actually close friends. Much as he treasured Sean’s mere existence Sean had never become part of him the way Michael had. But now he ached with desire just to see him again, just to be in the same room as Sean. Yes, he missed Sean these days more than ever. And then, finally, he had to admit it to himself: he missed Fox.
He had told himself that Fox was in the past. He had decided just a week ago never to see him again. But that decision was beginning to be a difficult one to hold fast to. A part of him, the part that included his sexual longings and imagination, dreamed wistfully of an idealised faunlike existence with Fox, wild and randy among the greening woods. Another part of him, wiser and more circumspect, warned against the dangers of more folly. Too much emotional reliance on one, clearly unsuitable person. The chasm that existed between their different backgrounds, aspirations and understanding of the world. Discovery. This last was the most chillingly frightening of all. He had seen television news items about court cases in Britain. Accusations of child abuse, the public exposure – in lurid detail – of unsuitable relationships, slanging matches between rival sets of parents. How it might play out in France he could only speculate grimly.
As usual, he compromised with himself in the end. He would still not seek Fox out. But of course it was silly to imagine that he could avoid their paths crossing. On this unpopulated upland they were practically neighbours, living less than two miles apart as they did. So if they ran into each other Adam would have to play the situation by ear. Which might not absolutely have to mean cutting Fox dead. Surely Adam was old and intelligent enough to handle the situation. It might be possible even to resume a sexual relationship. It wasn’t the end of the world, after all, if Fox imagined he was in love with Adam. Adam would make it clear that he could not return the compliment and they would both find a way to live with that. Thousands of people all over the world had to do just that. For example, Adam was in love with Sean and Sean didn’t reciprocate that. It didn’t seem to pose a problem for Sean, though.
Adam ’s strategy was not to be tested yet. As the days passed, his solitary rambles by bike and on foot resumed their previous range but they still gave him no sightings of Fox. He seemed to have gone to earth all of a sudden. By degrees Adam began to find the continuing no-show first irritating then frustrating. He wanted an opportunity to put his action plan to the test. He also found himself running conversations with Fox in his head, though their conversations in real life had up to now been extremely limited in scope. Then he began to imagine that he glimpsed him, satyr-like and half-clothed, among the trees in the forests and through the gaps in the hedgerows that divided the fields. When this had happened for about the third time Adam found himself almost unthinkingly unzipping and hauling out his stiffening cock, then masturbating boldly in the open field where he stood, as if, by doing something that Fox had told him he did himself, he could charm the fugitive creature to his side.
One day he found himself walking along the road to Perrogney. ‘Well, what a surprise,’ he said to himself – out loud, as if to make the lie to himself more persuasive – ‘I’m halfway to Perrogney. Might as well walk round by that old farm down there.’ He thought a little later that he had never tried so blatantly to deceive himself before and had to ask himself why it had become such a necessity now.
A stony cart track with a thin centre-line of grass wound downhill from the lane between two barbed-wire fences. A huddle of roofs rose above the crown of a hump-shaped pasture. Blue wood-smoke climbed peacefully into the windless air. A two-stroke engine puttered at a distance; the top half of a grain elevator was in view; hay-bales were being loaded onto its top end
He had told himself that Fox was in the past. He had decided just a week ago never to see him again. But that decision was beginning to be a difficult one to hold fast to. A part of him, the part that included his sexual longings and imagination, dreamed wistfully of an idealised faunlike existence with Fox, wild and randy among the greening woods. Another part of him, wiser and more circumspect, warned against the dangers of more folly. Too much emotional reliance on one, clearly unsuitable person. The chasm that existed between their different backgrounds, aspirations and understanding of the world. Discovery. This last was the most chillingly frightening of all. He had seen television news items about court cases in Britain. Accusations of child abuse, the public exposure – in lurid detail – of unsuitable relationships, slanging matches between rival sets of parents. How it might play out in France he could only speculate grimly.
As usual, he compromised with himself in the end. He would still not seek Fox out. But of course it was silly to imagine that he could avoid their paths crossing. On this unpopulated upland they were practically neighbours, living less than two miles apart as they did. So if they ran into each other Adam would have to play the situation by ear. Which might not absolutely have to mean cutting Fox dead. Surely Adam was old and intelligent enough to handle the situation. It might be possible even to resume a sexual relationship. It wasn’t the end of the world, after all, if Fox imagined he was in love with Adam. Adam would make it clear that he could not return the compliment and they would both find a way to live with that. Thousands of people all over the world had to do just that. For example, Adam was in love with Sean and Sean didn’t reciprocate that. It didn’t seem to pose a problem for Sean, though.
Adam ’s strategy was not to be tested yet. As the days passed, his solitary rambles by bike and on foot resumed their previous range but they still gave him no sightings of Fox. He seemed to have gone to earth all of a sudden. By degrees Adam began to find the continuing no-show first irritating then frustrating. He wanted an opportunity to put his action plan to the test. He also found himself running conversations with Fox in his head, though their conversations in real life had up to now been extremely limited in scope. Then he began to imagine that he glimpsed him, satyr-like and half-clothed, among the trees in the forests and through the gaps in the hedgerows that divided the fields. When this had happened for about the third time Adam found himself almost unthinkingly unzipping and hauling out his stiffening cock, then masturbating boldly in the open field where he stood, as if, by doing something that Fox had told him he did himself, he could charm the fugitive creature to his side.
One day he found himself walking along the road to Perrogney. ‘Well, what a surprise,’ he said to himself – out loud, as if to make the lie to himself more persuasive – ‘I’m halfway to Perrogney. Might as well walk round by that old farm down there.’ He thought a little later that he had never tried so blatantly to deceive himself before and had to ask himself why it had become such a necessity now.
A stony cart track with a thin centre-line of grass wound downhill from the lane between two barbed-wire fences. A huddle of roofs rose above the crown of a hump-shaped pasture. Blue wood-smoke climbed peacefully into the windless air. A two-stroke engine puttered at a distance; the top half of a grain elevator was in view; hay-bales were being loaded onto its top end
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