Accidentally...Evil? (Accidentally Yours) by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

contender for Crazy Shrew. Very well, at least I will not have to sleep with her.
He hoped. He, too, “liked ’em warm,” and with a heart or a soul, for that matter. A little sanity might be pleasant, too.
    “Agreed,” he said.
    Cimil took several steps forward, closing the gap between them, and stared with her large turquoise-green eyes. “Prophecy time, mighty warrior. Kneel.”
    Niccolo complied.
    Baring a devilish grin, Cimil placed her soft hands on his cheeks and rubbed his unshaven jaw. “Oooh. Just like your eyes. So tough and black. The things your stubble could teach my calluses.”
    Niccolo cocked one brow.
    Cimil frowned. “No? Not into calluses? Fine, then.” She took a deep breath and then stared into his eyes before softly kissing his lips. She sucked in a deep breath as if absorbing his scent. “Okay. Up, up.”
    That is all?
    “Well?” he asked.
    She turned and pushed through the thick underbrush, uncovering an overgrown path.
    Niccolo trailed behind her, thoroughly perplexed. “Where the devil are you going?” he bellowed with his deep, commanding voice. “Tell me what you saw!”
    “I was right about you, big guy,” she said. “You
are
a challenge, and I’m going to love watching you run this gauntlet. It’s a delightfully cruel one, at least for your shallow undead mind.”
    What the bloody hell?
    She continued talking without slowing her pace. “I saw all possible outcomes of your life, and there
is
a path that leads to your release from Her Majesty’s command.”
    “Is
not
dying part of the equation?”
    She kept up the rapid pace. “You’re dead already.”
    Touché.
    Cimil stopped abruptly. Niccolo plowed into her back.
    “Ow!” she yelped. A small flock of blackbirds burst from the bush to her side, chirping noisily as they fled to the sky. He winced as the sunlight continued to heat his skin and weaken him.
    She spun to face him. “Listen, Hellboy, we need to make this quick. I have garage sales to hit and naughty souls to claim. Decide.”
    “I do not understand.” Was this goddess tormenting him for sport? Why did she call him “Hellboy”?
How very rude!
    She poked at his bare chest with a razor-sharp fingernail. “You hate taking orders.”
    Sì, true. After all, I am a vampire.
    “And even if you decided to listen like a good little boy, the odds of pulling this off are slim to none.”
    I happen to excel at all things impossible. I am a vampire!
    “So don’t come crying if you end up in your queen’s dungeon.”
    Vampires do not cry, silly woman.
    “Tortured three times a day for all eternity, which is where you have a ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine percent chance of landing if you don’t do exactly as I say.”
    Actually, those numbers are quite encouraging.
He thought his odds were somewhere between pigs flying and hell freezing over. “
Buon
. I understand. Tell me what you saw, what I must do.”
    “First, you will have to find your true mate. Or, more accurately, she will find you. A human, by the way.”
    “Human?”
That is disappointing. But, on the other hand, there certainly are more tedious creatures on the planet. Cimil, for example.
    “Yesss.” Cimil narrowed her eyes. “And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans—most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling.”
    Niccolo didn’t know what these “clowns” were, but he made a mental note to stay away if he ever encountered one. Sounded unpleasant.
    “I did not say a word,” he retorted innocently.
    “Good, because I’m warning you, if you’re not in this for the long haul, jump off the Cimil Soul Train now and boogie your naked body home.” Her eyes quickly shifted to a squawking toucan perched above on a branch. “Who the hell asked you? You can’t even dance. I mean,
really
.”
    Niccolo scratched his chin, ignoring the bizarre behavior and the urge to wrap his hands around her neck. “My resolve will not waver.”
    She stifled a