An Absolute Mess by Sidney Ayers

 
     
     
    In a land far, far away
(Thank goodness!)
    “ You will marry Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute, and that is final.” Belden Feldspar slammed
his fist on the heavy oak of his desk.
    Jaylenne Feldspar stood firm in her
resolve, her features etched in a stoic glare. “Prince Leonardo Von
Absolute is an absolute jackass. He is a pompous poopie-head who
only cares about himself.” She huffed. “I heard he has twenty
people on his staff just for putting shoes on his oafish
feet.”
    “ Milady,” her maid
interrupted. “His Royal Highness is not an oaf. He is rather
sexy.”
    Blasted Kianne. She was much too
outspoken for a maid. “I don’t doubt his sexiness, Kianne. I doubt
his other attributes.”
    Kianne giggled and blushed. “I’ve
heard good things about his other attributes.”
    “ Kianne, I was referring—”
Jaylenne’s eyes widened. “Really?” She shook her head and
admonished herself. What was she doing? Her father was right there,
listening. “Uhh, Kianne, can you excuse yourself for a few minutes
while my father and I discuss the wedding I am not going to
have?”
    Kianne nodded and bowed meekly. “As
you wish, milady.” She turned and quietly left the room the room,
shutting the door behind her.
    “ Why does the prince want
to marry me?” Jaylenne asked. The pale jade gossamer of her skirts
swished as she paced her father’s bearskin rug.
    “ Does it matter?” her
father replied. “He is Prince of Farsidia. That is reason
enough.”
    Jaylenne rolled her eyes. “Well as far
as I recall, a woman still has a choice of her mate. Send Prince
Leonardo Von Absolute my answer, which will be a big fat NO. And
make sure to capitalize the N and O.” She crossed her arms across
her chest and gave her father an angry glare.
    “ Jaylenne Feldspar, you
and I both know you have not had your ceremony yet. Until then you
are not a woman , but a girl.”
    Blasted rites of this backwards
country. She was twenty summers, well past the normal ceremonial
age. She stomped her foot and stuck out her lip in a pout. The
longer he held off her ceremony, the longer he could keep her under
his wing—as a girl.
    “ I don’t need no stinking
ceremony. I am a woman, whether you like it or not.” She turned and
stormed out the room, slamming the door behind her. With chin held
high, she stalked toward the stairs and to her personal
chambers.
    Kianne sat at the window sill, mending
the hem of Jaylenne’s riding habit. “You really don’t want to marry
the prince?” she asked with wide eyes.
    Jaylenne hated the superficiality of
this kingdom. It made her want to retch. “No.”
    She stalked over to her desk and
picked up the package that had just arrived. It was from that
pompous prig of a prince. She was tempted to have the courier send
it back, but curiosity got the best of her. She ripped open the
paper.
    What the Hades was this? She gazed
upon the portrait of Prince Leonardo Von Absolute—complete with
autograph—with eyes wide with shock. It confirmed all her previous
convictions. The man was handsome, but conceited. His portrait said
it all. He was lounging upon an expansive bed, pristine white
blankets billowing about his muscular body. His tousled sun-kissed
tresses pooled about a handsome well chiseled face, and the blue
seas of his eyes sparkled with mischief. A smile that said, “come
hither” swept from cheek to cheek. Not a piece of clothing covered
his magnificent body.
    Thank goodness, the Absolute family
chalice rested in a strategic position, leaving what hid behind it
to her imagination. Not that she wanted to imagine it at all. Who
was she fooling? Of course, she wanted to imagine it. From the size
of that gaudy gold jewel gilt cup, his hidden package was rather
massive.
    Blasted men, she thought angrily. “See
what I mean?” she said, tossing the portrait to the ground, right
in front of Kianne. “Arrogant as Hades.”
    Kianne laughed. “Yes, but very nice to
look at, no?” She