………………………………………………..
Abbie sipped her hot tea as she looked out of the kitchen window at the rain steadily falling against a backdrop of dark autumnal clouds.
Then a very real and paranoid thought entered her head that stopped her dead in her tracks. The intensity and the power of the grief that she had experienced had already driven her mad, she thought; she just had been too wrapped up in herself to notice.
This idea shocked her. She felt sane, able to understand what was going on at all times, aware of her surroundings; she could look after herself and had no difficulty communicating with people. She generally could do as she wished with no problems. Admittedly, the panic in the supermarket the other day concerned her but the doctor had explained that as emotional anxiety and quite common. She was not seeing or talking to pink elephants and she certainly didn’t think herself as Mary, mother of Jesus or something, so no major delusions there. Just the fact that she was now able to transport her consciousness to another dimension and see dead people; no, she thought surely nothing mad about that?
About midday, Abbie realised that her appetite had deserted her completely as she had not yet eaten. She quickly did herself a round of whole-wheat toast, but the texture was too rough for her and after only a few bites she threw it into the bin.
Abbie walked and paced the house in an agitated state, trying continually to put her thoughts in order and formulate a plan, but any sense of logic and constructive thought process would not happen; her mind just went round in circles until she felt very distressed, and somewhat out of her depth.
As a diversion Abbie opened some post that had arrived earlier: some were circulars addressed to the occupier, one for sponsoring children in Third world countries and one for insurance for the over 50’s.
Two envelopes looked important though and she recognised one as being from her bank; Abbie considered not opening it but then changed her mind and pulled out the typed letter, which confirmed that the insurance cover to the mortgage on the house had been applied and the debt paid in full.
So, she was now mortgage-free, a major achievement, but the reality of this didn’t take hold in the way she would have wished; if only circumstances had been different…
The second letter was from the life insurance company, paying her a life insurance cheque for the sum of £50,000. She tossed it on to the table; she was by all accounts considerably better off than she had been a few weeks ago, but without Peter none of this mattered.
Abbie felt a distinct level of distress building within her, uncertainty, confusion and doubt. Her thoughts were racing, then in a moment for the first time that day she thought of going for a run. Suddenly though she wondered, what if something happens? Then let it happen, she decided, I need this space and activity for me.
After a few minutes of stretching, the rain was still heavy as she set of for the park. Puddles had formed and she knew wet feet were guaranteed, but at least maybe the park and the hill would be quiet although it was early afternoon, she did not want to be bothered with other people. She felt that she didn’t have the capacity for anyone just now; dealing with herself was hard enough.
Abbie’s legs quickly became damp with rain and wetness was seeping in through the sole of her left trainer. Once into her running rhythm however she felt very comfortable, it was as though her mind began to relax, as if outside of the confines of the house walls it was no longer restricted by all her anxieties.
She focused on her breathing and also running strides, dodging water-logged areas of the park, but the grass was very wet underfoot. She was aware of perspiration on her forehead under her woollen hat, and warmth throughout her body. She realised that she had forgotten
Abbie sipped her hot tea as she looked out of the kitchen window at the rain steadily falling against a backdrop of dark autumnal clouds.
Then a very real and paranoid thought entered her head that stopped her dead in her tracks. The intensity and the power of the grief that she had experienced had already driven her mad, she thought; she just had been too wrapped up in herself to notice.
This idea shocked her. She felt sane, able to understand what was going on at all times, aware of her surroundings; she could look after herself and had no difficulty communicating with people. She generally could do as she wished with no problems. Admittedly, the panic in the supermarket the other day concerned her but the doctor had explained that as emotional anxiety and quite common. She was not seeing or talking to pink elephants and she certainly didn’t think herself as Mary, mother of Jesus or something, so no major delusions there. Just the fact that she was now able to transport her consciousness to another dimension and see dead people; no, she thought surely nothing mad about that?
About midday, Abbie realised that her appetite had deserted her completely as she had not yet eaten. She quickly did herself a round of whole-wheat toast, but the texture was too rough for her and after only a few bites she threw it into the bin.
Abbie walked and paced the house in an agitated state, trying continually to put her thoughts in order and formulate a plan, but any sense of logic and constructive thought process would not happen; her mind just went round in circles until she felt very distressed, and somewhat out of her depth.
As a diversion Abbie opened some post that had arrived earlier: some were circulars addressed to the occupier, one for sponsoring children in Third world countries and one for insurance for the over 50’s.
Two envelopes looked important though and she recognised one as being from her bank; Abbie considered not opening it but then changed her mind and pulled out the typed letter, which confirmed that the insurance cover to the mortgage on the house had been applied and the debt paid in full.
So, she was now mortgage-free, a major achievement, but the reality of this didn’t take hold in the way she would have wished; if only circumstances had been different…
The second letter was from the life insurance company, paying her a life insurance cheque for the sum of £50,000. She tossed it on to the table; she was by all accounts considerably better off than she had been a few weeks ago, but without Peter none of this mattered.
Abbie felt a distinct level of distress building within her, uncertainty, confusion and doubt. Her thoughts were racing, then in a moment for the first time that day she thought of going for a run. Suddenly though she wondered, what if something happens? Then let it happen, she decided, I need this space and activity for me.
After a few minutes of stretching, the rain was still heavy as she set of for the park. Puddles had formed and she knew wet feet were guaranteed, but at least maybe the park and the hill would be quiet although it was early afternoon, she did not want to be bothered with other people. She felt that she didn’t have the capacity for anyone just now; dealing with herself was hard enough.
Abbie’s legs quickly became damp with rain and wetness was seeping in through the sole of her left trainer. Once into her running rhythm however she felt very comfortable, it was as though her mind began to relax, as if outside of the confines of the house walls it was no longer restricted by all her anxieties.
She focused on her breathing and also running strides, dodging water-logged areas of the park, but the grass was very wet underfoot. She was aware of perspiration on her forehead under her woollen hat, and warmth throughout her body. She realised that she had forgotten
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