excuses. You’ve put in enough time, just…” she said, but trailed off as she put her small hand to my face. “Don’t wait so long to come home again, Ethan. Please?” I saw the pain in her eyes as she thought about not seeing me again and I put my hand over hers.
“How about I come to brunch every other Sunday while I’m in Chicago, even if it’s just to hang out with you beforehand?” I suggested and her face lit up. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll want to stay, but we’ll have some time together in any case.”
“I’d like that, Ethan. I know your father would too,” she said, kissing me softly on the cheek before walking me to the door.
The drive back to Lexi and Jayden’s took the same amount of time, but it seemed longer. Unlike the trip to my parents’ house where I was dreading my arrival and the trip took no time at all, I was anxious to get home. It was strange how little time it took for me to feel at home with them, even with their sub in the house. It just felt right being with them, I couldn’t explain it, even to myself.
I sat in the living room and talked to Lexi and Jayden for about half an hour about the visit to my parents’ house. They were both pleased that it went well. Before long, I felt the need to write about things for a while. They both understood and I headed upstairs and sat down at my desk. Opening my leather-bound journal, which I found wickedly appropriate, I started to write.
Chapter 6
Journal Entry: Self-Awareness
I am gay.
There is still some conflict in my head as to how or when it happened, but there is no escaping the inevitable conclusion. I feel an attraction for Jayden, I feel an attraction for Gabriel, but I don’t feel that kind of encompassing pull towards Lexi, nor did I feel it with any other girls. I have known for some time, but haven’t let myself have that flash of realization until my mother told me that it was okay to have it. She helped me to discover that part of myself and I think I’m grateful for it.
I guess the only real question that I have is, how am I able to have sex with women if I’m attracted to men? Does that make me bisexual? I’m sure that there are others that have pondered this question; that actually gives me some comfort – maybe I’m not too far from the norm after all. I have to look at it from a relationship standpoint, I guess. Would I want any kind of long term relationship with a man? I think that I would. I could see myself being happy with a man. However, I could not see myself in a long term relationship with a woman. I could see sex, but not anything resembling a romantic connection. Maybe the definition of sexuality lies in the intent.
I’m beginning to wonder if there are absolute lines for sexuality anyway.
Are people really 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight, or do we all fall someplace in the middle?
I got a text from Gabriel asking me if tomorrow was okay. I agreed and, now, I have my first date.
Lexi and I will certainly have to have a long discussion on making small talk. I’m nervous about taking that first step towards a normal relationship. Should I tell him that I’m a Dom? Would he be in to that type of lifestyle? What if he isn’t? What if he has a dominant personality too? How do people deal with all of these different factors in a relationship? Is it just because my life is so much more complicated?
I have a feeling it’s about to become a lot more complicated.
“Ethan?” Lexi asked from the door. I looked up as she entered. “Something else happened at the brunch too, didn’t it? Something you don’t want to talk about in front of Jayden?” She was wickedly astute; it was always one of the things I liked most about her, certainly one of the things that had helped us to become friends. She always knew when I needed to talk, when I needed my friend Lexi instead of my sub Lexi. Sitting down in the chair on the other side of the side table, she pulled her legs up underneath
“How about I come to brunch every other Sunday while I’m in Chicago, even if it’s just to hang out with you beforehand?” I suggested and her face lit up. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll want to stay, but we’ll have some time together in any case.”
“I’d like that, Ethan. I know your father would too,” she said, kissing me softly on the cheek before walking me to the door.
The drive back to Lexi and Jayden’s took the same amount of time, but it seemed longer. Unlike the trip to my parents’ house where I was dreading my arrival and the trip took no time at all, I was anxious to get home. It was strange how little time it took for me to feel at home with them, even with their sub in the house. It just felt right being with them, I couldn’t explain it, even to myself.
I sat in the living room and talked to Lexi and Jayden for about half an hour about the visit to my parents’ house. They were both pleased that it went well. Before long, I felt the need to write about things for a while. They both understood and I headed upstairs and sat down at my desk. Opening my leather-bound journal, which I found wickedly appropriate, I started to write.
Chapter 6
Journal Entry: Self-Awareness
I am gay.
There is still some conflict in my head as to how or when it happened, but there is no escaping the inevitable conclusion. I feel an attraction for Jayden, I feel an attraction for Gabriel, but I don’t feel that kind of encompassing pull towards Lexi, nor did I feel it with any other girls. I have known for some time, but haven’t let myself have that flash of realization until my mother told me that it was okay to have it. She helped me to discover that part of myself and I think I’m grateful for it.
I guess the only real question that I have is, how am I able to have sex with women if I’m attracted to men? Does that make me bisexual? I’m sure that there are others that have pondered this question; that actually gives me some comfort – maybe I’m not too far from the norm after all. I have to look at it from a relationship standpoint, I guess. Would I want any kind of long term relationship with a man? I think that I would. I could see myself being happy with a man. However, I could not see myself in a long term relationship with a woman. I could see sex, but not anything resembling a romantic connection. Maybe the definition of sexuality lies in the intent.
I’m beginning to wonder if there are absolute lines for sexuality anyway.
Are people really 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight, or do we all fall someplace in the middle?
I got a text from Gabriel asking me if tomorrow was okay. I agreed and, now, I have my first date.
Lexi and I will certainly have to have a long discussion on making small talk. I’m nervous about taking that first step towards a normal relationship. Should I tell him that I’m a Dom? Would he be in to that type of lifestyle? What if he isn’t? What if he has a dominant personality too? How do people deal with all of these different factors in a relationship? Is it just because my life is so much more complicated?
I have a feeling it’s about to become a lot more complicated.
“Ethan?” Lexi asked from the door. I looked up as she entered. “Something else happened at the brunch too, didn’t it? Something you don’t want to talk about in front of Jayden?” She was wickedly astute; it was always one of the things I liked most about her, certainly one of the things that had helped us to become friends. She always knew when I needed to talk, when I needed my friend Lexi instead of my sub Lexi. Sitting down in the chair on the other side of the side table, she pulled her legs up underneath
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