Baby Love by Rebecca Walker

ago she didn’t tell me I was a piece of shit and threaten to ruin the reputation it has taken fifteen years to build. With Glen nearby, I let her feel the baby in my womb, and put her ear to my stomach to hear his little sounds.
    It was sort of nice, in a strange, disturbing kind of way. It was sad to notice that I was happier to leave than I was to arrive. I know it sounds crazy, but I kept thinking about Marvin Gaye and how he was killed by his own father.
    As a mother-to-be, I feel I have to look at these feelings, no matter how far-fetched they may seem. My protective instinct is way up, and there’s no way I am going to ignore it. It is abundantly clear that between my mother and me, I am the only one focusing on what my baby needs.

July 20
    Feeling much better today. I woke up with that blissed-out, “I am pregnant woman, hear me roar” vibe. I must really be hitting the second trimester now. I feel the baby so much, his presence like a little glow in my belly. It’s way stronger than the quickening of a few weeks ago, that slight, supersubtle whisper of baby consciousness. Instead of the first hello, the first mutual acknowledgment of what exactly is going on here, now it’s like a whole conversation between us.
    I am having a baby!
    For lunch, Glen and I went to the French restaurant around the corner from the apartment. I am really showing now, and people everywhere we go look at me and smile and ask questions. There was a bit of a wait at the restaurant and the couple in front of us gave us their space in line. The woman said she remembered what it was like to be pregnant and hungry in a room full of other people eating.
    That is happening more and more, random women starting conversations about the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. I can tell by the way Glen shuts down when they approach that he finds it intrusive and strange, but I like it. It’s the first club I’ve unequivocally belonged to, and I understand tribalism much more as a result. The world really does become divided into the people who know this land and those who don’t.
    Over lunch Glen and I talked about the amnio, for which I have now missed three appointments. In my opinion, we’ve already done the pre-amnio blood-test version of the amnio, which came back normal, with no indication of Down’s or anything else, so why push it? The amnio would be a follow-up to that, a just-to-make-sure kind of thing, and we’d get to find out boy or girl. Glen says it is up to me. He doesn’t believe in a lot of tests, the whole cult of getting everything just because we can, just because it is available. In his opinion, the baby is healthy, and if it’s not, we’ll deal.
    I was into the amnio until I read about the one-in-three-hundred chance of miscarriage. No one I know has ever had a problem, but I just can’t get too excited about a huge needle that close to my baby. On the other hand, I have to be honest with myself about being able to care for a baby with special needs. I don’t think I can do it. And I definitely want to know ahead of time so that I can make an informed decision. On the third hand, I read that it is not unusual to get a false positive, and then you’re really in the wringer.
    After we ate, I got really, really tired and came home and went to sleep. I woke up still tired and with that run-down feeling that comes, I think, with a low red blood cell count. Sonam says that even though I am sick, I have to find a way to keep exercising, even if it is just a little. If I feel better tomorrow, I will go for a swim in the morning before I sit down to work.

July 21
    Speaking of work. I have no desire to do any. My mind just doesn’t have any sparkle, which I find alarming, since my job basically depends on sparkle.
    Went to a prenatal appointment at Dr. Lowen’s. I mentioned that after the hospital visit I am thinking even more about a home birth. She said, You know, you have to make sure you’ve got your priorities