means to me that you are such a great friend. It means the world to me."
I could tell by his expression that my words didn’t inspire the same empathy as they did that first night. I looked down as I continued. I didn’t want to see Colin’s face as I said the words. I didn’t want to see his answer before I heard it.
"I don’t want more than that, Colin. Can’t you just be my friend? Can’t that be enough?"
I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I heard him let out a long, shaky breath. I just stood there waiting for his answer, hoping it was yes.
"No."
He spoke so softly that, were I not listening for it, I may never have heard the word.
"I don’t think it’s enough — not for either of us."
And as I stood there with my head down and my back against the tree, I felt him turn and walk away. I tried to call out after him, to yell "wait!" I didn’t, though; I was frozen.
I’m not sure how many minutes I spent leaning against that tree, fighting off the overwhelming sadness threatening to drown me. Everything I'd done these last couple of months, I did in an attempt to prevent this very moment from occurring — the moment that I lost one of them.
****
I didn’t go to lunch that day, partly because I was afraid that Colin did and partly because I just couldn’t face Amber and Randi.
I took my time walking back to my dorm room, all the while replaying the last two months in my mind. They were all happy images — especially the ones including Colin. I knew there were moments that weren’t perfect, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to recall them.
Instead, I remembered the times Colin was there right when I needed someone. He was there the first day when I needed help carrying my bag and finding my room. He was there the night of the dorm exercise, when I was afraid no one would want to partner with me. He was there the night of my first party, when he came back for me so I wouldn’t have to walk home alone. He was there the night Danny visited, and I had nowhere to go, and he let me into his room.
Even these past few weeks, as I was obviously ignoring him, Colin still sat stoically next to me in every class and walked in silence with me to every lunch.
As I approached the steps of my dorm, these images flashing through my mind, the realization that Colin had just turned and walked out of my life came crashing down on me.
But along with it came the other memories — the imperfect ones. The times I upset him by avoiding his questions about me, and the night of the party when I told him we’d only be friends. And I remembered that I’d never lied to Colin or led him on. I made it very clear that friendship was all I could give him — even if both of us wanted more. I had tried to prevent this. I had taken every possible step to keep our relationship platonic. And finally, I realized it wasn’t my fault that Colin walked away from me, from our friendship…but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
****
When I got back to my room, I was exhausted, and I was sad.
I just wanted to be alone and to take a nap. I changed into my most comfortable pair of sweats and crawled into my bed, thankful for the hour and a half of peace Amber’s schedule afforded me.
I must’ve fallen asleep quickly, because it only felt like a minute had passed when I heard voices right outside my door. I rubbed my eyes and turned over, looking for the clock. Sure enough, my hour and a half of peace was through, so I sat up to greet Amber and whoever was with her.
"Hey! You’re sleeping? You never sleep during the day." Amber looked at me suspiciously.
"I took a little nap. I was up late studying." I shrugged. Confiding in Amber was not an option, so I was forced to lie.
Good thing I did, too, because as I looked past Amber into the hallway, Randi suddenly appeared.
"So," Amber began, seemingly appeased by my excuse. "We…" She gestured between herself and Randi. "Were thinking about Halloween, and we
I could tell by his expression that my words didn’t inspire the same empathy as they did that first night. I looked down as I continued. I didn’t want to see Colin’s face as I said the words. I didn’t want to see his answer before I heard it.
"I don’t want more than that, Colin. Can’t you just be my friend? Can’t that be enough?"
I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I heard him let out a long, shaky breath. I just stood there waiting for his answer, hoping it was yes.
"No."
He spoke so softly that, were I not listening for it, I may never have heard the word.
"I don’t think it’s enough — not for either of us."
And as I stood there with my head down and my back against the tree, I felt him turn and walk away. I tried to call out after him, to yell "wait!" I didn’t, though; I was frozen.
I’m not sure how many minutes I spent leaning against that tree, fighting off the overwhelming sadness threatening to drown me. Everything I'd done these last couple of months, I did in an attempt to prevent this very moment from occurring — the moment that I lost one of them.
****
I didn’t go to lunch that day, partly because I was afraid that Colin did and partly because I just couldn’t face Amber and Randi.
I took my time walking back to my dorm room, all the while replaying the last two months in my mind. They were all happy images — especially the ones including Colin. I knew there were moments that weren’t perfect, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to recall them.
Instead, I remembered the times Colin was there right when I needed someone. He was there the first day when I needed help carrying my bag and finding my room. He was there the night of the dorm exercise, when I was afraid no one would want to partner with me. He was there the night of my first party, when he came back for me so I wouldn’t have to walk home alone. He was there the night Danny visited, and I had nowhere to go, and he let me into his room.
Even these past few weeks, as I was obviously ignoring him, Colin still sat stoically next to me in every class and walked in silence with me to every lunch.
As I approached the steps of my dorm, these images flashing through my mind, the realization that Colin had just turned and walked out of my life came crashing down on me.
But along with it came the other memories — the imperfect ones. The times I upset him by avoiding his questions about me, and the night of the party when I told him we’d only be friends. And I remembered that I’d never lied to Colin or led him on. I made it very clear that friendship was all I could give him — even if both of us wanted more. I had tried to prevent this. I had taken every possible step to keep our relationship platonic. And finally, I realized it wasn’t my fault that Colin walked away from me, from our friendship…but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
****
When I got back to my room, I was exhausted, and I was sad.
I just wanted to be alone and to take a nap. I changed into my most comfortable pair of sweats and crawled into my bed, thankful for the hour and a half of peace Amber’s schedule afforded me.
I must’ve fallen asleep quickly, because it only felt like a minute had passed when I heard voices right outside my door. I rubbed my eyes and turned over, looking for the clock. Sure enough, my hour and a half of peace was through, so I sat up to greet Amber and whoever was with her.
"Hey! You’re sleeping? You never sleep during the day." Amber looked at me suspiciously.
"I took a little nap. I was up late studying." I shrugged. Confiding in Amber was not an option, so I was forced to lie.
Good thing I did, too, because as I looked past Amber into the hallway, Randi suddenly appeared.
"So," Amber began, seemingly appeased by my excuse. "We…" She gestured between herself and Randi. "Were thinking about Halloween, and we
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