I’m not enough . . . for Dave?” Lacy felt tears well in her eyes. “I don’t want to make him miserable, and I certainly don’t want him to hate me.”
“I don’t think that’s even possible,” Patience declared, “but my advice to you is to be honest and talk to him. He’s a good man, Lacy. He won’t take advantage of your doubts.”
“It’s not merely doubt,” Lacy argued. “I have failed too many people to mark it off to doubt alone.”
“You may have convinced yourself that you’ve failed everyone, but that doesn’t mean you have.”
Lacy shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“Saying a thing doesn’t make it so.” Patience smiled and added, “No matter how many times you say it. On the other hand, if you choose to believe something for long enough, it has a way of altering your life. Consider Gwen and how she believed herself cursed. Do you see what I’m saying?”
The room closed in around them. Lacy felt a sense of confusion that only seemed to complicate her long-felt beliefs. “I don’t know.”
Patience put her arm around Lacy and led her back to the chair. “Sit. You look as though you might faint.”
Lacy did as she was told. She closed her eyes and settled back into the chair. “I used to think that Gwen was silly for her beliefs. Beth and I told her that such things were nonsense.”
“And what did she say?”
Looking up, Lacy drew a deep breath. “She said we didn’t understand. She said she’d made bad choices and that she was punished because of that.”
“And after that did you believe her? Did you think she was cursed?”
“No, but I had to admit strange things did happen. A lot of folks did die around us.”
Patience knelt beside Lacy. “That’s not surprising. People die, you know.” She gently took hold of Lacy’s hands. “Lacy, do you blame Gwen for Harvey’s death?”
“Of course not.” Lacy straightened. “He had the measles.”
“I know, but for a long time Gwen blamed herself and believed Harvey had died because of her curse.”
“But it wasn’t true.”
“So was it true that she was to blame for your mother’s death?”
Lacy stiffened and shook her head. “No, that was my fault.”
“Your fault that your mother lost too much blood to live?”
“But if I’d been able to find Pa, he would have known what to do.”
“No, Lacy. He wouldn’t have. Sometimes these things happen. It’s just like with Gwen looking for people to die around her, because some foolish woman told her that death would be her constant companion. You’re looking to fail because you believe that’s all you’re capable of.”
“But even you said we all fail.”
A smile crossed Patience’s lips. “And so we do. But when that is all we can think of—all that we focus on—we see failure in everything we do.”
Lacy thought back through her life and all of the times she’d disappointed those around her. “But I’ve made so many mistakes. It wasn’t just that I didn’t find Pa in time to save my mother; I’ve never acted in the way folks wanted. I’ve never been a proper lady like my sisters. My grandmother used to rant at me all the time. She would berate my father for letting me wear britches and ride astride.”
She closed her eyes and could see her grandmother’s disapproving scowl as she waggled her finger at Lacy. “Mark my words, no man is going to want a hoyden for a wife,” she’d told Lacy on more than one occasion.
“And it wasn’t just my grandmother. Every woman in my life disapproved. I disappointed them all.” She opened her eyes and met Patience’s observant gaze. “Dave doesn’t approve of me, either. He lets me know all the time that I need to act more ladylike.”
Patience laughed. “Dave realizes you are every inch a lady. That’s why sparks fly between you! He knows that the things you do—the work and manner in which you dress—are all part and parcel to being a woman living on the frontier.”
“I
“I don’t think that’s even possible,” Patience declared, “but my advice to you is to be honest and talk to him. He’s a good man, Lacy. He won’t take advantage of your doubts.”
“It’s not merely doubt,” Lacy argued. “I have failed too many people to mark it off to doubt alone.”
“You may have convinced yourself that you’ve failed everyone, but that doesn’t mean you have.”
Lacy shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“Saying a thing doesn’t make it so.” Patience smiled and added, “No matter how many times you say it. On the other hand, if you choose to believe something for long enough, it has a way of altering your life. Consider Gwen and how she believed herself cursed. Do you see what I’m saying?”
The room closed in around them. Lacy felt a sense of confusion that only seemed to complicate her long-felt beliefs. “I don’t know.”
Patience put her arm around Lacy and led her back to the chair. “Sit. You look as though you might faint.”
Lacy did as she was told. She closed her eyes and settled back into the chair. “I used to think that Gwen was silly for her beliefs. Beth and I told her that such things were nonsense.”
“And what did she say?”
Looking up, Lacy drew a deep breath. “She said we didn’t understand. She said she’d made bad choices and that she was punished because of that.”
“And after that did you believe her? Did you think she was cursed?”
“No, but I had to admit strange things did happen. A lot of folks did die around us.”
Patience knelt beside Lacy. “That’s not surprising. People die, you know.” She gently took hold of Lacy’s hands. “Lacy, do you blame Gwen for Harvey’s death?”
“Of course not.” Lacy straightened. “He had the measles.”
“I know, but for a long time Gwen blamed herself and believed Harvey had died because of her curse.”
“But it wasn’t true.”
“So was it true that she was to blame for your mother’s death?”
Lacy stiffened and shook her head. “No, that was my fault.”
“Your fault that your mother lost too much blood to live?”
“But if I’d been able to find Pa, he would have known what to do.”
“No, Lacy. He wouldn’t have. Sometimes these things happen. It’s just like with Gwen looking for people to die around her, because some foolish woman told her that death would be her constant companion. You’re looking to fail because you believe that’s all you’re capable of.”
“But even you said we all fail.”
A smile crossed Patience’s lips. “And so we do. But when that is all we can think of—all that we focus on—we see failure in everything we do.”
Lacy thought back through her life and all of the times she’d disappointed those around her. “But I’ve made so many mistakes. It wasn’t just that I didn’t find Pa in time to save my mother; I’ve never acted in the way folks wanted. I’ve never been a proper lady like my sisters. My grandmother used to rant at me all the time. She would berate my father for letting me wear britches and ride astride.”
She closed her eyes and could see her grandmother’s disapproving scowl as she waggled her finger at Lacy. “Mark my words, no man is going to want a hoyden for a wife,” she’d told Lacy on more than one occasion.
“And it wasn’t just my grandmother. Every woman in my life disapproved. I disappointed them all.” She opened her eyes and met Patience’s observant gaze. “Dave doesn’t approve of me, either. He lets me know all the time that I need to act more ladylike.”
Patience laughed. “Dave realizes you are every inch a lady. That’s why sparks fly between you! He knows that the things you do—the work and manner in which you dress—are all part and parcel to being a woman living on the frontier.”
“I
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