glanced down at himself, finding himself dressed.
“A dream,” and one he had far too often. He looked back up at Beth, who hadn’t budged. She was standing stock-still like she was afraid to move, then as though someone had flicked on a switch she touched her eye.
His gaze followed the movement. “Did I hurt you?” he said, not sure what he’d done while dreaming.
“It’s nuthin’.”
He switched on the light then pushed off the bed. He took a hold of Beth’s hand and lowered it, horrified to see her reddened eye. “Oh, Beth, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He leaned in and kissed it gently, feeling awful when she flinched. “I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“It’s no less painful whether you do it on purpose or by accident.”
“I-I wuz having a nightmare.”
She appeared sad. “I’m not talking ’bout my eye. Why do you ignore me, Ash? You just walked out this morning as though I wuzn’t even there.”
“I’m sorry, I wuz upset over what happened at the parole hearing.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me that earlier? And it’s not just this morning either. You ignore me when I ask you questions, only giving me titbits of info when you feel like it. You’re purposely shutting me out and it hurts.”
Ash grimaced, knowing it was true.
She sighed. “I love you, but I can’t take this anymore. Please gimme sumpthin’ that shows you care ’bout me, that you want me to stay. I understand you don’t wanna get married, but I’m not asking that, just ... I want to feel like I’m your lover, not a nuisance.”
He looked down, wondering whether he should tell her about Chaz—the full story, not the abridged version. But, admitting to being raped wasn’t easy. In the past he was afraid to tell people because he thought they might think he was gay. Although he no longer believed that, it was still something he didn’t want to talk about, because pity was just as suffocating as his face being pushed into a pillow.
“You gonna say sumpthin’ or do you want me to leave?” she said, her expression worried.
He sat down on the bed and put his hands to his head. “Sometimes it’s just easier not to talk. I used to blurt things out without thinking, which did more damage than good. I hurt people’s feelings cos of it, which is why I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself.”
“But, it hurts me when you tell me nuthin’. Partners are s’posed to know things ’bout the person they love, whether good or bad, but you’re even more of a mystery now than when we first met. Please ... I want a normal relationship with you, and to be able to touch you without you lashing out at me.”
“I thought you were my stepfather.”
“It’s been ten years since Chaz beat you up, you hafta stop letting your memories mess with your life.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Maybe if you didn’t bottle things up all of the time you might be able handle things better. Talk to me, confide in me, lemme take some of the load offa you. I love you and wanna help.”
“I thought I wuz handling things.”
She touched her eye. “Does this look like it?”
He pulled a face. “You’re making me feel like shit.”
“I’m just stating facts, and everyone else may see the big tough Ash Rata, but I see a scared boy.”
“I’m not scared,” he said, getting wound up.
“Yes, you are, you looked terrified when you swung out at me.”
“For Christ’s sake, don’t say it like that, I thought you were Chaz.”
“You don’t hafta keep telling me that, and even if Chaz were here now, you’re big, you could take him on easily. Think that, cos you could pound him to nuthin’.”
“You don’t understand.” I’m never big in my dreams, I’m always fifteen.
“Then explain it to me.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“Why?”
Because it hurts too much and you won’t understand, no one can unless they’ve had it happen to them. And you... Christ, when you asked me to
“A dream,” and one he had far too often. He looked back up at Beth, who hadn’t budged. She was standing stock-still like she was afraid to move, then as though someone had flicked on a switch she touched her eye.
His gaze followed the movement. “Did I hurt you?” he said, not sure what he’d done while dreaming.
“It’s nuthin’.”
He switched on the light then pushed off the bed. He took a hold of Beth’s hand and lowered it, horrified to see her reddened eye. “Oh, Beth, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He leaned in and kissed it gently, feeling awful when she flinched. “I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“It’s no less painful whether you do it on purpose or by accident.”
“I-I wuz having a nightmare.”
She appeared sad. “I’m not talking ’bout my eye. Why do you ignore me, Ash? You just walked out this morning as though I wuzn’t even there.”
“I’m sorry, I wuz upset over what happened at the parole hearing.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me that earlier? And it’s not just this morning either. You ignore me when I ask you questions, only giving me titbits of info when you feel like it. You’re purposely shutting me out and it hurts.”
Ash grimaced, knowing it was true.
She sighed. “I love you, but I can’t take this anymore. Please gimme sumpthin’ that shows you care ’bout me, that you want me to stay. I understand you don’t wanna get married, but I’m not asking that, just ... I want to feel like I’m your lover, not a nuisance.”
He looked down, wondering whether he should tell her about Chaz—the full story, not the abridged version. But, admitting to being raped wasn’t easy. In the past he was afraid to tell people because he thought they might think he was gay. Although he no longer believed that, it was still something he didn’t want to talk about, because pity was just as suffocating as his face being pushed into a pillow.
“You gonna say sumpthin’ or do you want me to leave?” she said, her expression worried.
He sat down on the bed and put his hands to his head. “Sometimes it’s just easier not to talk. I used to blurt things out without thinking, which did more damage than good. I hurt people’s feelings cos of it, which is why I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself.”
“But, it hurts me when you tell me nuthin’. Partners are s’posed to know things ’bout the person they love, whether good or bad, but you’re even more of a mystery now than when we first met. Please ... I want a normal relationship with you, and to be able to touch you without you lashing out at me.”
“I thought you were my stepfather.”
“It’s been ten years since Chaz beat you up, you hafta stop letting your memories mess with your life.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Maybe if you didn’t bottle things up all of the time you might be able handle things better. Talk to me, confide in me, lemme take some of the load offa you. I love you and wanna help.”
“I thought I wuz handling things.”
She touched her eye. “Does this look like it?”
He pulled a face. “You’re making me feel like shit.”
“I’m just stating facts, and everyone else may see the big tough Ash Rata, but I see a scared boy.”
“I’m not scared,” he said, getting wound up.
“Yes, you are, you looked terrified when you swung out at me.”
“For Christ’s sake, don’t say it like that, I thought you were Chaz.”
“You don’t hafta keep telling me that, and even if Chaz were here now, you’re big, you could take him on easily. Think that, cos you could pound him to nuthin’.”
“You don’t understand.” I’m never big in my dreams, I’m always fifteen.
“Then explain it to me.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“Why?”
Because it hurts too much and you won’t understand, no one can unless they’ve had it happen to them. And you... Christ, when you asked me to
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