odds wir stacked up against me winnin, ah goat that awright, sur, did ah no?! So ah stoaped hingin aboot wi Boaby. Eh wis awright, a Herts boy, but eh got called a Fenian bastard cause thaire wis a Bobby Shand in the RIA. Then ah went n left Penicuik fir Gorgie.
Ah like Gorgie, but.
Ah like the McDonald’s. Aye sur. The Chicken McNuggets ur the bit ah like best, sur, aye they ur. Ah like the wey whin ye bite intae thum thir aw chewy, n no that greasy wey like a Kentucky Fried Chicken kin sometimes be. Ah like a Kentucky Fried Chicken whin ah’m in the mood but, usually eftir a few peeves, aw aye sur, that ah dae. Jinty ey prefers a chippy. Ah keep tellin hur that she should be mair adventurous. Ye should be mair adventurous, Jinty, ah’d joke tae hur. Aye sur, mair adventurous. But ah like a McNuggets fir a chynge, aw sur, fur a wee chynge. But see this new Eftir Eight McFlurry, ah like that Eftir Eight McFlurry n aw! Jist as a treat oan a Tuesday, but, cause yuv goat tae keep yir money. Funny thing is, ah dinnae really like a Big Mac that much. Ye kin git awfay bagged up eftir a Big Mac.
16
HOTELS AND SAUNAS
BAWBAG: LOAD AY fuckin pish. That wis nivir a hurricane! A total fuckin non-event, that cunt: fuckin well playin at it. Thaire’s a bit ay a mess oan the streets, wi upturned rubbish n that, kicked-ower signs n traffic cones, n one or two broken windaes, but nowt different tae what pished-up cunts dae every fuckin weekend!
Ah’ve droaped oaf a couple ay messages in toon, so ah pop doon tae Liberty Leisure n check oot how The Poof’s business empire’s daein. That Saskia’s still hingin aboot; Polish burd, awfay sexy, eywis wears tight, glittery tops, n a short skirt, like she’s gaun clubbin, but mibbe a bit too fragile n lost-lookin tae be in this game. — Nae Jinty? ah asks her.
— Nup, she nivir came in, Saskia goes, soundin sortay Scottish but wi an East European accent. — Mibbe Bawbag got her!
Ah’m sortay laughin at her patter but this other burd, that Andrea, lookin right at me, says, — Maybe he did.
Ah like Saskia n Jinty’s style, but ah loat ay the lassies here dinnae seem tae be that happy, n ah think ah ken the reason: that wee cunt Kelvin is definitely creepin thum oot. He comes oantae the scene n the laughter stoaps. Ah dinnae like that, yuv goat tae be cheerful at work. Especially if yir work’s fuckin shaggin!
— Business is a bit slow, ay, he says.
— Aye, this Andrea goes, which cracks me up, cause she says it in an English accent and she’s a sortay Chinky burd.
— Git in thaire then, eh goes, noddin tae one ay the rooms, — ah’ve goat a length fir ye.
The cunt looks at me wi a big grin. Ah feel like punchin the skinny wee cunt’s muppet heid in. Even though that Andrea is a bit ay a cow, ye kin tell the lassie’s really scared as she heads oaf, followed by that sleaze bucket. Ah dinnae like aw that shite. Suggest a ride tae a burd, aye, but
commandin
a lassie tae ride when she cannae refuse, well, that’s no fuckin right. As they vanish, Saskia shoots me this fearful look, like she wants me tae dae something. What can ah dae? It’s fuck all tae dae wi me, ah jist came doon tae help oot The Poof, n it’s his fuckin brother-in-law. Ah says tae her on the quiet, — Let ays ken if Jinty shows up.
— But you can call here.
— Ah dinnae want tae talk tae laughin boy, ay, n ah nods through tae where Kelvin’s probably heapin the misery on Andrea. Ah keep ma voice doon, cause the lassies seem tae hate Kelvin, but in this kind ay set-up thaire’s eywis a grass.
She looks at me for a second, n scribbles doon her digits oan a slip ay paper.
