them pleasure; for that one moment in time I was capable of bringing someone happiness. But I could never really feel fulfilled and the hole in my soul just grew larger each time.”
“It sounds like you were reenacting your trauma hoping you can get something different from the experience. You were afraid to talk about your trauma, so you told your story through your actions, but nobody ever saw it, did they? People are quicker to judge someone’s actions than to try figure out what’s causing them. So nobody heard your pleas for help through your reckless behavior.”
“No one before Liam, he saw through my façade from the beginning. It scared me that he might really find out the truth and leave , but it delighted me that I didn’t have to pretend to be normal.”
“You are normal Isabella, you just got pulled into an abnormal situation. Coming here and talking about your past is the first step towards healing the guilt and fear that makes you feel abnormal.”
“ Opening up has always been a problem for me.”
“ It’s a problem for most victims of sexual abuse. Have you ever read Macbeth ?”
I nod my head . “In college.”
“There’s a part where Malcolm says ‘ Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn’t speak- ’”
“ Whispers the o’er fraught heart, and bids it break, ” I finish.
“You know it?” he asks. I nod my head and he continues, “The grief you don’t talk about will build softly in your heart until it bids it to break, Isabella.”
The grief has already broken it, ten times over.
I glance at the clock and realize we ran over our time, I begin to gather my things but he stops me before leaving the room. “One last thing Isabella, I think it would be wise for you to abstain from sex for a while.”
“No. A bsolutely not. Cayden, the sex I have with Liam is totally different.” I suddenly feel nervous and fidgety. I’m willing to work on dealing with my past to be with Liam, but I can’t imagine being in the same room as him and not being able to touch him and taste him.
“How is it different?”
“When I’m with Liam I’m not searching for happiness through sex. He is my happiness and I share my body with him. I don’t take what I need and leave. What I do with Liam can’t even be compared to the empty sex I had before him. When I’m with him I’m not trying to chase away the past. When I’m with him all I see is future possibilities.”
“I still advise a period of abstinence. The choice is yours and I hope you take my advice.”
I l eave his office thinking how very unlikely that will be.
On Saturday morning Gabby texts me, asking me to meet her for lunch at a local bar. I was that glad she was making the effort to reach out to me. I’m actually excited when I walk in and see Gabby waiting for me at the bar. She waves at me as I walk towards her. I slip into the stool next to her and order a martini.
“I got us a table,” she says , pointing towards the back of the room. As soon as the bartender places my drink down we head to our table. We decide to order a sampler platter and share. We settle in to a natural conversation and I’m relieved because I was sure this would be awkward.
“So what was Liam like in college?”
Her smile widens and she answers with one word, “Man-whore.” She shakes her head at the memory. “He was pretty horrible. I’m not even sure how we became friends. We were lab partners and afterwards I think the only reason he still talked to me was because he thought I would sleep with him.”
“Oh…Okay ...And did you?”
“No, you can take that panicked look off your face. We’re both glad that never h appened. If it had, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be friends now because before you his women didn’t stick around for long.” The waiter appears and places a platter in the middle of the table.
“Yeah , but it looks like I didn’t last that long either.” I hate to admit it but it’s been
“It sounds like you were reenacting your trauma hoping you can get something different from the experience. You were afraid to talk about your trauma, so you told your story through your actions, but nobody ever saw it, did they? People are quicker to judge someone’s actions than to try figure out what’s causing them. So nobody heard your pleas for help through your reckless behavior.”
“No one before Liam, he saw through my façade from the beginning. It scared me that he might really find out the truth and leave , but it delighted me that I didn’t have to pretend to be normal.”
“You are normal Isabella, you just got pulled into an abnormal situation. Coming here and talking about your past is the first step towards healing the guilt and fear that makes you feel abnormal.”
“ Opening up has always been a problem for me.”
“ It’s a problem for most victims of sexual abuse. Have you ever read Macbeth ?”
I nod my head . “In college.”
“There’s a part where Malcolm says ‘ Give sorrow words; the grief that doesn’t speak- ’”
“ Whispers the o’er fraught heart, and bids it break, ” I finish.
“You know it?” he asks. I nod my head and he continues, “The grief you don’t talk about will build softly in your heart until it bids it to break, Isabella.”
The grief has already broken it, ten times over.
I glance at the clock and realize we ran over our time, I begin to gather my things but he stops me before leaving the room. “One last thing Isabella, I think it would be wise for you to abstain from sex for a while.”
“No. A bsolutely not. Cayden, the sex I have with Liam is totally different.” I suddenly feel nervous and fidgety. I’m willing to work on dealing with my past to be with Liam, but I can’t imagine being in the same room as him and not being able to touch him and taste him.
“How is it different?”
“When I’m with Liam I’m not searching for happiness through sex. He is my happiness and I share my body with him. I don’t take what I need and leave. What I do with Liam can’t even be compared to the empty sex I had before him. When I’m with him I’m not trying to chase away the past. When I’m with him all I see is future possibilities.”
“I still advise a period of abstinence. The choice is yours and I hope you take my advice.”
I l eave his office thinking how very unlikely that will be.
On Saturday morning Gabby texts me, asking me to meet her for lunch at a local bar. I was that glad she was making the effort to reach out to me. I’m actually excited when I walk in and see Gabby waiting for me at the bar. She waves at me as I walk towards her. I slip into the stool next to her and order a martini.
“I got us a table,” she says , pointing towards the back of the room. As soon as the bartender places my drink down we head to our table. We decide to order a sampler platter and share. We settle in to a natural conversation and I’m relieved because I was sure this would be awkward.
“So what was Liam like in college?”
Her smile widens and she answers with one word, “Man-whore.” She shakes her head at the memory. “He was pretty horrible. I’m not even sure how we became friends. We were lab partners and afterwards I think the only reason he still talked to me was because he thought I would sleep with him.”
“Oh…Okay ...And did you?”
“No, you can take that panicked look off your face. We’re both glad that never h appened. If it had, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be friends now because before you his women didn’t stick around for long.” The waiter appears and places a platter in the middle of the table.
“Yeah , but it looks like I didn’t last that long either.” I hate to admit it but it’s been
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