many entries are like looking in a mirror. I recognize her in how I react to things, which isn’t surprising, I suppose. Kids are little sponges and sop up whatever’s around. My model for adulthood, like Derek’s broken one, sucked. But maybe by understanding that, I can create a different future. That’s my hope. My present is already way different.
I resolve to be open with Derek about everything. If something’s bothering me, I won’t bottle it up and let the negative voice work at me, pumping venom into my veins, ruining the good. The diary is a manual for how not to live, and I realize why my dad gave it to me. He wanted me to see that my mom really did love me, and understand the distortions in her thinking.
Because I’m really good at distorting things, too.
I’m running out the door when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I fumble it out. It’s Derek.
“Well? What’s the word?” I ask.
“It was negative.”
I stop, frozen in place. I feel light-headed, like I could float into the sky and keep going until I reach the moon.
“They’re sure?”
“Absolutely. He’s not my son.”
“How do you feel?”
“Honestly? Relieved. But sad, too.”
“Sad?”
“Yeah. For Jason. And a little bit for Lisa. I mean, now he doesn’t have a father, and she’s out of luck. It’s a lousy situation for them.”
My heart swells as he speaks. I don’t point out that she’s a lying whore who tried to trap him. I don’t have to. Fight the battles that need to be fought, not the ones you’ve won.
“It is lousy. But what’s most important is that you know the truth and can have your life back.”
“That’s the relief part.”
“How did she react?”
“How do you think?”
We’re both quiet. Eventually he exhales, and I hear his footsteps in the background. “Where are you?” I ask.
“Oh. Walking back to my place. I blew off rehearsal tonight. My throat’s a little raspy. I think I may be coming down with something.”
“That blows. What’s Lisa going to do now that her meal ticket’s gone?”
His voice is soft when he speaks, and I can hear the tension in it. “Promise you’re not going to be pissed.”
“You know that almost guarantees I’ll have a right to be…”
“Yeah, I know. I gave her some money to get back to California. And I promised I’d pay for a private detective to find Jason’s father, if that’s what she wants.”
I blink a few times in confusion. “Why would you do that?”
“Because Jason deserves to have a father. Or at least to have a chance to have one – there’s no guarantee that whoever the guy is will want to have anything to do with him.”
I don’t say anything, remembering Derek’s background. For some reason a hokey sign I used to see every day at Peaches & Cream springs to mind, about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. It’s his money. If he wants to be generous with it and try to help another fatherless kid, I should be happy he’s a good man, not angry.
Which is all fine and good, but takes every bit of self-control I have.
“When does she leave?” I ask. At least there’s a positive in all this. No more Lisa to worry about – not that I doubted Derek. I just don’t trust her, obviously for good reason.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Derek, I know this has been hard. But I want to tell you that you’ve been honorable all the way through, and it makes me really proud of you.”
“I don’t feel all that honorable.”
“Maybe being good isn’t as easy as everyone pretends.”
“You got that right.”
“Derek?”
I can hear him breathing on the line, three thousand miles away. “Sage?”
“Fly here as soon as you can. I want to celebrate, and what I have in mind only works if you’re with me.”
“I’m working on it.”
I blink back tears of relief – and something else – and wipe my face with the back of my hand. I sniff, and my voice is thick when I say the next words.
“Work harder.”
Chapter
I resolve to be open with Derek about everything. If something’s bothering me, I won’t bottle it up and let the negative voice work at me, pumping venom into my veins, ruining the good. The diary is a manual for how not to live, and I realize why my dad gave it to me. He wanted me to see that my mom really did love me, and understand the distortions in her thinking.
Because I’m really good at distorting things, too.
I’m running out the door when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I fumble it out. It’s Derek.
“Well? What’s the word?” I ask.
“It was negative.”
I stop, frozen in place. I feel light-headed, like I could float into the sky and keep going until I reach the moon.
“They’re sure?”
“Absolutely. He’s not my son.”
“How do you feel?”
“Honestly? Relieved. But sad, too.”
“Sad?”
“Yeah. For Jason. And a little bit for Lisa. I mean, now he doesn’t have a father, and she’s out of luck. It’s a lousy situation for them.”
My heart swells as he speaks. I don’t point out that she’s a lying whore who tried to trap him. I don’t have to. Fight the battles that need to be fought, not the ones you’ve won.
“It is lousy. But what’s most important is that you know the truth and can have your life back.”
“That’s the relief part.”
“How did she react?”
“How do you think?”
We’re both quiet. Eventually he exhales, and I hear his footsteps in the background. “Where are you?” I ask.
“Oh. Walking back to my place. I blew off rehearsal tonight. My throat’s a little raspy. I think I may be coming down with something.”
“That blows. What’s Lisa going to do now that her meal ticket’s gone?”
His voice is soft when he speaks, and I can hear the tension in it. “Promise you’re not going to be pissed.”
“You know that almost guarantees I’ll have a right to be…”
“Yeah, I know. I gave her some money to get back to California. And I promised I’d pay for a private detective to find Jason’s father, if that’s what she wants.”
I blink a few times in confusion. “Why would you do that?”
“Because Jason deserves to have a father. Or at least to have a chance to have one – there’s no guarantee that whoever the guy is will want to have anything to do with him.”
I don’t say anything, remembering Derek’s background. For some reason a hokey sign I used to see every day at Peaches & Cream springs to mind, about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. It’s his money. If he wants to be generous with it and try to help another fatherless kid, I should be happy he’s a good man, not angry.
Which is all fine and good, but takes every bit of self-control I have.
“When does she leave?” I ask. At least there’s a positive in all this. No more Lisa to worry about – not that I doubted Derek. I just don’t trust her, obviously for good reason.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Derek, I know this has been hard. But I want to tell you that you’ve been honorable all the way through, and it makes me really proud of you.”
“I don’t feel all that honorable.”
“Maybe being good isn’t as easy as everyone pretends.”
“You got that right.”
“Derek?”
I can hear him breathing on the line, three thousand miles away. “Sage?”
“Fly here as soon as you can. I want to celebrate, and what I have in mind only works if you’re with me.”
“I’m working on it.”
I blink back tears of relief – and something else – and wipe my face with the back of my hand. I sniff, and my voice is thick when I say the next words.
“Work harder.”
Chapter
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