fell in love. However, Gary
still couldn't face the truth publicly, so in order to hide the reality from
everyone else, he married Pam who had been a friend of a friend. He confided
the terror he felt whenever he imagined someone finding out. Yet he couldn't
stay away from places like the Stonewall.
"Are you
involved with anyone now?" I asked.
"Yes, sure, I'm involved ,
as you say, with about a hundred nameless, faceless young boys. A new one every
night, Cuz." His hair usually combed back smoothly, fell over his
forehead. His gaze rested on the carpet in front of him.
"Does Pam
know?" I asked.
"No, but she
doesn't understand why I don't find her attractive. She tries to get me into
bed and when she fails, she drinks. She drinks a lot. And she's a lousy mother.
And I blame myself for it all."
"Gary, quit
being so hard on yourself. You've been caught in an intolerable
situation." I said. "Are you sure staying married is the right
thing?"
"You know when I
moved here, I thought it would all work itself out. There were actually places
for me to go where I could meet others like me. Then the raids began, and even
though I got scared, I still kept going back because for once in my life, I
felt like I could manage both areas of my life."
"What happened
to the man in Chicago?"
"He didn't think
I should marry Pam. He also didn't like the fact that I found it impossible to
be faithful to him. Once I admitted I was gay, I couldn't get enough. So he
decided to leave when I got married."
"What now,
Gary?"
"I think now I'd
like to try again with Pam and the baby. I don't have anyone special in my
life, and I can't go back to the Stonewall. Maybe I can succeed at being a
better father than Philip."
"Are you sure?
You can shut off the other just like that?"
"I can damn well
try, Ed. I certainly can't let anyone else know that I'm a homosexual. I know I
don't have to ask you to not tell my big bad secret."
"Of course not.
If you do give it one more try with Pam, promise me one thing. The minute you
know it's not going to work, leave. Don't hurt Pam anymore."
"But if I leave,
what happens to Kristina?"
I didn't have an
answer to that question. What would happen to Kristina if she was left with a
mother who didn't love her, at least not the way a mother should love a
daughter.
As light began to
edge its way into the windows, Gary and I prepared for sleep. I looked over at my
cousin lying on the couch. I suddenly realized I hat was wrong with my novel. The
story belonged to Gary, not to Pam.
He sits at the bar
alone with his thoughts when he notices him sitting at a table, also alone.
Their eyes meet for a split second, and they know. He picks up his drink and
moves closer. As he sits down at the table to introduce himself, the front
door of the bar slams open and several blue-suited policemen enter. He pushes
his chair back and tries to sneak out the back way, but he is caught with no
escape.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Kristina and I sat
for a long time holding one another. I broke the spell when I reached for the
lamp on the table next to us and turned it on.
"Ed, you know
you told me about your first marriage. But what about your second one?"
Kristina asked.
I sighed. This
creature before me was not going to let me forget the past. Why not tell her?
After all, without her knowing it, she sparked a memory from my wedding to
Kelsey that involved Kristina as a young toddler; a memory I relived when she
touched the side of my face gently in an effort to comfort me.
I went back to
Michigan in August of 1969 hoping everything would work out for Gary and Pam.
After Gary's arrest, I saw them frequently that summer on the weekends when
either I would take the train out to their house for a barbecue, or they would
both come into the city for a show. Then afterwards the three of us would have
a slumber party in my one room apartment. As far as I could tell, Gary never
stayed in the city without Pam after Stonewall.
Pam even slowed down
on
still couldn't face the truth publicly, so in order to hide the reality from
everyone else, he married Pam who had been a friend of a friend. He confided
the terror he felt whenever he imagined someone finding out. Yet he couldn't
stay away from places like the Stonewall.
"Are you
involved with anyone now?" I asked.
"Yes, sure, I'm involved ,
as you say, with about a hundred nameless, faceless young boys. A new one every
night, Cuz." His hair usually combed back smoothly, fell over his
forehead. His gaze rested on the carpet in front of him.
"Does Pam
know?" I asked.
"No, but she
doesn't understand why I don't find her attractive. She tries to get me into
bed and when she fails, she drinks. She drinks a lot. And she's a lousy mother.
And I blame myself for it all."
"Gary, quit
being so hard on yourself. You've been caught in an intolerable
situation." I said. "Are you sure staying married is the right
thing?"
"You know when I
moved here, I thought it would all work itself out. There were actually places
for me to go where I could meet others like me. Then the raids began, and even
though I got scared, I still kept going back because for once in my life, I
felt like I could manage both areas of my life."
"What happened
to the man in Chicago?"
"He didn't think
I should marry Pam. He also didn't like the fact that I found it impossible to
be faithful to him. Once I admitted I was gay, I couldn't get enough. So he
decided to leave when I got married."
"What now,
Gary?"
"I think now I'd
like to try again with Pam and the baby. I don't have anyone special in my
life, and I can't go back to the Stonewall. Maybe I can succeed at being a
better father than Philip."
"Are you sure?
You can shut off the other just like that?"
"I can damn well
try, Ed. I certainly can't let anyone else know that I'm a homosexual. I know I
don't have to ask you to not tell my big bad secret."
"Of course not.
If you do give it one more try with Pam, promise me one thing. The minute you
know it's not going to work, leave. Don't hurt Pam anymore."
"But if I leave,
what happens to Kristina?"
I didn't have an
answer to that question. What would happen to Kristina if she was left with a
mother who didn't love her, at least not the way a mother should love a
daughter.
As light began to
edge its way into the windows, Gary and I prepared for sleep. I looked over at my
cousin lying on the couch. I suddenly realized I hat was wrong with my novel. The
story belonged to Gary, not to Pam.
He sits at the bar
alone with his thoughts when he notices him sitting at a table, also alone.
Their eyes meet for a split second, and they know. He picks up his drink and
moves closer. As he sits down at the table to introduce himself, the front
door of the bar slams open and several blue-suited policemen enter. He pushes
his chair back and tries to sneak out the back way, but he is caught with no
escape.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Kristina and I sat
for a long time holding one another. I broke the spell when I reached for the
lamp on the table next to us and turned it on.
"Ed, you know
you told me about your first marriage. But what about your second one?"
Kristina asked.
I sighed. This
creature before me was not going to let me forget the past. Why not tell her?
After all, without her knowing it, she sparked a memory from my wedding to
Kelsey that involved Kristina as a young toddler; a memory I relived when she
touched the side of my face gently in an effort to comfort me.
I went back to
Michigan in August of 1969 hoping everything would work out for Gary and Pam.
After Gary's arrest, I saw them frequently that summer on the weekends when
either I would take the train out to their house for a barbecue, or they would
both come into the city for a show. Then afterwards the three of us would have
a slumber party in my one room apartment. As far as I could tell, Gary never
stayed in the city without Pam after Stonewall.
Pam even slowed down
on
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