mind giving us a few moments together and as they left with Andy following he closed the door leaving the five of us together for the first time in a long time.
Kate said how sad she was for me and Mum that this terrible thing was happening while we were still only young, I took hold of Kate and Helen’s hands and asked them in turn to take hold of Jim and Alex’s hands and as we linked up in a circle I asked them in a crackling whisper please to be still while I said a few words to them.
I looked at Kate, Alex and Jim through a veil of tears and told them that yes it was very sad that me and Mum would not grow old together as we had hoped we might but that we were happy to have made the most of the time we had spent together and in watching them grow over the past few years into kind, caring adults with strong loving hearts and that they would now have to hold firm together so that Mum could use their love as a solid foundation to build her future life after I had gone.
With this Helen let go of Jim’s hand and put her arms about my neck and held her forehead to mine and the tears flowed freely all around, then each of the three took my right hand in turn and gave it a strong squeeze.
Following a flurry of tissues, dabbed eyes and blown noses we made ourselves presentable for visitors again but with the evening coming on all those people that were not staying over at the house needed to start getting away back home ready for work the next day and so there was a veritable procession of small groups of people trying but generally failing to say their goodbyes without making them sound permanent, it was a sad and sometimes difficult end to the day.
People drifted away until there was just Helen and me left, she reached out and again put her arms around my neck with her head on my chest, we held onto each other for the longest time and then with a final kiss she gently patted me on the chest and left.
Now that I was on my own a melancholy came over me but just as I felt it was about to overwhelm me there was a ping! from the direction of the over bed table, I pulled it towards me and saw that there was a text message notification, I opened it and saw that it was from my niece saying that she was thinking of me, then ping! again, it was a text from Helen and then ping! ping! ping! texts started arriving in quick succession letting me know that some people had safe journeys home and others sending their love and as quick as it had come the melancholy was lifted by the outpouring of love in these messages.
Knowing that there would be no atropine patches again tonight I set the chair with pillows in place on the bed and after the nurse had been I settled down with a much happier frame of mind.
Monday 5 th December 2005
I was awake early today and still sat in the chair from the night before, the curtains were closed and in the half light my mind replayed the events of the weekend and the roller coaster of emotion that had enveloped me, it came to me in this moment that whatever uplift I had felt from the visits it did nothing to lessen the awfulness of my predicament, Christmas was now only three weeks away and I had already used up one of the weeks of life that had been on offer to me since the diagnosis, I could almost physically feel my life draining away.
The ‘early’ nurse did not find me very communicative and I was still sat in the chair when Helen and Kate arrived, I just couldn’t be bothered about washing and shaving, but they knew that I was due to have the MIR scan late morning so after some gentle persuading by Helen I disconnected myself from my attachments and headed for the shower and Kate went of to get herself a cup of coffee.
By the time she returned I had just about managed to resemble someone prepared for the day ahead, Kate said that Mum had told her about my ice swallowing which she thought was very clever of me and could I show
Kate said how sad she was for me and Mum that this terrible thing was happening while we were still only young, I took hold of Kate and Helen’s hands and asked them in turn to take hold of Jim and Alex’s hands and as we linked up in a circle I asked them in a crackling whisper please to be still while I said a few words to them.
I looked at Kate, Alex and Jim through a veil of tears and told them that yes it was very sad that me and Mum would not grow old together as we had hoped we might but that we were happy to have made the most of the time we had spent together and in watching them grow over the past few years into kind, caring adults with strong loving hearts and that they would now have to hold firm together so that Mum could use their love as a solid foundation to build her future life after I had gone.
With this Helen let go of Jim’s hand and put her arms about my neck and held her forehead to mine and the tears flowed freely all around, then each of the three took my right hand in turn and gave it a strong squeeze.
Following a flurry of tissues, dabbed eyes and blown noses we made ourselves presentable for visitors again but with the evening coming on all those people that were not staying over at the house needed to start getting away back home ready for work the next day and so there was a veritable procession of small groups of people trying but generally failing to say their goodbyes without making them sound permanent, it was a sad and sometimes difficult end to the day.
People drifted away until there was just Helen and me left, she reached out and again put her arms around my neck with her head on my chest, we held onto each other for the longest time and then with a final kiss she gently patted me on the chest and left.
Now that I was on my own a melancholy came over me but just as I felt it was about to overwhelm me there was a ping! from the direction of the over bed table, I pulled it towards me and saw that there was a text message notification, I opened it and saw that it was from my niece saying that she was thinking of me, then ping! again, it was a text from Helen and then ping! ping! ping! texts started arriving in quick succession letting me know that some people had safe journeys home and others sending their love and as quick as it had come the melancholy was lifted by the outpouring of love in these messages.
Knowing that there would be no atropine patches again tonight I set the chair with pillows in place on the bed and after the nurse had been I settled down with a much happier frame of mind.
Monday 5 th December 2005
I was awake early today and still sat in the chair from the night before, the curtains were closed and in the half light my mind replayed the events of the weekend and the roller coaster of emotion that had enveloped me, it came to me in this moment that whatever uplift I had felt from the visits it did nothing to lessen the awfulness of my predicament, Christmas was now only three weeks away and I had already used up one of the weeks of life that had been on offer to me since the diagnosis, I could almost physically feel my life draining away.
The ‘early’ nurse did not find me very communicative and I was still sat in the chair when Helen and Kate arrived, I just couldn’t be bothered about washing and shaving, but they knew that I was due to have the MIR scan late morning so after some gentle persuading by Helen I disconnected myself from my attachments and headed for the shower and Kate went of to get herself a cup of coffee.
By the time she returned I had just about managed to resemble someone prepared for the day ahead, Kate said that Mum had told her about my ice swallowing which she thought was very clever of me and could I show
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