eat. Come in.”
I could barely stand to look at Green Hat. I wanted to scratch his face with the fork I was holding tightly in my right hand. I wanted to cram it into his throat and choke him. I needed a human sacrifice badly. I felt as if all mypain and anger and fear had taken on the shape of this one man.
I didn’t say a word during supper. I was looking at my plate.
“What did you do today, sweetheart?”
“Lots of things.”
“Such as?”
I had read once that a human being breathes 840 times an hour. It was about 7 p.m.
“I breathed about 15,900 times. That’s what I did today.”
For dessert I went and got the guitar corpse from the garage. I put it on the table, beside the chocolate cake. I stormed upstairs, knowing that I was acting like a colossal jerk, but feeling free just the same. I could hear Luc yelling at Green Hat:
“You’re mean! You want to steal my Maman!”
I heard footsteps and then the creak of my door opening.
No polite knocking this time.
Maman marched in. “For God’s sake, what did you say to Luc?” She looked like Alice Cooper, her makeup smeared all over her face. “Why are you acting this way? Francis? Answer me!”
I didn’t understand why, I just knew that I was in a rage. Her mascara had made black football player smudges under her eyes.
“Why are you so mean, Francis?”
“I am not mean.
You
are!”
“Why can’t I have a little bit of happiness?”
“What about Luc and me?”
She clasped her hands to her head and repeated softly, “Why can’t I have a little bit of happiness?”
I felt that the air had been knocked out of me. “It’s only been a year, Maman. Only one year.”
“I’ve cried enough, I think.” Her voice had grown calm and cool and it enraged me.
“How dare you replace him like that, with freaking Green Hat?”
“His name is George! Stop calling him Green Hat!”
“You can’t replace Papa.”
“I don’t want to.” Her composure vanished and she collapsed on my bed, curled up on her side, and cried like a baby.
I don’t know how long we were frozen in place, but eventually she sat up. I handed her a Kleenex and she snuffled. “You know, I’m really angry with your father. He cut out and left me with no money and two kids to raise alone.”
“You’re not alone, Maman. I’m here with you.”
“I know, but it’s not the same thing, Francis. Someday, when you fall in love, you will understand what I’m talking about.”
Huh! Falling in love. I wasn’t about to do that again. I’d learned my lesson.
“Okay,” she sounded defeated. “I understand it’s only been a year. I will ask George to leave. But listen to me very carefully: I’m doing this because of
you.
It’s the first and last time in my entire life I’ll do this. Do you
hear
me? The first and last time. Now, I don’t think I want to talk to you for a while.” She closed the door and left me alone.
The day after the Leaving of Green Hat, Aunt Sophie appeared at the deli. It was around six on Monday evening. There were only two or three customers sitting at the back. Mr. Deli was in the basement fretting over the bagel oven. The Cranberries were playing on the radio. It was raining softly.
Aunt Sophie shook out her umbrella and sat on a stool at the counter so she could talk to me while I sliced potatoes. “Your mother told me everything,” she said. She looked like a big potato herself, in her wrinkled linen dress with her face drawn into unaccustomed lines. I concentrated on the cutting board.
“I’m disappointed in you. If I were you, I wouldn’t be proud of me,” she said.
The more I agreed with her inside, the madder I got. When you’re already beating yourself up for doing something stupid, you don’t need anyone else’s help. Aunt Sophie had always been in my corner. I didn’t want to feel ashamed in front of her.
“You aren’t me!” I was yelling without meaning to.
She leaned across the counter. “Look at me,
I could barely stand to look at Green Hat. I wanted to scratch his face with the fork I was holding tightly in my right hand. I wanted to cram it into his throat and choke him. I needed a human sacrifice badly. I felt as if all mypain and anger and fear had taken on the shape of this one man.
I didn’t say a word during supper. I was looking at my plate.
“What did you do today, sweetheart?”
“Lots of things.”
“Such as?”
I had read once that a human being breathes 840 times an hour. It was about 7 p.m.
“I breathed about 15,900 times. That’s what I did today.”
For dessert I went and got the guitar corpse from the garage. I put it on the table, beside the chocolate cake. I stormed upstairs, knowing that I was acting like a colossal jerk, but feeling free just the same. I could hear Luc yelling at Green Hat:
“You’re mean! You want to steal my Maman!”
I heard footsteps and then the creak of my door opening.
No polite knocking this time.
Maman marched in. “For God’s sake, what did you say to Luc?” She looked like Alice Cooper, her makeup smeared all over her face. “Why are you acting this way? Francis? Answer me!”
I didn’t understand why, I just knew that I was in a rage. Her mascara had made black football player smudges under her eyes.
“Why are you so mean, Francis?”
“I am not mean.
You
are!”
“Why can’t I have a little bit of happiness?”
“What about Luc and me?”
She clasped her hands to her head and repeated softly, “Why can’t I have a little bit of happiness?”
I felt that the air had been knocked out of me. “It’s only been a year, Maman. Only one year.”
“I’ve cried enough, I think.” Her voice had grown calm and cool and it enraged me.
“How dare you replace him like that, with freaking Green Hat?”
“His name is George! Stop calling him Green Hat!”
“You can’t replace Papa.”
“I don’t want to.” Her composure vanished and she collapsed on my bed, curled up on her side, and cried like a baby.
I don’t know how long we were frozen in place, but eventually she sat up. I handed her a Kleenex and she snuffled. “You know, I’m really angry with your father. He cut out and left me with no money and two kids to raise alone.”
“You’re not alone, Maman. I’m here with you.”
“I know, but it’s not the same thing, Francis. Someday, when you fall in love, you will understand what I’m talking about.”
Huh! Falling in love. I wasn’t about to do that again. I’d learned my lesson.
“Okay,” she sounded defeated. “I understand it’s only been a year. I will ask George to leave. But listen to me very carefully: I’m doing this because of
you.
It’s the first and last time in my entire life I’ll do this. Do you
hear
me? The first and last time. Now, I don’t think I want to talk to you for a while.” She closed the door and left me alone.
The day after the Leaving of Green Hat, Aunt Sophie appeared at the deli. It was around six on Monday evening. There were only two or three customers sitting at the back. Mr. Deli was in the basement fretting over the bagel oven. The Cranberries were playing on the radio. It was raining softly.
Aunt Sophie shook out her umbrella and sat on a stool at the counter so she could talk to me while I sliced potatoes. “Your mother told me everything,” she said. She looked like a big potato herself, in her wrinkled linen dress with her face drawn into unaccustomed lines. I concentrated on the cutting board.
“I’m disappointed in you. If I were you, I wouldn’t be proud of me,” she said.
The more I agreed with her inside, the madder I got. When you’re already beating yourself up for doing something stupid, you don’t need anyone else’s help. Aunt Sophie had always been in my corner. I didn’t want to feel ashamed in front of her.
“You aren’t me!” I was yelling without meaning to.
She leaned across the counter. “Look at me,
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