A Phule and His Money by Robert Asprin, Peter J. Heck
Authors: Robert Asprin, Peter J. Heck
Tags: Fiction, General, Suspense, Science-Fiction, Action & Adventure, SF, Space Opera, Life on other planets, Science fiction; American, Robots, Phule's Company (Fictitious characters)
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he was a poor boy. And he can help you make your comeback, yes he can!"
"How's he gonna do that?" came a voice from the back of the audience.
"Well, that's what I'm here to tell y'all," said Rev, grinning broadly now. "On account of he spent so many years in Vegas, the King knew how folks could get in over their heads at the casinos. Losin' money they couldn't afford to lose, bettin' on somethin' they thought was a sure thing. Takin' out loans at bad interest rates to pay off their tabs, or sellin' all their valuables. Well, I've found out that some of y'all are in that same fix. And here's what I'm a-gonna do. Every one of you who comes forward and pledges to follow the King, the Church will pay your gamblin' debts in full, one lump sum-you'll be on that comeback trail right there and then. How's that sound, now?"
"That sounds too good to be true," came the same voice from the back-of the room. The speaker rose to his feet, and everybody turned to see Do-Wop standing there, a suspicious look on his face. "Ain't no free rides, not where I come from. So what's the catch, Rev? I'm in far enough over my head to grab anything that floats. But I wasn't born yesterday. I want to hear the whole swindle-what do I have to do if the King pays off my tab?"
"Why, I'd think that's understood, son," said Rev. "You would be promisin' to become one of his faithful followers. To do like he said, and bring the message to other folks, too."
"I figured that much out by myself," said Do-Wop, his arms folded across his chest. "So what's the scam? Lay it on me, Rev, so I figure out whether to bite or not." He stood there expectantly, and the assembled legionnaires fell silent, waiting for the answer.
"You've got to be a true follower," said Rev. "That means you have to make a pilgrimage to Graceland, back on old Earth-you can't be a full believer till you've done that. And it means making yourself in his image. His faithful often have plastic surgery to be more perfect, although it's not required right away. And..."
"Hold on, Rev," said Do-Wop. "Plastic surgery? I gotta change the way I look?"
"That's right, son, changing the way you look is a way to change the way you act, so you won't be cruel. After everything the King is gonna do for you, it's the least you can do to show how you appreciate him. Why, I've had the operation myself-take a look." Rev turned one side of his face to the audience, then the other, before looking back at Do-Wop and smiling. "Now, what do you say, son?"
Do-Wop looked at the chaplain, his face an unreadable mask. The room was dead silent, as everyone waited for him to speak.
Finally, he looked at Rev and said, "Man, I can't do it. Count me out-I owe Sushi enough to send him on that trip to Greaseland, but I guess I gotta pay it off myself."
"What?" said Rev, his jaw dropping. "Why? What could possibly be wrong with my offer?"
Do-Wop looked him squarely in the eye and said, "Rev, the way I see it, you're offering me a face worse than debt."
The crowd dissolved in laughter.
6
Journal #307
My employer was confident that a focus on the company's military priorities would allow his people to forget about the external problems, which would then more or less resolve themselves. As I had feared, this belief turned out to be over-optimistic. In fact, the problems remained on the edge of everyone's awareness, putting the entire command cadre into a constant state of anxiety that something would boil over into an outright crisis.
The only two who seemed unaffected by the ongoing crises were Flight Leftenant Qual, who went around the hotel observing and making enigmatic comments; and Chaplain Rev, who despite Do-Wop's public refusal of his offer to pay off gambling debts, seemed to be winning a fair number of converts. For the rest, it was chaos as usual...
"OK, rookies, fall in," shouted Brandy. The new recruits hastily assembled themselves into a formation-most with a helter-skelter clumsiness she hoped they'd
"How's he gonna do that?" came a voice from the back of the audience.
"Well, that's what I'm here to tell y'all," said Rev, grinning broadly now. "On account of he spent so many years in Vegas, the King knew how folks could get in over their heads at the casinos. Losin' money they couldn't afford to lose, bettin' on somethin' they thought was a sure thing. Takin' out loans at bad interest rates to pay off their tabs, or sellin' all their valuables. Well, I've found out that some of y'all are in that same fix. And here's what I'm a-gonna do. Every one of you who comes forward and pledges to follow the King, the Church will pay your gamblin' debts in full, one lump sum-you'll be on that comeback trail right there and then. How's that sound, now?"
"That sounds too good to be true," came the same voice from the back-of the room. The speaker rose to his feet, and everybody turned to see Do-Wop standing there, a suspicious look on his face. "Ain't no free rides, not where I come from. So what's the catch, Rev? I'm in far enough over my head to grab anything that floats. But I wasn't born yesterday. I want to hear the whole swindle-what do I have to do if the King pays off my tab?"
"Why, I'd think that's understood, son," said Rev. "You would be promisin' to become one of his faithful followers. To do like he said, and bring the message to other folks, too."
"I figured that much out by myself," said Do-Wop, his arms folded across his chest. "So what's the scam? Lay it on me, Rev, so I figure out whether to bite or not." He stood there expectantly, and the assembled legionnaires fell silent, waiting for the answer.
"You've got to be a true follower," said Rev. "That means you have to make a pilgrimage to Graceland, back on old Earth-you can't be a full believer till you've done that. And it means making yourself in his image. His faithful often have plastic surgery to be more perfect, although it's not required right away. And..."
"Hold on, Rev," said Do-Wop. "Plastic surgery? I gotta change the way I look?"
"That's right, son, changing the way you look is a way to change the way you act, so you won't be cruel. After everything the King is gonna do for you, it's the least you can do to show how you appreciate him. Why, I've had the operation myself-take a look." Rev turned one side of his face to the audience, then the other, before looking back at Do-Wop and smiling. "Now, what do you say, son?"
Do-Wop looked at the chaplain, his face an unreadable mask. The room was dead silent, as everyone waited for him to speak.
Finally, he looked at Rev and said, "Man, I can't do it. Count me out-I owe Sushi enough to send him on that trip to Greaseland, but I guess I gotta pay it off myself."
"What?" said Rev, his jaw dropping. "Why? What could possibly be wrong with my offer?"
Do-Wop looked him squarely in the eye and said, "Rev, the way I see it, you're offering me a face worse than debt."
The crowd dissolved in laughter.
6
Journal #307
My employer was confident that a focus on the company's military priorities would allow his people to forget about the external problems, which would then more or less resolve themselves. As I had feared, this belief turned out to be over-optimistic. In fact, the problems remained on the edge of everyone's awareness, putting the entire command cadre into a constant state of anxiety that something would boil over into an outright crisis.
The only two who seemed unaffected by the ongoing crises were Flight Leftenant Qual, who went around the hotel observing and making enigmatic comments; and Chaplain Rev, who despite Do-Wop's public refusal of his offer to pay off gambling debts, seemed to be winning a fair number of converts. For the rest, it was chaos as usual...
"OK, rookies, fall in," shouted Brandy. The new recruits hastily assembled themselves into a formation-most with a helter-skelter clumsiness she hoped they'd
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