force you I came so close to leaving you, so fucking close. You have no bloody idea what rape feels like, and for you to fantasise about it made me want to scream at you. It’s my fault for not telling you, but how can I without upsetting you? Do you want me to tell you I think you’re perverted? I don’t think so. It’s just better to shut up, because at least I hurt you less this way.
“ Ash... ” she drew out his name, like she was exasperated with him. “You’re doin’ it again. Stop holding things in. It’s not good for either of us. How ’bout you blurt it out like you said you used to, just get it over and done with, like ripping off a plaster.”
“It won’t make things better,” nothing can do that.
“Why not?”
“Please, Beth, just quit it.”
“No! I’ve had enough. You tell me now or I’m leaving.”
He knew she meant it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her outright. He looked down at his feet, wondering whether he could possibly word it in a way without actually saying he was raped. He could maybe tell her that his stepfather had dropped a roofie into his beer, then maybe she would understand and back off, because most people knew what that drug was used for. He went to open his mouth, but got shoved onto the bed, the top of his sore head coming into contact with the wall. Consumed by the jolt of pain, he turned onto his side and cradled it.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Beth said, her voice dripping with disbelief. “Look at me.” She climbed on top of him, and tried to push him onto his back.
“Stoppit.”
“No, I’ve had a gutful of your brooding.”
He let go of his head and grabbed her around the waist to move her off him.
“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, slapping him across the cheek.
Ash let go, too shocked to do anything else.
She started crying. “I needa know, so tell me what you’re hiding, cos I can’t handle this anymore.” She screwed up her face, like she thought he was never going to tell her, but for the first time he actually wanted to, well, not wanted —but needed to, because right at that moment he realised he’d hurt her more by keeping things a secret.
“I’m sorry, I—”
She cut him off before he could explain what had happened to him. “I don’t care if you’re sorry cos you don’t mean it.”
“I do—”
“Shut up, just shut up! You’re a liar! Cos if you did mean it you wouldn’t do exactly the same thing over and over again. I hate it, cos it makes me feel like nuthin’. God, even Dante cares more ’bout me than you do. I should’ve asked him out, cos at least he makes love to me like he cares.”
“What?” Ash said, not sure if he’d heard right.
Beth’s face dropped. “That didn’t come out right,” she said, getting off him.
He pushed to his feet. “Did you just say you fucked Dante?”
She shook her head.
“You said he makes love to you.”
“It wuz one time, an accident.”
Ash went silent, completely speechless.
“We didn’t mean for it to happen,” she said, her soft voice snapping Ash out of his dumbstruck state.
“So, his cock accidentally slipped into your pussy?”
She shook her head vigorously, her expression scared.
“When?” He paused, waiting for an answer. “When?!”
“After you left for work today, we got into a fight. We did and said things without thinking.”
Ash put his hands to his head, wanting to scream at her. His brother? His own fucking brother! “How could you do that?” How could Dante do that? “You hate him. You’re nasty to him. Why would you...” All his thoughts rushed his mind at once, battling each other to make sense of things. She always dropped everything to pick Dante up, got whiny when Dante had women around... “You’ve always wanted him, haven’t ya?” He ploughed ahead before she could answer. “Didja think of him while we were fucking?”
Again, she shook her head vigorously.
“Bullshit, I betcha chose me
“ Ash... ” she drew out his name, like she was exasperated with him. “You’re doin’ it again. Stop holding things in. It’s not good for either of us. How ’bout you blurt it out like you said you used to, just get it over and done with, like ripping off a plaster.”
“It won’t make things better,” nothing can do that.
“Why not?”
“Please, Beth, just quit it.”
“No! I’ve had enough. You tell me now or I’m leaving.”
He knew she meant it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her outright. He looked down at his feet, wondering whether he could possibly word it in a way without actually saying he was raped. He could maybe tell her that his stepfather had dropped a roofie into his beer, then maybe she would understand and back off, because most people knew what that drug was used for. He went to open his mouth, but got shoved onto the bed, the top of his sore head coming into contact with the wall. Consumed by the jolt of pain, he turned onto his side and cradled it.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Beth said, her voice dripping with disbelief. “Look at me.” She climbed on top of him, and tried to push him onto his back.
“Stoppit.”
“No, I’ve had a gutful of your brooding.”
He let go of his head and grabbed her around the waist to move her off him.
“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, slapping him across the cheek.
Ash let go, too shocked to do anything else.
She started crying. “I needa know, so tell me what you’re hiding, cos I can’t handle this anymore.” She screwed up her face, like she thought he was never going to tell her, but for the first time he actually wanted to, well, not wanted —but needed to, because right at that moment he realised he’d hurt her more by keeping things a secret.
“I’m sorry, I—”
She cut him off before he could explain what had happened to him. “I don’t care if you’re sorry cos you don’t mean it.”
“I do—”
“Shut up, just shut up! You’re a liar! Cos if you did mean it you wouldn’t do exactly the same thing over and over again. I hate it, cos it makes me feel like nuthin’. God, even Dante cares more ’bout me than you do. I should’ve asked him out, cos at least he makes love to me like he cares.”
“What?” Ash said, not sure if he’d heard right.
Beth’s face dropped. “That didn’t come out right,” she said, getting off him.
He pushed to his feet. “Did you just say you fucked Dante?”
She shook her head.
“You said he makes love to you.”
“It wuz one time, an accident.”
Ash went silent, completely speechless.
“We didn’t mean for it to happen,” she said, her soft voice snapping Ash out of his dumbstruck state.
“So, his cock accidentally slipped into your pussy?”
She shook her head vigorously, her expression scared.
“When?” He paused, waiting for an answer. “When?!”
“After you left for work today, we got into a fight. We did and said things without thinking.”
Ash put his hands to his head, wanting to scream at her. His brother? His own fucking brother! “How could you do that?” How could Dante do that? “You hate him. You’re nasty to him. Why would you...” All his thoughts rushed his mind at once, battling each other to make sense of things. She always dropped everything to pick Dante up, got whiny when Dante had women around... “You’ve always wanted him, haven’t ya?” He ploughed ahead before she could answer. “Didja think of him while we were fucking?”
Again, she shook her head vigorously.
“Bullshit, I betcha chose me
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