A Notion of Love by Abbie Williams

include Christopher, and I would wake to wonder if he was somehow thinking of me from heaven. Today, however, my cheeks were hot as coals imagining myself starring in a similar dream. Justin and Dodge had come in for coffee, as per usual, and to meet Blythe. Justin was wearing his work shirt, which was undone enough that I could see a little of his hairy chest. My fingertips literally tingled to touch him, picturing how he’d looked at me in the dream. How I’d touched him under the water. I’d seen his bare chest a million times in my youth, though not so much in the past years of adulthood. And here I was, imagining myself undoing—no, ripping—the rest of those buttons free and then…
    In the bustle of everyone, I didn’t actually have to talk to Justin, which was an enormous relief at the moment. Though I kept shooting sidelong gazes at him, I didn’t know if I’d be able to meet his eyes directly without pushing everything from between us, forcibly, jumping in his arms and kissing him as he’d been about to kiss me before I woke up. I noticed every movement he made though. Just before he and Dodge left for the filling station he caught me as my back was turned. I jumped a little when, from behind me, he said, “Hey, Jills, can you refill me quick?”
    I’d had my back turned, messing with the coffeepot, and when I faced him it was with a smooth, calm expression. But then I saw that he was grinning at me, as though he knew a secret, and I swallowed hard and felt a blush begin to burn over my cheeks once more.
    â€œTime to switch to decaf,” he teased, holding out his travel mug for me to splash full.
    His black eyebrows quirked up as I hesitated, staring up at him.
    Jillian , I scolded myself. Pull it together.
    His hair was always disheveled, like he’d tried to brush through it but hadn’t quite found time to finish. It was wavy, not curly, and practically begged for me to sink my hands into it.
    â€œHere, I’ll help,” he said, again sounding amused with me. And to my chagrin, he put his hand around mine on the handle of the coffeepot and filled his mug.
    My heart just about beat through my chest. And Justin, damn him, gave me a little half-grin, saying, “Thanks, Jills,” before heading after Dodge to go to work.
    I wanted to put my head in my arms on the counter.
    ***
    Much later that evening I sat on the dock, overwhelmed by a gloom that I envisioned hovering over me and trailing streaky rain wherever I went. My thoughts swirled around in a semi-panic; I was thinking of my motives for convincing Jo to stay in Landon, that her marriage wasn’t worth fighting for. Jackson had cheated, proving himself utterly untrustworthy. If that wasn’t enough to end a relationship, what was? But Mom had me second-guessing myself. Besides, what if Jo didn’t want to stay here? Was it selfish for me to hope that she would? Realistically I knew that I couldn’t make my happiness dependent on what my sister chose to do. I tipped my forehead against my fingertips for a moment. Goddammit, I was lonely. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was also thinking about my son, who had mentioned something about college just a few days ago. God, he’d be gone from Landon before I knew it. That’s what this was really about. The loneliness that had been punching me in the stomach for attention lately.
    When footsteps reverberated behind me I didn’t turn around, assuming maybe Mom was taking pity on me, maybe bringing me a beer. At the last second I realized that Mom would have a much lighter tread and looked up just as Justin stopped and stood regarding me with a somber expression that matched my own. My heart flared desperately to life as I stared up at him, as it’d been doing with embarrassing regularity lately, suddenly terribly self-conscious of my grease-spattered jean shorts and limp tank top that I’d been wearing all day