A Bit of a Do by David Nobbs Page A

suggesting that she could have had quite a career in street theatre, if fate had willed her life otherwise; and at last the penny dropped, and Ted bought a round of drinks.
    At first nobody danced, and it looked as if the event would be a monumental flop. People began to stretch their legs and wander about. Simon Rodenhurst moved off to join some of the younger people, and the immaculate Neville Badger went on a slow thoughrestless wander.
    The conversation turned inexorably to Peru.
    ‘It’s a fascinating country,’ said Laurence, after giving a not notably brief resumé of their holiday, ‘but it is very poor. It makes one ashamed of one’s greed and over-consumption.’
    ‘Absolutely,’ said Ted.
    ‘Same again?’ said Laurence.
    ‘Why not?’ said Ted.
    Laurence moved off, and Ted got a look from Rita.
    ‘Well, if I don’t have another whisky, it’ll not get transported to the shanty towns of Lima,’ he said. ‘I mean … it won’t. It’ll just help put some poor sod in Western Scotland out of work.’
    Rita sighed. ‘I do hope they’re all right,’ she said fervently.
    ‘Well, a lot of distilleries have closed,’ said Ted, ‘but …’
    ‘I think Rita meant Paul and Jenny,’ said Liz.
    ‘Oh, don’t worry about them,’ said Ted. ‘It’s just a tiff.’
    ‘They have such high expectations from marriage,’ said Liz.
    ‘They’ll learn,’ said Rita.
    There was a pregnant pause.
    ‘Do you think that was what novelists mean by a pregnant pause?’ said Liz.
    ‘Liz!!’ said Ted, and immediately realized that he’d sounded much too horrified, since nobody else knew that Liz was pregnant. ‘I mean it’s not exactly tactful, is it?’ he went on, struggling to justify his interjection. ‘I mean … mentioning pregnancy in public. When our son got your daughter pregnant before they were married. I mean … is it?’
    Neville Badger returned from his wanderings, and asked Liz to dance.
    ‘Come on, Ted,’ said Rita.
    ‘Rita! The floor’s not crowded enough for me yet.’
    ‘I find talking a strain. I hardly drink. The food’s never any good. The only thing I enjoy’s the dancing. So come on.’ And she yanked Ted to his feet. Her new-found ruthlessness and strength astounded and worried him. How much did she know?
    As they made their way between the tables to the dance floor, Ted felt very conspicuous in his evening dress.
    Elvis, conspicuous in his evening dress, was passing by with a tray of empties.
    ‘Elvis!’ said Ted. ‘I mean …’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Working here!’
    ‘It’s a job. You were scornful enough when I was on the dole.’
    ‘You might have told us,’ said Rita.
    ‘You’d have tried to stop me working tonight,’ said Elvis, who never told them anything now that he was sharing a flat with friends.
    ‘I would,’ said Ted. ‘You’ve embarrassed your mother.’
    ‘But not you?’
    ‘Well … I can’t say it exactly thrills me. I mean … it’s not exactly conducive, is it?’
    ‘You should have given me a job in the foundry.’
    Elvis moved on, and Simon Rodenhurst called, ‘Waiter!’ Elvis turned, and found himself facing a table of rather drunk young men who looked slightly too anaemic to be described as ‘young bloods’.
    ‘Elvis!’ said Simon with mock surprise. ‘Good Lord!’ To his friends he explained, ‘This is my sister’s husband’s brother.’ To Elvis he said, ‘I hope this isn’t embarrassing you.’
    ‘Not at all,’ said the cynical Elvis Simcock. ‘Though you might try something a little politer than yelling “Waiter!”’
    Simon’s companions raised their eyebrows.
    ‘What’s rude about that?’ asked Simon, and the eyebrows were raised even higher when Elvis replied, ‘Well, how would you like it if I popped into your office and yelled “Estate agent!”?’
    ‘That’s rather different,’ said Simon.
    ‘Yes,’ said Elvis. ‘You’re a member of a profession, and I’m “only a waiter”.’
    Simon’s