A Year Straight by Elena Azzoni

hair so short you look like a boy. Shoulder-length hair is good for pulling a bit. Then there is hair down to your ass, which will take too long to get ready and will undoubtedly get in the way. Everything in between is the same haircut just grown out.” It couldn’t be possible that guys didn’t notice the difference after a $200 trip to the hair salon. Over lunch one day, I decided to dig deeper. What other wisdom might Noah impart to me as he attacked his Chipotle burrito?
    â€œNoah, today’s topic: shoes. What do men really like?”
I was curious, because I mistrusted Megan’s claim that men preferred heels. Instead I leaned toward the theory that the confidence I gained by being able to walk outweighed the sex appeal of an extra few inches.
    â€œShoes ?” Noah took a chug of his Coke. “They cover your feet. Like hair, they come in three types. There are flat shoes you can run in, heels that make your legs look hot, and boots for rain and snow. We may notice the difference between red, black, and white shoes, but there are no middle shades. Baubles, bells, and decorations, you can be certain we don’t see.”
    I took notes on my napkin. Shoes: boots fine, colorblind
    â€œOkay then, what about lingerie?” I asked, boldly crossing into suggestive territory.
    â€œWhat, like what color should it be?”
    â€œYeah, I guess. And does it make a difference whether it’s expensive or not?” I’d seen some decent-looking lingerie in the window of Joyce Leslie for only $14.99.
    â€œHonestly, I think we couldn’t care less what it looks like. I’ve had many women ask me what kind of lingerie I like most. It’s like wrapping paper on a Christmas present, and men are like kids. We can’t wait to rip it off and get to the fun part. So yeah, you look hot in it. Amazing in fact. But we notice that the package is wrapped, not the pattern on the paper.”
    Lingerie: cheap
    â€œAnd while we’re on the topic,” Noah outlined my outfit with his finger in the air. “I can’t stand the latest dress-over-jeans
fad. Don’t put on jeans that flaunt your ass and make it look great and then cover it up with a tent. I mean, it’s different for you because you’re not trying to attract dudes, but this mix-and-match style drives men crazy. And another thing,” Noah continued (clearly I’d unleashed the dragon). “Don’t yell at us for checking you out in spandex and running gear. You are actually naked save for a two-millimeter layer of clothing. What do you expect us to do? Men check out women as more of a pastime, perhaps the way women window-shop for shoes. We’re thinking, Oh, that looks nice, and then it’s out of our mind as we move on to the next person walking down the street. In no way does it mean we’re not satisfied in our relationship. I look at women and cars the same way.”
    â€œAlright then, what exactly are you guys looking for then? In a relationship?” I asked, perched on the edge of my seat.
    â€œWhat dudes are really looking for is a girl that looks hot on Sunday morning in sweatpants and a hoodie. Anyone can put on makeup and nice clothes and look great. We want a girl who looks sexy while she is helping us paint the house. All we really want to do is eat, sleep, do a little work that makes us feel manly, have fun, and do it all over again. And we sure as hell don’t need to fill silence with words. A ride with my guy friends to the beach equals loud music, an occasional funny story, and a grunt here and there. We give one-word answers, pound fast food, slurp down sodas, and arrive. A ride with my girlfriend is exhausting. I feel like we have to throw the
conversation ball back and forth from the time I start the car until I put it in park. You females are always criticizing men for being simple. The thing is, we never argued with you!”
    â€œNoah?” I asked,