had cut the heads off these men and women. They belonged on their bodies, I thought.
The stench in the heat was unbearable. I did not want to be there for even a minute. I felt tears coming from my eyes, and a tightening in my throat was cutting off the air flow. Even though I closed my eyes, the pile of heads, legs, and hands with no fingers was still there in my brain, sending pictures to my eyes.
I looked at those two guys with their faces behind their bandannas. Those who carry a gun are the most cowardly of all, I thought, because they cannot protect themselves without it.
I did not have a gun for killing them. I had no shovel to cover those lost souls with earth. And I had no ability to ask for any of those things.
The two guys pushed us into a room at the end of the courtyard. It was damp and smelled of blood. He locked the door after us. The walls were covered with writing in chalk and charcoal. Someone had written, “Once you come to this room, you will not leave alive. This was my brother’s fate, and it will be mine.”
On one side of a wall was written, “Don’t be afraid of death. You were born one day, and you will die one day.”
Another person had written, “No matter how much you have prepared yourself, there is no guarantee for the future.” I closed my eyes so I would not have to read any more of them.
An eerie feeling inside me was getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to scream, “If you kill me, I will be one of these heads, but it is unkind to show me these hundreds of innocents whom I did not know.” I was too afraid to scream, though. My voice hid inside my chest. I did not dare to say a word.
I kept my eyes tightly closed, trying to force what I had seen from my mind. Silence filled the room until Grandfather spoke in a strange voice.
“You have to find a way to survive. And the secret of survival is to open your eyes. Closed eyes can never see the path.” I slowly opened my eyes to see Grandfather down on one knee in front of me so that his face was level with mine. He looked very shaken. “If they kill me and keep you, you have to promise me to find your way home.”
“Why will they keep me and kill you, and why are you saying all these things? I’m not going anywhere without you,” I said defiantly.
“I’m old, and they don’t need me. But they will need you for work, or for their sexual pleasure,” my grandfather said.
He could see the confusion in my eyes. “I don’t have to tell you what that is, but when the time comes you’ll know it. They may use you for a while, but you must find an opportunity to escape. I’m sure you can do that. Don’t show them that you are smart. Always act stupid.”
“No, no, don’t tell me that you can’t come with me. Please stop,” I said. I never liked crying but was afraid I might start, and I did not want Grandfather to see that, because maybe he would call me “fountain eyes,” the way my older sister did to get back at me for saying the same thing about her.
“Just listen to me. We may not have another chance to talk again. If these people here make you very unhappy with your life, you may think that killing yourself is the best way to overcome all your sorrows. But believe me, it is not,” Grandfather sternly said. It was the first time he had ever spoken to me like that.
“You have to be a brave boy, and if they do kill you, accept the death with open arms, and never beg for your life, because in the end death gets us all one way or another.”
“Before they kill me, I want to see my family once more, I want to say goodbyes to them, and I want to tell them I love them,” I said. My voice choked as I spoke.
I started remembering my father’s jokes, my mother’s smile, and my sisters’ innocent looks. I remembered sitting around one tablecloth with my parents and sisters, eating breakfast and laughing.
He stared into my eyes for a moment, then said, “The past is like water that flows in a river, you
The stench in the heat was unbearable. I did not want to be there for even a minute. I felt tears coming from my eyes, and a tightening in my throat was cutting off the air flow. Even though I closed my eyes, the pile of heads, legs, and hands with no fingers was still there in my brain, sending pictures to my eyes.
I looked at those two guys with their faces behind their bandannas. Those who carry a gun are the most cowardly of all, I thought, because they cannot protect themselves without it.
I did not have a gun for killing them. I had no shovel to cover those lost souls with earth. And I had no ability to ask for any of those things.
The two guys pushed us into a room at the end of the courtyard. It was damp and smelled of blood. He locked the door after us. The walls were covered with writing in chalk and charcoal. Someone had written, “Once you come to this room, you will not leave alive. This was my brother’s fate, and it will be mine.”
On one side of a wall was written, “Don’t be afraid of death. You were born one day, and you will die one day.”
Another person had written, “No matter how much you have prepared yourself, there is no guarantee for the future.” I closed my eyes so I would not have to read any more of them.
An eerie feeling inside me was getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to scream, “If you kill me, I will be one of these heads, but it is unkind to show me these hundreds of innocents whom I did not know.” I was too afraid to scream, though. My voice hid inside my chest. I did not dare to say a word.
I kept my eyes tightly closed, trying to force what I had seen from my mind. Silence filled the room until Grandfather spoke in a strange voice.
“You have to find a way to survive. And the secret of survival is to open your eyes. Closed eyes can never see the path.” I slowly opened my eyes to see Grandfather down on one knee in front of me so that his face was level with mine. He looked very shaken. “If they kill me and keep you, you have to promise me to find your way home.”
“Why will they keep me and kill you, and why are you saying all these things? I’m not going anywhere without you,” I said defiantly.
“I’m old, and they don’t need me. But they will need you for work, or for their sexual pleasure,” my grandfather said.
He could see the confusion in my eyes. “I don’t have to tell you what that is, but when the time comes you’ll know it. They may use you for a while, but you must find an opportunity to escape. I’m sure you can do that. Don’t show them that you are smart. Always act stupid.”
“No, no, don’t tell me that you can’t come with me. Please stop,” I said. I never liked crying but was afraid I might start, and I did not want Grandfather to see that, because maybe he would call me “fountain eyes,” the way my older sister did to get back at me for saying the same thing about her.
“Just listen to me. We may not have another chance to talk again. If these people here make you very unhappy with your life, you may think that killing yourself is the best way to overcome all your sorrows. But believe me, it is not,” Grandfather sternly said. It was the first time he had ever spoken to me like that.
“You have to be a brave boy, and if they do kill you, accept the death with open arms, and never beg for your life, because in the end death gets us all one way or another.”
“Before they kill me, I want to see my family once more, I want to say goodbyes to them, and I want to tell them I love them,” I said. My voice choked as I spoke.
I started remembering my father’s jokes, my mother’s smile, and my sisters’ innocent looks. I remembered sitting around one tablecloth with my parents and sisters, eating breakfast and laughing.
He stared into my eyes for a moment, then said, “The past is like water that flows in a river, you
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