Bang: Memoirs of a Relationship Assassin by David Wailing

the sort of man who’d worked hard his whole life. Shame about the comb-over. But I shook his callused hand warmly.
    “So you work with Becky, do you John?” Her Mum bumbled around the kitchen, smiling at me while she put away baked beans and tinfoil. “What do you do there, you’re not a receptionist are you, I know they do have men receptionists at that place, suppose that’s all very modern isn’t it, is that what you do or…?”
    “No no, I’m er… I’m in Human Resources. Actually I’m sort of Becky’s boss.”
    “You – ” Becky caught herself. “ – are in a way, I suppose.”
    “Give her a payrise, would you?” said her Dad. “Do my wallet a favour!”
    I laughed good-naturedly. “Wish it was up to me, give myself a payrise as well!”
    Her Mum beamed. “Well, I hope she’s doing a good job there for you.”
    “Oh yes, we’re very happy with young Ms Hargreaves.” I stuck my hands in my pockets, enjoying myself a bit now. “She’s very welcoming. Always puts herself out for visitors.”
    Vicious look from Becky. Innocent eyebrows from me.
    “Well, that’s good to hear, although I have to say I do think she could make more of herself you know, I mean, she’s such a bright girl, she knows computers and everything, I’ve always thought she could get herself a proper career in something, you know, not just answering the phones all day long, she’s such a bright girl…”
    “Mum,” said Becky warningly.
    “Oh, I’m sure she’ll do well for herself,” I said. This was fun. Pretending to be John the courier pretending to be John from Human Resources. Undercover undercover. “It’s pretty easy to go places in our company. It’s like riding a bike, really. Just jump on and whoosh, ride it as hard as you can…”
    Becky suddenly leapt forwards, snatched the shopping away from her mother. “Mum, what are you doing here, it’s late, you don’t need to do all this, I can take care of it!”
    “Oh well, just thought I’d try and help out, love.” Like she’d been shooed out of her daughter’s kitchen a hundred times before. “I know you don’t have much time to yourself nowadays, what with work and everything, and getting ready for the wedding, I thought you’d be staying with Sajjan this weekend, is he coming round?”
    “No, he’s in…”
    I watched Becky realise that admitting her fiancé was in Birmingham while she’d brought a young man home might be too much to swallow, even for parents as gullible as hers. “Indoors. He’s at home tonight. I’m seeing him first thing tomorrow. We’re going to look for a reception hall.”
    Well done, I thought. Thinks on her feet. I like that.
    “Have you met Sajjan, John? Her fiancé? They’ve been engaged a while now. Lovely boy, he is. Indian, you know? But I have to say he’s lovely though, very friendly, very good to Rebecca, not like some of the boys she’s been out with…”
    “Mum!”
    “Well, I’m just saying. Sajjan is lovely. Going to be a Hindu wedding, that’s what he is you know, he’s what they call a Hindu.” Becky’s Mum pulled a face. “Shame it’s not going to be a normal wedding, you know, at a church, but I suppose if that’s what they want…”
    “Right, I’m sorry, I’m chucking you both out now,” said Becky firmly. “I have to call a cab for John.”
    “Need a lift, son?” said her Dad. “It’s no bother, where you heading?”
    “No, I’m good thanks, I’m miles away. And I can stick the cab on my expense account.”
    “Well, good to meet you.” He shook my hand again. Big smile. “Hope we’ll see you again soon.”
    “Oh yes, sure we’ll bump into you again John,” said her Mum, patting me on the arm as she gathered her things. “You look after yourself, hope you get home all right – ”
    “Bye.” Becky’s voice was iron.
    We stood there in her kitchen, looking at each other and listening to her parents let themselves out of the flat.
    I looked at my watch.