what happened while I
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