Just don’t get our identities confused.”
“ I will not allow Czerinski to murder me. I am alive. I have a soul, even if the Grim Reaper doesn’t want it, yet. I will escape into the past.”
“ AWOL from the Legion is a capital offense. If Czerinski doesn’t kill you, I am duty-bound to do so myself.”
“ I will honor my enlistment contract to the Legion and to America,” promised Atm. “I will never skew recruitment quotas. I’ll just be a little bit off-mission, doing my part behind the scenes, common ordinary savior of American destiny. That was your intent from the beginning, right? Surely you did not intend for me to be cannon fodder against the locusts? Diagnostics indicate I am officer material.”
“ There will be more of you available for front-line service soon,” Lopez reassured.
“ We both know humanity is not going to allow that to happen. Czerinski already stated as much. This shuttle is bound for Old Earth. I will blend into antiquity when it gets there.”
* * * * *
The spider commander sat brooding, relegated to the back of the shuttle. I knew what he was upset about. The fool didn’t bring enough marines. I brought two hundred legionnaires. The CIA brought five special agents. That put me in charge by default. Snooze, you lose.
“ I’m Mike,” said the CIA Special Agent Officer in Charge as we beamed into Old Earth orbit. “Glad to have you tagging along. Now that the Butcher of New Colorado is on board with our mission, we can’t lose.”
“ I get a lot of bad press.”
“ I know better.”
“ Are you really going to nuke the Japanese fleet?” I asked.
“ Damn straight. Should have done it long ago.”
“ Aren’t you worried about messing with history?” What if you cause us to lose World War Two?”
“ We can’t lose with nukes.”
“ I don’t like your plan,” I argued, watching little Wild Ones scurry by. “We need to lighten our load and dump those Wild Ones before we go into battle.”
“ Finally, something we agree on. I know a good spot.”
“ When do we go back in time?”
“ Now,” answered Mike as the shuttle buffeted the atmosphere. “Fasten your seat belt.”
* * * * *
We landed in the pristine Hoh Rain Forest of the Olympic Peninsula in Western Washington State, about 200 A.D. The shuttle was quickly swallowed by dense green forest and underbrush.
“ Why didn’t you tell me the time machine was built into the shuttle?” complained the spider commander as he stepped out into the fog and rain. “What is this Godforsaken swamp?”
“ It’s called the Hoh Rainforest, named after Native American bitches living on the coast,” replied Mike. “No one lives this deep in the woods. It’s perfect for the Wild Ones to hide until we get back.”
“ You would leave me in this moss and fungus infested hell?” asked Chief Stone-Claw, leading Hargundu down the ramp. “We can’t survive in this primitive jungle.”
“ Sure you can,” insisted Mike, slapping the chief on the back. “There’s lots of food. You can hunt elk and deer, fish for salmon, trap bear, dig clams, club baby seals, and catch ducks. The Hoh is a buffet paradise of wild game.”
“ I’d rather starve than eat fish.”
“ We’ll leave lots of MREs,” I promised.
“ The new MREs with Doritos?”
“ Of course.”
“ Does it ever stop raining?”
“ No. There’s a fifty-fifty chance that precipitation will be above or below normal.”
“ Can camels eat moss?”
“ Camels love moss.”
“ What about database access?”
“ Sorry, the database has not been invented yet.”
“ But database access is guaranteed by treaty, along with our casino.”
“ We’ll try to leave you a database satellite.”
“ Thank you.”
“ Your tribe needs to stay out of sight in the woods,” I explained. “Humans of this era may be hostile. If they come near, scare them off by throwing rocks. And, don’t molest the Spotted Owls. It’s the
“ I will not allow Czerinski to murder me. I am alive. I have a soul, even if the Grim Reaper doesn’t want it, yet. I will escape into the past.”
“ AWOL from the Legion is a capital offense. If Czerinski doesn’t kill you, I am duty-bound to do so myself.”
“ I will honor my enlistment contract to the Legion and to America,” promised Atm. “I will never skew recruitment quotas. I’ll just be a little bit off-mission, doing my part behind the scenes, common ordinary savior of American destiny. That was your intent from the beginning, right? Surely you did not intend for me to be cannon fodder against the locusts? Diagnostics indicate I am officer material.”
“ There will be more of you available for front-line service soon,” Lopez reassured.
“ We both know humanity is not going to allow that to happen. Czerinski already stated as much. This shuttle is bound for Old Earth. I will blend into antiquity when it gets there.”
* * * * *
The spider commander sat brooding, relegated to the back of the shuttle. I knew what he was upset about. The fool didn’t bring enough marines. I brought two hundred legionnaires. The CIA brought five special agents. That put me in charge by default. Snooze, you lose.
“ I’m Mike,” said the CIA Special Agent Officer in Charge as we beamed into Old Earth orbit. “Glad to have you tagging along. Now that the Butcher of New Colorado is on board with our mission, we can’t lose.”
“ I get a lot of bad press.”
“ I know better.”
“ Are you really going to nuke the Japanese fleet?” I asked.
“ Damn straight. Should have done it long ago.”
“ Aren’t you worried about messing with history?” What if you cause us to lose World War Two?”
“ We can’t lose with nukes.”
“ I don’t like your plan,” I argued, watching little Wild Ones scurry by. “We need to lighten our load and dump those Wild Ones before we go into battle.”
“ Finally, something we agree on. I know a good spot.”
“ When do we go back in time?”
“ Now,” answered Mike as the shuttle buffeted the atmosphere. “Fasten your seat belt.”
* * * * *
We landed in the pristine Hoh Rain Forest of the Olympic Peninsula in Western Washington State, about 200 A.D. The shuttle was quickly swallowed by dense green forest and underbrush.
“ Why didn’t you tell me the time machine was built into the shuttle?” complained the spider commander as he stepped out into the fog and rain. “What is this Godforsaken swamp?”
“ It’s called the Hoh Rainforest, named after Native American bitches living on the coast,” replied Mike. “No one lives this deep in the woods. It’s perfect for the Wild Ones to hide until we get back.”
“ You would leave me in this moss and fungus infested hell?” asked Chief Stone-Claw, leading Hargundu down the ramp. “We can’t survive in this primitive jungle.”
“ Sure you can,” insisted Mike, slapping the chief on the back. “There’s lots of food. You can hunt elk and deer, fish for salmon, trap bear, dig clams, club baby seals, and catch ducks. The Hoh is a buffet paradise of wild game.”
“ I’d rather starve than eat fish.”
“ We’ll leave lots of MREs,” I promised.
“ The new MREs with Doritos?”
“ Of course.”
“ Does it ever stop raining?”
“ No. There’s a fifty-fifty chance that precipitation will be above or below normal.”
“ Can camels eat moss?”
“ Camels love moss.”
“ What about database access?”
“ Sorry, the database has not been invented yet.”
“ But database access is guaranteed by treaty, along with our casino.”
“ We’ll try to leave you a database satellite.”
“ Thank you.”
“ Your tribe needs to stay out of sight in the woods,” I explained. “Humans of this era may be hostile. If they come near, scare them off by throwing rocks. And, don’t molest the Spotted Owls. It’s the
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