Beautiful Monster by Kate McCaffrey Page B

looks at herself in the mirror. Her makeup is still flawless. She applies lip gloss, checks her teeth for food. What food? The voice in her head is approving: You did good—ate nothing.
    â€˜Maybe thirty calories,’ she says aloud and is startled to see Sharla behind her.
    â€˜Beautiful dress,’ Sharla says.
    â€˜Yeah, it’s my mum’s.’ Tess feels awkward.
    â€˜Have you seen the back?’ Sharla asks.
    Tess shakes her head. Her arse is nothing to be proud of.
    â€˜You’re so thin, Tess. I never realised until tonight.’ Sharla puts her hand on Tess’s spine. ‘Your bones are sticking out.’
    Tess frowns and stares at Sharla—why is she lying to her? ‘No, they’re not.’
    â€˜Look.’ Sharla turns her sideways. ‘See? They’re your bones.’
    She sees a white back, intersected by bony lines, which slowly she realises are ribs. Her ribs. Vertebrae stick out. It looks like a fish spine. It’s all angles and hollows. Bumps. Dips. Gaps. That’s not her back.
    â€˜Tess, have you got a problem?’ Sharla says gently.
    Tess shakes her head. That couldn’t be her back. Her back does not look like that. She turns to the mirror again. No, it doesn’t look like that at all now. It’s flat and smooth, and near her thick waistline she sees a roll of fat. Her large, soft, white back. She shudders in disgust. There are no hollows, no bumps—that was just a trick of the light.
    â€˜No, I don’t. I’m fine.’

PART THREE

Chapter 10
    Tess stares blankly at the monitor. The colourful bubbles bounce across the screen; her hand sits limply next to the mouse. Is it possible for her brain to ache? Like her abs do after a hard workout at the gym? E=mc2. What does it mean? Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. What does the speed of light have to do with anything? She doesn’t understand it. The whole concept of physics eludes her. Why has she persevered with it for two years? She must be crazy—typically, unable to accept defeat. Determined to prove she can do anything.
    â€˜Always think you can be the best.’ The sound of his voice jolts her. She looks around fearfully. Of course, there’s no one there. She’s alone—as usual.
    Ned.
    It’s been so long since she thought of him. Not since she got out of hospital and trained her brain to forget him. Forget the hurt. His betrayal.
    She shudders violently, terrified by the memories that threaten to overwhelm her. She can’t go back to that place—the darkness she clawed her way out of. She gets up quickly from her desk. Studying for such long hours is bad for her. She needs a break.
    Outside her mother is planting petunias, a wide straw hat sheltering her face.
    â€˜Hi,’ Tess calls. Her mum looks up, startled from her own thoughts.
    â€˜Finished?’ Annelise says, brushing soil from her hands.
    â€˜No, feels like it will never finish.’ Tess tries to sound lighter than she feels. ‘Just need a break. Going for a jog.’
    She whistles Nero, who bounds towards her, and waves to Mrs Olsen as she passes through the gate.
    Around the lake she keeps a steady pace; she is over those days of crazed exercising. Now she does it for enjoyment, relaxation and to stay fit. But not thin—she still occasionally has to remind herself. She jogs slowly, feels her muscles begin to warm. Thinking about Ned has really shaken her confidence. She thought she was so far past him. Over the last two years she’s considered him dead. He was, after all, the one who abandoned her. Left her to deal with it all by herself. But now it feels like something bad is about to happen. She can’t ignore it. She’s convinced he’s come back, for her.
    She feels chilled, even though winter is almost over and the bite has gone out of the weather. She notices her hands are shaking. Her fingernails are blue.
    She