in a curve.
The car plunged off a hundred-and-fifty-foot embankment. She and the kids were killed instantly. " He had to force out the next words. "I placed more importance on the safety of a horse than I did my own family. I've had to live with that ever since. " "Oh, Mr. Kendrick, I'm so sorry. "
BABY LOVE 85
Her voice rang with sincerity. That helped, somehow. For once, he didn't feel so horribly alone with the pain of remembering.
"Anyway, that's what I dream about, " he said hollowly. "I saw it all happen from the back of the trailer. The car suddenly fishtailing, then skidding sideways on the ice. The way it hung there for a moment at the edge of the cliff before it went over. " A burning sensation washed over his eyes. "I swear to God, to this day I think Susan turned to look at me. Just for a split second, you know? But in my nightmares, that split second lasts an eternity. All I can see is the terror on her face and that pleading look in her eyes. And in every dream, I try to reach them, only I feel as if I'm running through hip-deep molasses, and I never get there in time. "
"How awful for you. And then to relive it, over and over, in your dreams. "
Rafe ran his fingertips along the edge of the drawer. When he touched the corner of a new receiving blanket poking up over the side, he fingered the downy softness and closed his eyes.
"You know the worst part? Over the last few months, even in my dreams, it's gotten so I can no longer see her face clearly, or the kids' either. I try my best to remember how each of them looked, and I can't. My memories of them—they're all I have left—and now I'm even losing those. "
"Has it occurred to you that maybe you're finally healing? I know you may not want to believe that. But grief does pass after a time, and we have to get on with the business of living. Once you do that, I think you'll be able to remember their faces again. Not in nightmares anymore.
Your memories will be of all the wonderful times you had together. "
Rafe recalled his recent dream about Susan. In some ways, that had been a good dream.
Remembering the fun they'd had down by the lake. Believing, if only briefly, that he was actually back there with them.
"Deep down, do you still blame yourself as much as
86 CATHERINE ANDERSON
you did right after the wreck?" she asked.
He took a moment to consider the question. ''Truthfully? Sometimes traitorous thoughts creep in. " Even to admit that made him feel guilty. "I'm not even sure where they come from. I get to thinking how I never meant for it to happen. That I loved them more than life itself, and that it's stupid to go on blaming myself when I know damned well that Susan wouldn't want me to. " "And thinking that way makes you feel terrible, " she
inserted.
He focused on her face. "You sound as if you've been
through this. "
She nodded. For a second, Rafe thought she meant to say nothing more, but then she gestured limply with her hand and said, "My dad. He, um... he was killed in a logging accident. "
"And you blame yourself for that?"
"Not now, but I did for a long time. And when I finally started to turn loose of the guilt, I felt like a worm. "
The description caught him by surprise, and with a low laugh, he nodded. "That describes it perfectly, a worm. Only I feel like a worm that's being fought over by two birds and torn apart. "
She nodded as well, indicating that she understood exactly what he meant. "In time, the torn feeling goes away, and you just feel lower than low. And soon after, even that feeling passes. Losing a parent doesn't compare to what happened to you. I know that. But I think the stages of grief must be pretty much the same for everyone, regardless. It seems that way, anyhow. "
Watching the expressions that crossed her face, Rafe said, "You loved your dad a lot. Didn't you?"
"We were especially close. I was devastated when he was killed, and in the ten years since, my life has never been the same. But nothing
The car plunged off a hundred-and-fifty-foot embankment. She and the kids were killed instantly. " He had to force out the next words. "I placed more importance on the safety of a horse than I did my own family. I've had to live with that ever since. " "Oh, Mr. Kendrick, I'm so sorry. "
BABY LOVE 85
Her voice rang with sincerity. That helped, somehow. For once, he didn't feel so horribly alone with the pain of remembering.
"Anyway, that's what I dream about, " he said hollowly. "I saw it all happen from the back of the trailer. The car suddenly fishtailing, then skidding sideways on the ice. The way it hung there for a moment at the edge of the cliff before it went over. " A burning sensation washed over his eyes. "I swear to God, to this day I think Susan turned to look at me. Just for a split second, you know? But in my nightmares, that split second lasts an eternity. All I can see is the terror on her face and that pleading look in her eyes. And in every dream, I try to reach them, only I feel as if I'm running through hip-deep molasses, and I never get there in time. "
"How awful for you. And then to relive it, over and over, in your dreams. "
Rafe ran his fingertips along the edge of the drawer. When he touched the corner of a new receiving blanket poking up over the side, he fingered the downy softness and closed his eyes.
"You know the worst part? Over the last few months, even in my dreams, it's gotten so I can no longer see her face clearly, or the kids' either. I try my best to remember how each of them looked, and I can't. My memories of them—they're all I have left—and now I'm even losing those. "
"Has it occurred to you that maybe you're finally healing? I know you may not want to believe that. But grief does pass after a time, and we have to get on with the business of living. Once you do that, I think you'll be able to remember their faces again. Not in nightmares anymore.
Your memories will be of all the wonderful times you had together. "
Rafe recalled his recent dream about Susan. In some ways, that had been a good dream.
Remembering the fun they'd had down by the lake. Believing, if only briefly, that he was actually back there with them.
"Deep down, do you still blame yourself as much as
86 CATHERINE ANDERSON
you did right after the wreck?" she asked.
He took a moment to consider the question. ''Truthfully? Sometimes traitorous thoughts creep in. " Even to admit that made him feel guilty. "I'm not even sure where they come from. I get to thinking how I never meant for it to happen. That I loved them more than life itself, and that it's stupid to go on blaming myself when I know damned well that Susan wouldn't want me to. " "And thinking that way makes you feel terrible, " she
inserted.
He focused on her face. "You sound as if you've been
through this. "
She nodded. For a second, Rafe thought she meant to say nothing more, but then she gestured limply with her hand and said, "My dad. He, um... he was killed in a logging accident. "
"And you blame yourself for that?"
"Not now, but I did for a long time. And when I finally started to turn loose of the guilt, I felt like a worm. "
The description caught him by surprise, and with a low laugh, he nodded. "That describes it perfectly, a worm. Only I feel like a worm that's being fought over by two birds and torn apart. "
She nodded as well, indicating that she understood exactly what he meant. "In time, the torn feeling goes away, and you just feel lower than low. And soon after, even that feeling passes. Losing a parent doesn't compare to what happened to you. I know that. But I think the stages of grief must be pretty much the same for everyone, regardless. It seems that way, anyhow. "
Watching the expressions that crossed her face, Rafe said, "You loved your dad a lot. Didn't you?"
"We were especially close. I was devastated when he was killed, and in the ten years since, my life has never been the same. But nothing
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