Ah gits back in the motor, no feelin sae happy. Ah punches in Saskia’s number and texts her:
Any news about Jinty, give me a wee shout. Terry X
Aye, thaire’s some no bad rides thaire n The Poof says fill yir fuckin boots, it’s oan the house. But fuck that; even if it’s oan a free pass, ye want tae be wi a burd
Ah like Gorgie, but.
Ah like the McDonald’s. Aye sur. The Chicken McNuggets ur the bit ah like best, sur, aye they ur. Ah like the wey whin ye bite intae thum thir aw chewy, n no that greasy wey like a Kentucky Fried Chicken kin sometimes be. Ah like a Kentucky Fried Chicken whin ah’m in the mood but, usually eftir a few peeves, aw aye sur, that ah dae. Jinty ey prefers a chippy. Ah keep tellin hur that she should be mair adventurous. Ye should be mair adventurous, Jinty, ah’d joke tae hur. Aye sur, mair adventurous. But ah like a McNuggets fir a chynge, aw sur, fur a wee chynge. But see this new Eftir Eight McFlurry, ah like that Eftir Eight McFlurry n aw! Jist as a treat oan a Tuesday, but, cause yuv goat tae keep yir money. Funny thing is, ah dinnae really like a Big Mac that much. Ye kin git awfay bagged up eftir a Big Mac.
16
HOTELS AND SAUNAS
BAWBAG: LOAD AY fuckin pish. That wis nivir a hurricane! A total fuckin non-event, that cunt: fuckin well playin at it. Thaire’s a bit ay a mess oan the streets, wi upturned rubbish n that, kicked-ower signs n traffic cones, n one or two broken windaes, but nowt different tae what pished-up cunts dae every fuckin weekend!
Ah’ve droaped oaf a couple ay messages in toon, so ah pop doon tae Liberty Leisure n check oot how The Poof’s business empire’s daein. That Saskia’s still hingin aboot; Polish burd, awfay sexy, eywis wears tight, glittery tops, n a short skirt, like she’s gaun clubbin, but mibbe a bit too fragile n lost-lookin tae be in this game. — Nae Jinty? ah asks her.
— Nup, she nivir came in, Saskia goes, soundin sortay Scottish but wi an East European accent. — Mibbe Bawbag got her!
Ah’m sortay laughin at her patter but this other burd, that Andrea, lookin right at me, says, — Maybe he did.
Ah like Saskia n Jinty’s style, but ah loat ay the lassies here dinnae seem tae be that happy, n ah think ah ken the reason: that wee cunt Kelvin is definitely creepin thum oot. He comes oantae the scene n the laughter stoaps. Ah dinnae like that, yuv goat tae be cheerful at work. Especially if yir work’s fuckin shaggin!
— Business is a bit slow, ay, he says.
— Aye, this Andrea goes, which cracks me up, cause she says it in an English accent and she’s a sortay Chinky burd.
— Git in thaire then, eh goes, noddin tae one ay the rooms, — ah’ve goat a length fir ye.
The cunt looks at me wi a big grin. Ah feel like punchin the skinny wee cunt’s muppet heid in. Even though that Andrea is a bit ay a cow, ye kin tell the lassie’s really scared as she heads oaf, followed by that sleaze bucket. Ah dinnae like aw that shite. Suggest a ride tae a burd, aye, but
commandin
a lassie tae ride when she cannae refuse, well, that’s no fuckin right. As they vanish, Saskia shoots me this fearful look, like she wants me tae dae something. What can ah dae? It’s fuck all tae dae wi me, ah jist came doon tae help oot The Poof, n it’s his fuckin brother-in-law. Ah says tae her on the quiet, — Let ays ken if Jinty shows up.
— But you can call here.
— Ah dinnae want tae talk tae laughin boy, ay, n ah nods through tae where Kelvin’s probably heapin the misery on Andrea. Ah keep ma voice doon, cause the lassies seem tae hate Kelvin, but in this kind ay set-up thaire’s eywis a grass.
She looks at me for a second, n scribbles doon her digits oan a slip ay paper.
Ah gits back in the motor, no feelin sae happy. Ah punches in Saskia’s number and texts her:
Any news about Jinty, give me a wee shout. Terry X
Aye, thaire’s some no bad rides thaire n The Poof says fill yir fuckin boots, it’s oan the house. But fuck that; even if it’s oan a free pass, ye want tae be wi a burd
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