I want to speak, but I don’t know if she’ll cry at the sound of my voice. I want to do a lot of things, but I don’t know how she’ll react.
I finally build up the courage to do something; so I touch her. I touch her hand and then move up to her forearm, where she had markings from previous cuts. I touch the outline of each cut and when I do, they each tell a story. Some scream; some cry; others even laugh. But the worst cut is the one that I caused—the one that is wrapped in white bandage. The reason she’s here. The fatal cut. I can’t touch it, but I feel its tragedy. I finally find the words to say to her.
“I am…so…so…sorry, Taylor.” My voice cracks. I let a few tears fall. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way…I didn’t mean it. And I know it may not matter to you now—or ever—but I love you. I really do. I want to forgive myself but…I can’t because…I don’t know if you’ve forgiven me yet. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself. You’re an amazing person…and you didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry…so…so…so…sorry.”
I hesitate for a while before continuing, “I want you to still love me. I know that may sound really selfish right now, but I don’t know if…I can live with knowing that you no longer love me. I know I don’t deserve for you to love me…but in life, we don’t deserve a lot of things. And your love is one of them…and right now, I’m being selfish…because I have to be. I need you to help me through this mess that I created. So I’m asking you to stay…with me. And to love me like nothing ever happened…and I realize that’s a horrible thing to ask. But I am selfish…and I can’t lose you.” I feel broken and I feel an ounce of anger.
She never looks at me, nor does she speak. But I see a tear fall and I know that means she heard me. I know that means she still cares.
And that is all that matters
…
Taylor
M ason walks out crying. I know he saw the tear fall from my eye and I regret that. I didn’t want to show him any emotion, but it was hard. It has always been hard to hide my feelings from Mason. He says all the right things, and I believe that he didn’t mean it, but I can’t forgive him. He embarrassed me; he made me embarrass myself. And if I go back…
I love him
. I can’t even deny that in my thoughts. I love Mason Taylor, and that just won’t go away, ever. He gave me someplace to go in life; he made me believe in love and fairy tales. But he also stopped me in my tracks and made me resent storybooks. I love him and hate him at the same time. Is that possible? Can you love and hate someone at the same time? And is it fifty-fifty or some other fraction?
And Peyton
. What does he mean by “tried to protect” me? From what? He crushed me. He stepped on my heart and gave it to Mason to throw out. I hate him, too. I am who I am because of him. He made me better; but he also helped me to end up here.
Jackson. He says he’ll be here no matter what. What happened to forever? I didn’t know it was so short. He was the one who kept me going; but he forgot to charge me up when I needed him to.
So many disappointments; and here I am.
They took me up to the psychiatric department after Mason left. The only good thing is that I have my own room; the bad part is that all I can do is think, and I don’t want to. They try to get me to talk, the doctors. But I refuse. They even started me on medicinethat I fight taking every day. Why can’t they just leave me alone? Why couldn’t Mason just let me bleed out and die? Why did he have to play the hero, when he’s really the villain in this story? I won’t eat and I barely sleep. I only cry. No one has called, since I can’t have any phone calls and I can’t have any visitors until they feel that I am better. Who are they to tell me if I’m better or worse?
I doubt my family even cares about me. Eva and Henry probably prayed for me to die. I guess they didn’t pray hard
I finally build up the courage to do something; so I touch her. I touch her hand and then move up to her forearm, where she had markings from previous cuts. I touch the outline of each cut and when I do, they each tell a story. Some scream; some cry; others even laugh. But the worst cut is the one that I caused—the one that is wrapped in white bandage. The reason she’s here. The fatal cut. I can’t touch it, but I feel its tragedy. I finally find the words to say to her.
“I am…so…so…sorry, Taylor.” My voice cracks. I let a few tears fall. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way…I didn’t mean it. And I know it may not matter to you now—or ever—but I love you. I really do. I want to forgive myself but…I can’t because…I don’t know if you’ve forgiven me yet. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself. You’re an amazing person…and you didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry…so…so…so…sorry.”
I hesitate for a while before continuing, “I want you to still love me. I know that may sound really selfish right now, but I don’t know if…I can live with knowing that you no longer love me. I know I don’t deserve for you to love me…but in life, we don’t deserve a lot of things. And your love is one of them…and right now, I’m being selfish…because I have to be. I need you to help me through this mess that I created. So I’m asking you to stay…with me. And to love me like nothing ever happened…and I realize that’s a horrible thing to ask. But I am selfish…and I can’t lose you.” I feel broken and I feel an ounce of anger.
She never looks at me, nor does she speak. But I see a tear fall and I know that means she heard me. I know that means she still cares.
And that is all that matters
…
Taylor
M ason walks out crying. I know he saw the tear fall from my eye and I regret that. I didn’t want to show him any emotion, but it was hard. It has always been hard to hide my feelings from Mason. He says all the right things, and I believe that he didn’t mean it, but I can’t forgive him. He embarrassed me; he made me embarrass myself. And if I go back…
I love him
. I can’t even deny that in my thoughts. I love Mason Taylor, and that just won’t go away, ever. He gave me someplace to go in life; he made me believe in love and fairy tales. But he also stopped me in my tracks and made me resent storybooks. I love him and hate him at the same time. Is that possible? Can you love and hate someone at the same time? And is it fifty-fifty or some other fraction?
And Peyton
. What does he mean by “tried to protect” me? From what? He crushed me. He stepped on my heart and gave it to Mason to throw out. I hate him, too. I am who I am because of him. He made me better; but he also helped me to end up here.
Jackson. He says he’ll be here no matter what. What happened to forever? I didn’t know it was so short. He was the one who kept me going; but he forgot to charge me up when I needed him to.
So many disappointments; and here I am.
They took me up to the psychiatric department after Mason left. The only good thing is that I have my own room; the bad part is that all I can do is think, and I don’t want to. They try to get me to talk, the doctors. But I refuse. They even started me on medicinethat I fight taking every day. Why can’t they just leave me alone? Why couldn’t Mason just let me bleed out and die? Why did he have to play the hero, when he’s really the villain in this story? I won’t eat and I barely sleep. I only cry. No one has called, since I can’t have any phone calls and I can’t have any visitors until they feel that I am better. Who are they to tell me if I’m better or worse?
I doubt my family even cares about me. Eva and Henry probably prayed for me to die. I guess they didn’t pray hard
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