America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 21: Breaking Very Bad by Walter Knight Page B
Authors: Walter Knight
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say it’s over, and it’s over now, bitch!”
Chapter 17
After the fiasco with Lopez’s misguided blue powder mission, I hoped things would settle down. However, General Daly informed me the USGF was going to launch a surprise attack across the DMZ on the spiders of the Arthropodan Empire, finally completing the Americanization of the entire planet. It’s about time , I thought. The uneasy truce with the spiders had lasted long enough
The new spider commander, replacing the last one DEA Agent Hanks had blown up with a ground-to-air missile, arrived at my office to discuss routine border stuff. He looked a lot like his predecessor. Truthfully, they all looked alike to me.
I put my poker face on, wearing sunglasses for back-up, but I knew it wouldn’t be much help. Never play poker with spiders. They can read every facial twitch, hand gestures, body posture, even eye dilation. Over the last few weeks, I’d lost more than one poker game to him.
“The Galactic Database and ZNN report that America is planning a surprise attack against the Empire along a six-thousand-mile front,” began the new spider commander, stoic as ever behind his mask of exoskeleton. “Well? Don’t lie. I’ll know.”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” I answered uncomfortably. “Surprise attack? At the height of the shopping and tourist season? No way, Jose. Surely you don’t fall for all those conspiracy theory rumors on the Galactic Database.”
“The Drudge Report confirmed your reckless human pestilence adventurism.”
“Damn! It means nothing.”
“Is our poker game still on for Saturday night? I want to win more of your American money. It’s as good as cash.”
“Poker is cancelled. I joined Gambling Anonymous.”
“I see.”
“Sorry. I should have quit a long time ago. Gambling is evil.”
“What about Christmas sales at Walmart? Are all electronics still half price?”
“Sales are cancelled. Inflation. Chinese slave labor has been outlawed. You can thank the Teamsters Union for ruining Christmas again. Bah, humbug.”
“Most unfortunate,” commented the spider commander. “No more Black Friday either?”
“Don’t be stupid. There will always be Black Friday. It’s the law, written in the Constitution somewhere, under the Commerce Clause.”
“And the border closings?”
“E-coli outbreak,” I explained, donning a surgical mask from my first aid kit. I should have done that at the start. It would have hidden my facial expressions better. “We’re having fruit fly and apple maggot problems, too. All commerce with the Empire is hereby stopped.”
“There is nothing on ZNN about fruit flies. You lie!”
“The FCC is taking ZNN off the air for being a Democrat Party front organization. They should have done that centuries ago, when it was the old CNN. Bureaucrats. They’re useless.”
“I am warning you,” threatened the spider commander, poking his claw at my chest. “Further provocations will not be tolerated, or else!”
“Or else what?” I replied, puffing up for the gathering crowd of legionnaires and spider marines. “Give it your best shot.”
“Or else the Empire switches exclusively to cable TV.”
“You wouldn’t dare. Friends don’t let friends watch cable.”
“Try me.”
“Just for that, I’m closing all Starbucks, Taco Bells, and KFC franchises north of the border. No more java shots for you!”
“You want war?” asked the spider commander. “Mess with my latte in the morning, and you’ll have your war!”
“Prepare to be shocked and awed!” I shouted as the spider commander tromped off. “Punk!”
I watched the spider commander drive off. They come, they go, but I’m still here for the duration.
“Are we really going to war?” asked Major Lopez, my XO and friend. “It could get messy, especially if we use nukes.”
“You only die twice.”
“You keep saying that, but what’s it mean? You get religion?”
“You
Chapter 17
After the fiasco with Lopez’s misguided blue powder mission, I hoped things would settle down. However, General Daly informed me the USGF was going to launch a surprise attack across the DMZ on the spiders of the Arthropodan Empire, finally completing the Americanization of the entire planet. It’s about time , I thought. The uneasy truce with the spiders had lasted long enough
The new spider commander, replacing the last one DEA Agent Hanks had blown up with a ground-to-air missile, arrived at my office to discuss routine border stuff. He looked a lot like his predecessor. Truthfully, they all looked alike to me.
I put my poker face on, wearing sunglasses for back-up, but I knew it wouldn’t be much help. Never play poker with spiders. They can read every facial twitch, hand gestures, body posture, even eye dilation. Over the last few weeks, I’d lost more than one poker game to him.
“The Galactic Database and ZNN report that America is planning a surprise attack against the Empire along a six-thousand-mile front,” began the new spider commander, stoic as ever behind his mask of exoskeleton. “Well? Don’t lie. I’ll know.”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” I answered uncomfortably. “Surprise attack? At the height of the shopping and tourist season? No way, Jose. Surely you don’t fall for all those conspiracy theory rumors on the Galactic Database.”
“The Drudge Report confirmed your reckless human pestilence adventurism.”
“Damn! It means nothing.”
“Is our poker game still on for Saturday night? I want to win more of your American money. It’s as good as cash.”
“Poker is cancelled. I joined Gambling Anonymous.”
“I see.”
“Sorry. I should have quit a long time ago. Gambling is evil.”
“What about Christmas sales at Walmart? Are all electronics still half price?”
“Sales are cancelled. Inflation. Chinese slave labor has been outlawed. You can thank the Teamsters Union for ruining Christmas again. Bah, humbug.”
“Most unfortunate,” commented the spider commander. “No more Black Friday either?”
“Don’t be stupid. There will always be Black Friday. It’s the law, written in the Constitution somewhere, under the Commerce Clause.”
“And the border closings?”
“E-coli outbreak,” I explained, donning a surgical mask from my first aid kit. I should have done that at the start. It would have hidden my facial expressions better. “We’re having fruit fly and apple maggot problems, too. All commerce with the Empire is hereby stopped.”
“There is nothing on ZNN about fruit flies. You lie!”
“The FCC is taking ZNN off the air for being a Democrat Party front organization. They should have done that centuries ago, when it was the old CNN. Bureaucrats. They’re useless.”
“I am warning you,” threatened the spider commander, poking his claw at my chest. “Further provocations will not be tolerated, or else!”
“Or else what?” I replied, puffing up for the gathering crowd of legionnaires and spider marines. “Give it your best shot.”
“Or else the Empire switches exclusively to cable TV.”
“You wouldn’t dare. Friends don’t let friends watch cable.”
“Try me.”
“Just for that, I’m closing all Starbucks, Taco Bells, and KFC franchises north of the border. No more java shots for you!”
“You want war?” asked the spider commander. “Mess with my latte in the morning, and you’ll have your war!”
“Prepare to be shocked and awed!” I shouted as the spider commander tromped off. “Punk!”
I watched the spider commander drive off. They come, they go, but I’m still here for the duration.
“Are we really going to war?” asked Major Lopez, my XO and friend. “It could get messy, especially if we use nukes.”
“You only die twice.”
“You keep saying that, but what’s it mean? You get religion?”
“You
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