All the Presidents' Pets by Mo Rocca Page B

Hamilton. Neither of us is going to be put down by the hardball tactics you and your Federalist cronies consistently enlist in trying to subvert my Constitution.
    HAMILTON:
Your
Constitution? The last time I checked I wrote fifty-two of the Federalist Papers in support of its ratification. You wrote how many?
    (Silence.)
    MADISON: I’m not going to respond.
    HAMILTON: How many?
    MADISON: I’m not taking the bait again.
    HAMILTON: Twenty-six, is it?
    MADISON: Twenty-eight!!
    HAMILTON: Oooh, big man with twenty-eight Federalist Papers under his belt. I’m sooo impressed.
    MADISON: You know, Hamilton, you’re not just a bastard. You’re a total arsehole.
    HAMILTON: Hey, I’d rather be an arsehole than have my lips locked around Jefferson’s codger 24/7!
    MADISON: I hope you get shot.
    BUZZY: Mr. Hamilton, Mr. Madison, please!! Can we stick to the issues?
    MADISON: He started it.
    HAMILTON: Sorry, but the numbers don’t lie. It’s twenty-six, right?
    MADISON: Twenty-eight!!
    TODDY: Enough, gentlemen. Now, Buzzy, here’s the way I see it: The President
may
have reason to be nervous about France or any other foreign power who might benefit from discord in this country.
    BUZZY: Yes, Toddy, national security is of the utmost importance but I really don’t think criticizing our government is going to make France more likely to invade us. My fear is that the Federalist Party may want these acts signed into law so that they can consolidate power and avoid any criticism at all.
    TODDY: Buzzy, that’s an absolutely valid concern and one that I’ll bring to President Adams’s attention. But grant that an unfettered freedom to criticize the government does smack of mob rule. And who trusts a mob?
    BUZZY: I certainly don’t. But trying to suppress a “mob” is only going to create more dissent.
    TODDY: True, true.
    BUZZY: People will only want more freedom more quickly. Besides, inevitably this Republic will become a true democracy as more people are given the right to vote.
    TODDY: I certainly concede that point. But until then how do we balance security concerns with liberty?
    BUZZY: Well, I think we should agree that
treasonous
acts are outlawed—acts of deliberate betrayal against the government, rather than written words that purportedly incite rebellion.
    TODDY: That, my friend, sounds like a fair compromise. We certainly don’t want to violate a central freedom we just fought so hard to safeguard. It would be too too ironic. I think we should also engage the French and English in strict policies of neutrality to minimize threats from overseas.
    BUZZY: Good point. That is what President Washington advised us in his Farewell Address.
    TODDY: Then it’s settled. Now this has been a very fruitful discussion. Mr. Hamilton, what do you think? Mr. Hamilton?
    BUZZY: Mr. Hamilton?
    HAMILTON: Was someone talking?
    BUZZY: Well, yes. We were just having what I think was a productive discussion.
    HAMILTON: That’s great because I was just having what I think was a productive naptime.
    BUZZY: Mr. Madison, do you have any thoughts?
    MADISON: Yes. First of all, this show is in trouble. You’re doing it all wrong.
    TODDY: How would you prefer we behave?
    MADISON: Oh, I don’t know. Like dogs? Call Buzzy a mongrel.
    HAMILTON: Maybe bite him.
    MADISON: At least bark.
    HAMILTON: There’s more barking on
The Burr Factor
and they just have one host. No wonder more people show up at their town square.
    MADISON: You should try to rip his throat out.
    (Hamilton laughs.)
    MADISON: What’s so funny?
    HAMILTON: I’m trying to imagine you ripping someone’s throat out. How tall are you? Twenty-six inches?
    MADISON: Twenty-eight!!!
    (Madison lunges at Hamilton.)
    BUZZY: Oh dear.
    TODDY: Please join us tomorrow when our guests will discuss this year’s wedge issue, the three-fifths clause of the Constitution.

    It was quite a read. The hosts were so