feeling like I'm worthless to the man I love.”
“You know that wasn’t me that day, Hope.”
I finally turned my head, looking directly into eyes. “I don’t know what’s you anymore, Jamie. I don’t even know what’s me. All I know is that we used to be this couple that would be there for each other. I was there for you with your cancer. You were there for me with my dad’s death. Why couldn’t we be there for each other during the worst time in our lives? You had to run off into the arms of someone else and I had to run away.”
He looked down at the ground. “I don’t know, Hope. Maybe it’s because with all of those other times, one of us was a little stronger and able to help the other through it.” He paused briefly, then looked back up at me with tear-filled eyes. “With this, I just can’t be strong. Believe me, I tried and I want to be strong more than anything. But there are days that I think about him and just feel like I want to die. I just miss him so much, Hope.” His voice cracked with emotion and I could feel my heart breaking in half. “I’m not going to justify the cheating because there’s no excuse for that. I guess I did it so I could feel lower than I already do. I really don’t know. But I swear to you, Hope, it’s done.”
I sighed and stared out onto the pond. “So, what? Are you here to ask me for forgiveness?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t expect you to forgive me that easily. But I do hope that, one day, you will be able to. I’m heading to San Diego tomorrow for a few months. They need someone to help out with a case that’s going to court next month. So if you want to go back home, I won’t be there.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not my home anymore.”
He looked at me sadly. “Hope, that is still your home.”
“Is it? Because all it feels like is a bad memory.”
He stared at me intently. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything that I wanted to say to him was coming to the surface. “You want me to forgive you for something that you intentionally did to me, but you aren't willing to forgive me for something that I had no control over.” His eyes widened and he gazed at me as if he were at a loss for words. “I can forgive you, Jamie, because I love you. I never stopped loving you. And, as weird as this may sound, I wish that this affair was the only problem in our marriage.”
“Hope, I'm sorry. I swear to God that’s over.”
I shook my head and smiled in frustration. “You just don't get it, do you? For the past eight months, I've been walking around on eggshells, not wanting to upset you and placing all the blame on myself. I can't keep doing that. It was an accident, a very tragic accident that shouldn't have happened. And believe me, Jamie, if I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat.”
He looked away. “I know, Hope.”
“I go through that day over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. I keep seeing his face, how his beautiful blue eyes looked for the very last time. It will haunt me for the rest of my life and I have to live with that. But I will no longer live with thinking that I caused this to happen to my beautiful little boy.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. They streamed down my face.
He sighed and nodded. “You're right. It wasn't your fault.” He looked at me sadly, and wiped away my tears.
“Do you really feel that way, Jamie, or are you just saying that to make me feel better about myself?”
“I don't know what I feel anymore because, the truth is, most days I feel nothing. But I do know that I miss you. I miss the way things used to be between us. Before -.” He bit his lip and stopped himself.
“Well, it will never be that way again. No matter how hard we try, something will always be missing. I told you before that I am willing to try. I still love you more than anything and I will do whatever we need to do to make this
“You know that wasn’t me that day, Hope.”
I finally turned my head, looking directly into eyes. “I don’t know what’s you anymore, Jamie. I don’t even know what’s me. All I know is that we used to be this couple that would be there for each other. I was there for you with your cancer. You were there for me with my dad’s death. Why couldn’t we be there for each other during the worst time in our lives? You had to run off into the arms of someone else and I had to run away.”
He looked down at the ground. “I don’t know, Hope. Maybe it’s because with all of those other times, one of us was a little stronger and able to help the other through it.” He paused briefly, then looked back up at me with tear-filled eyes. “With this, I just can’t be strong. Believe me, I tried and I want to be strong more than anything. But there are days that I think about him and just feel like I want to die. I just miss him so much, Hope.” His voice cracked with emotion and I could feel my heart breaking in half. “I’m not going to justify the cheating because there’s no excuse for that. I guess I did it so I could feel lower than I already do. I really don’t know. But I swear to you, Hope, it’s done.”
I sighed and stared out onto the pond. “So, what? Are you here to ask me for forgiveness?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t expect you to forgive me that easily. But I do hope that, one day, you will be able to. I’m heading to San Diego tomorrow for a few months. They need someone to help out with a case that’s going to court next month. So if you want to go back home, I won’t be there.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not my home anymore.”
He looked at me sadly. “Hope, that is still your home.”
“Is it? Because all it feels like is a bad memory.”
He stared at me intently. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything that I wanted to say to him was coming to the surface. “You want me to forgive you for something that you intentionally did to me, but you aren't willing to forgive me for something that I had no control over.” His eyes widened and he gazed at me as if he were at a loss for words. “I can forgive you, Jamie, because I love you. I never stopped loving you. And, as weird as this may sound, I wish that this affair was the only problem in our marriage.”
“Hope, I'm sorry. I swear to God that’s over.”
I shook my head and smiled in frustration. “You just don't get it, do you? For the past eight months, I've been walking around on eggshells, not wanting to upset you and placing all the blame on myself. I can't keep doing that. It was an accident, a very tragic accident that shouldn't have happened. And believe me, Jamie, if I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat.”
He looked away. “I know, Hope.”
“I go through that day over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. I keep seeing his face, how his beautiful blue eyes looked for the very last time. It will haunt me for the rest of my life and I have to live with that. But I will no longer live with thinking that I caused this to happen to my beautiful little boy.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. They streamed down my face.
He sighed and nodded. “You're right. It wasn't your fault.” He looked at me sadly, and wiped away my tears.
“Do you really feel that way, Jamie, or are you just saying that to make me feel better about myself?”
“I don't know what I feel anymore because, the truth is, most days I feel nothing. But I do know that I miss you. I miss the way things used to be between us. Before -.” He bit his lip and stopped himself.
“Well, it will never be that way again. No matter how hard we try, something will always be missing. I told you before that I am willing to try. I still love you more than anything and I will do whatever we need to do to make this
Similar Books
